The Sports Hernia

43-year-old man in front row killed instantly by ‘shirt-rocket’ blast

By: A. Grady & M. Noonan

Kings mascot Slamson heroically brings unidentified child to safety

SACRAMENTO, CA – Six more people are dead and 46 fans were critically injured as pandemonium broke out during a 3rd quarter timeout T-shirt giveaway at a Sacramento Kings-Memphis Grizzlies game. The tally for T-shirt-giveaway-related deaths has now reached 100, and this latest horror show has some NBA officials questioning the safety of such promotions.

Video of the 3rd quarter timeout shows a sedated crowd, mildly enjoying a rather pedestrian game before suddenly erupting into a wild, manic rage as the Arco Fun Patrol emerged from the tunnel like bats out of hell, flaunting dozens of T-shirts in their hands, some holding the controversial Shirt Rocket 4000, which is the brainchild of overzealous marketing intern, Darrin Sumptor. Sumptor, whose father works for NASA, apparently supped up the Shirt Rocket 4000 using technology stolen from his father’s den and from the family’s Toyota Prius.

His first shirt rocket victim was Phillip Walters, a 43-year-old single man who won tickets to the game at his church auction and brought along his eldest brother’s daughter, Sarah. Videotape shows that it appeared Sumptor was aiming for someone up in the 300-section seats, but an unseen glitch that often occurs when mixing American and Japanese technology caused the Shirt Rocket 4000 to shoot way too low. A size medium Sacramento Kings T-shirt, sponsored by Kmart and rolled up into a solid ball, shot forth from the rocket at an estimated 436 m.p.h. and pummeled Walters in the chest, who was sitting a mere 4 feet away.

Kings fans moments before the terrible scene.

After Walters’ chest cavity exploded, the rest of Arco Arena followed suit. Row 13, Section 124 turned into a pack of rapid dogs on meth as they scrambled for one of the T-shirts thrown into their row by Wendy Dane, leader of the Arco Cheer Machine. Two businessmen sitting in a luxury box were seen with their ties around their heads, eating one another’s arms as they pawed at a T-shirt descending from the rafters via parachute. Just as one T-shirt was about to fall in the arms of 11-year-old Amy Withers, an orangutan from the Sacramento Zoo jumped into the crowd from out of nowhere and snatched the shirt in midair. Five dogs from the Outdoor Games jumped off trampolines and crashed into each other going for a free Koosh ball.

The Kings owners, the Maloofs, seemed to revel in the madness as they sat courtside. The Heckyl and Jeckyl buffoons were seen eating the flesh off a young woman who was smashed to bits after an astray shirt from the Rocket demolished the Jumbotron like "The Natural," creating a giant explosion and landing straight on her head.

The most carnage took place in section 503, where 4 people were found dead, stuffed under their seats and covered in soda syrup, nacho sauce and other assorted food products. Sources say it was the perfect storm as the Jumbotron displayed the section on its giant screen, immediately igniting everyone sitting there into a wild rampage. Seconds later, two shirts were rocketed up to that exact section, causing a Krakatoa-like explosion, a virtual orgy of violence. Several eyewitnesses said they saw limbs being tossed out of the pile like frisbees.

Amazingly, once the Arco Fun Patrol scurried back through the tunnel, the game resumed as if nothing had happened and people watched the conclusion of the game peacefully in their seats, many with massive wounds exposed. It was only until after the game, when maintenance workers discovered the bodies and the Sacramento downtown hospital filled to capacity, that anybody realized just what had happened.