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Van Gundy leaves NBA for Milan modeling gig
By: A. Grady
Jeff Van Gundy on the catwalk.
After years of courting, the fashion giants of Milan finally got their man, luring ex-NBA coach and full-time boob juggler Jeff "All Man" Van Gundy over the pond. Working from Milan, the fashionistas threw a boatload of cash, scores of women, custom-made Honda Civics, promises of world domination and crisp chest passes at the former NBA coach. But Donatella Versace and Georgio Armani, who spearheaded the recruiting effort, were only able to nab Van Gundy after relenting to his demands that the majority of his outfits come in his trademark "Diet Coke Silver."
Van Gundy, who has been dogged by rumors of his imminent departure to the modeling world since his clothes were torn clean off his body during a famous fight with Alonzo Mourning's leg, finally made it official Monday.
Classifieds: Ed Hochuli
Ed Hochuli
I am: Part centaur
Seeking: A full-blown centaur
Interested in: Weights, bodybuilding, female bodybuilders, sex with weights
Location: GNC stock room
Occupation: House thrower, part-time ref, full-time hard-ass
Ethnicity: Immortal
Cardinals add Timm Rosenbach to Ring of Embarrassment
By: T. Ryan
The Arizona Cardinals final home game of the season will most likely be lacking enthusiasm but won't be short on spine tingling chills. Old friend Timm Rosenbach will be making a special appearance at halftime when Arizona brass add the horrible ex-QB to their storied Ring of Embarrassment that encompasses the facade of the upper tier, similar to the Ring of Heroes that normal football franchises have.
The ceremony will include highlights on the jumbotron of Rosenbach’s most improbable interceptions, jaw-dropping red zone gaffes, laughable fumbles and many of the devastating sacks he suffered during his tenure as a Cardinal.
An NBA F.U.
The NBA season is upon us, and I am geared up. Who is with me? Another season of thrilling basketball, of high scoring 80 point games and news on the winning personalities of NBA players, but first I would like to say, how should I put this, FUCK YOU to the following: Continued...
7-8pm: National Geographic's "Is it Real?" — The MLS
8-9pm: NHL's most exciting 'Interference' calls
9-9:03pm: Ultimate highlight reel of ESPN's Ultimate Highlight Reel
9:03-10pm: Live: Floyd Mayweather Jr. counts his money
10-11pm: Atomic wedgies, locker stuffing and doughnuts: Chuck Lidell, the High School Years
11-12pm: Montage of Bill Walton's feet, 1970-2007