DETROIT, MI – NBA announcer and ultimate hairdo visionary Hubie Brown delved into excruciating detail Sunday during a reply in the second quarter of ABC’s broadcast of the Chicago Bulls-Detroit Pistons matchup.
It was a familiar scenario for many NBA viewers: In discussing a play that viewers had just seen mere seconds ago, Brown discussed every detail of that same play, as if he were describing the scene to a bunch of blind, retarded head trauma victims in a loony bin.
The play in question involved a pretty routine drive to the lane by Pistons guard Chauncey Billups, who then passed it to Tayshaun Prince for a three pointer.
“You see what he does right here, is he goes by his guy and drives to the paint, which he can do. He’s very underrated as a player,” Brown said of Billups, a former NBA Finals MVP. “And then what he does, just watch right here, he passes the basketball out to his teammate, Tayshaun Prince, who you know can hit that three point shot.”
Brown could have easily cut his losses there and stopped talking, but something underneath his albino rat’s nest hair made him believe that he had to “educate” the dumb viewer on other matters. (truncated version)
“Now what’s going to happen that the camera doesn’t show is that Prince hits the three. But if you watch Billups here, he is able to tell that Prince is his teammate because Prince is wearing the same color jersey as him. The rods and cones in Chauncey’s eyeballs are working properly, enabling him to distinguish between different colors. Of course, it also doesn’t hurt that the two have been teammates for many years and Billups’ brain is able to retain the image of Prince, recognizing him as someone he knows and trusts. You can’t leave Prince alone. He is one of the premier three point shooters and lizards in the league. Now what Billups does after the pass is nice. He continues to breathe, he inhales air, most of which is composed of nitrogen but what his lungs do is take in the oxygen part. The oxygen is what they want. He exhales what his body doesn’t need – the nitrogen and the carbon dioxide. There is oxygen released as well — many people don’t know this but the NBA player can only take in so much oxygen. But the stuff he does take in then goes into his bloodstream and the blood takes it to Billups cells, Chauncey has very tough, underrated cells. These cells receive the oxygen and the mitochondria within the cells – the true workhorses of the league – just go to work, enabling Billups to get back on defense and cover Duhon. Now the thing about Chris Duhon…”