NEW YORK – Jason Giambi is taking his new moustache to a different level. After growing his perfect ‘stache, he immediately assumed the role of State Trooper Giambi, which started as tongue-and-cheek nickname, but has turned into a full-on personality.
State Trooper Giambi is not fucking around.
“I was playing first base and Giambi got a walk, which is always nice to exchange some words with him, but things got weird,” said White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko. “He said ‘Sir, license and registration please.’ I laughed and thought he was joking. Well, as soon as he got me in a choke hold and cuffed me with his batting gloves, I knew this was no joke.”
This bizarre change of personality is making fellow police officer Olden Polynice very jealous. “I was watching that game, and I said, it is about time someone arrested that bastard,” said Polynice, from his barracks in Arkham Asylum.
Fellow teammate and another recent moustachee, Johnny Damon, said he thought Jason looked real cool and mentioned he should be a State Trooper for Halloween. “Well, that was the beginning of the end for us. Since then he has arrested Cano, Carbrera, Posada and Rivera and threatened to deport their asses. He also gave a speeding ticket to the groundskeeper mowing the outfield.”
News is spreading fast across the American League. Players are cleaning up their acts everywhere, especially first basemen.
“The other night skip wanted me to play some first base against the Yankees,” said Red Sox David Ortiz. “ I said no way, I told skip I have not seen my Visa in a couple of months, and there is no way State Trooper Giambi is going to bust me.”
Bud Selig is giddy as hell and asked if State Troopers had the authority to bust steroid dealers, much to his dismay they can only bust them if they are transporting the drugs. However, several other commissioners have expressed interest in Giambi. David Stern wants to make him a referee.
“I spoke with Mr. Stern the other day, but contractually it is not possible,” said Yankees GM Brian Cashman. “Jason is a little different and he gets some slack around here, but we had to put our foot down last week when he showed up to the ball park and his Mercedes has police lights, a siren and shotgun in the front seat. We told him to lose the shotgun.”
Giambi could not be reached for comment because he was setting up a speed trap on the Taconic State Parkway.