The Sports Hernia

(MOUNT AIRY LODGE, PA) — Former NBA player and full-time ass melter, Kiki Vandeweghe, released his much hyped and highly anticipated musical debut Tuesday, “I Won’t Play Any D Baby”, immediately becoming the highest selling jazz-flute album ever.

The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”. Read more »

After years of courting, the fashion giants of Milan finally got their man, luring ex-NBA coach and full-time boob juggler Jeff “All Man” Van Gundy over the pond. Working from Milan, the fashionistas threw a boatload of cash, scores of women, custom-made Honda Civics, promises of world domination and crisp chest passes at the former NBA coach. But Donatella Versace and Georgio Armani, who spearheaded the recruiting effort, were only able to nab Van Gundy after relenting to his demands that the majority of his outfits come in his trademark “Diet Coke Silver.”

Van Gundy, who has been dogged by rumors of his imminent departure to the modeling world since his clothes were torn clean off his body during a famous fight with Alonzo Mourning’s leg, finally made it official Monday. Read more »

DETROIT, MI – NBA announcer and ultimate hairdo visionary Hubie Brown delved into excruciating detail Sunday during a reply in the second quarter of ABC’s broadcast of the Chicago Bulls-Detroit Pistons matchup.

It was a familiar scenario for many NBA viewers: In discussing a play that viewers had just seen mere seconds ago, Brown discussed every detail of that same play, as if he were describing the scene to a bunch of blind, retarded head trauma victims in a loony bin.

The play in question involved a pretty routine drive to the lane by Pistons guard Chauncey Billups, who then passed it to Tayshaun Prince for a three pointer.

“You see what he does right here, is he goes by his guy and drives to the paint, which he can do. He’s very underrated as a player,” Brown said of Billups, a former NBA Finals MVP. “And then what he does, just watch right here, he passes the basketball out to his teammate, Tayshaun Prince, who you know can hit that three point shot.”

Brown could have easily cut his losses there and stopped talking, but something underneath his albino rat’s nest hair made him believe that he had to “educate” the dumb viewer on other matters. (truncated version) Read more »

Celtics bad luck continues

Telfair seen here just moments before the devastating accident.

CONEY ISLAND, NY – Newly acquired star point guard for the Boston Celtics, Sebastian Telfair, injured himself early Saturday morning while crashing a brand new tricycle into his prized G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier, sending shock-waves throughout the organization. The shaken star described the incident on local radio in horrifying graphic detail.

“I was ridin’ it pretty good and I thought I could hop it, ya know, ‘cause the base ain’t that tall. So I went for it and the next thing I know I have three G.I. Joe figures wedged between my toes, the base is broke, and I’m $50 in the hole at Toys R Us. Can’t catch a break, but it wouldn’t be me to say I won’t try and hop it again.”

Sources say Telfair may have been a bit ambitious by adding nitrous packs to his tricycle, but he strongly denied those claims while defiantly chugging a Minute Maid juice box. League officials refused to comment on the subject, as this is just the latest in a string of off the court related issues. Most recently, Telfair was removed from his team charter for carrying a loaded Super-Soaker, grenade water balloons, and an undisclosed amount of Fun Dip in his duffle bag.

Telfair now joins an elite group that includes Jay Williams, Kellen Winslow Jr., and Ben Roethlisberger; however, he is the first to have worn a Nerf helmet at the time of impact. He is expected to miss 20 minutes of his favorite cartoon, Tom & Jerry.

NBA journeyman Zendon Hamilton

ORLANDO, FL – Just minutes after signing his second 10-day contract with the Orlando Magic, NBA journeyman Zendon Hamilton inked longtime NBA groupie and skank Mandy Wright to a 10-day contract on Tuesday. It’s deal that has raised eyebrows around the basketball world, especially amongst crappy NBA fringe players.

“This just makes things a lot easier” explained a visibly relieved Hamilton, “Instead of me putzing around the Ramada for the next week, trying to find some decent poon-tang, I get Mandy locked up for the next 10 days and have that peace of mind, knowing when I get back after practice or a game, she’ll be waiting, ready for a good old-fashioned freakfest.”

Despite having a deal with the voluptuous Wright in place, Hamilton’s remains cautiously optimistic. "The papers are signed, but realistically anything can happen in 10 days, man," said Hamilton, deep in thought. "I mean, if Dwight Howard gives her that ‘it’s go time’ look, that contract is out the window bro. She’ll be straddling that boy like he’s Smartie Jones or some shit."

Nevertheless, other players are impressed. “No shit?” said Anthony Goldwire (currently playing for the South Dakota Screaming Horsebreath of the NBDL). “That dude might be on to something. The Blazers just contacted my agent, I should give that squeezer Lonni a call.”

Wright, for her part, was skeptical about the deal at first, saying that only being with one player for 10 straight days sounded clingy and downright insane. However, after some thought the prominent Floridian skank warmed up to the idea since the time she normally spends trolling hotel bars and clubs could go straight toward siphoning NBA baller cash and cock.

Sixers coach Mo Cheeks beats his team to the punch.

In a brilliant tactical move, Philadelphia 76ers coach Maurice Cheeks threw himself under a bus yesterday before his team ever had the chance to do so themselves.  Sixers players were stunned by the news and were left scrambling to find a suitable scapegoat for their upcoming shitty season.  Some NBA execs have speculated that the move may even force the players to engage in such wild concepts as ‘taking responsibility’, ‘looking at themselves in the mirror’, ‘earning their money’ and the audacious ‘being a man’.

In a related story, the Detroit Pistons players, who threw coach Flip Saunders under a bus last spring, have kicked it up a notch this year.  Hernia sources have found out the current squad have hatched a scheme to throw their beleaguered coach under a speeding 18-wheeler with spiked tires, driven by the Undertaker.  Expect him to be flattened like a pancake no later than Christmas.

In a bold yet unsurprising move, the Portland Trailblazers signed 6-foot 8-inch swingman and Taliban leader, Osama bin Laden. Portland brass was reportedly becoming “downright sick” over the Cincinnati Bengals grabbing all the sports-crime headlines, so they went ahead and pulled the trigger on the world’s most infamous terrorist.

Reeling from the departures of Ruben “Adventures in Babysitting” Patterson and Qyntel Woods, the desperate Blazers called up Chad Ford for assistance. Ford had been traveling across Afghanistan on a camel searching for a 7-foot 9-inch, 12-year-old with a thyroid condition known as Rijabijaianen Bijalonidianajiam (roughly translates to “the Long One”) who, in a lucky coincidence, just so happened to be one of bin Laden’s 436 sons.

“I think we can all agree that this solidifies our organization as the most piece-of-shit franchise in sports history,” President and General Manager Steve Patterson said at a press meeting announcing the signing. “Even though all the tapes we have seen of bin Laden have been choppy and sporadic, two things we are certain of: This towelhead is long and is a tremendous piece of camel dung.”

Team sources said bin Laden’s penchant for firearms and degrading women will help ease his transition into the NBA.

"There is nothing that you can do in your life that will come even remotely close to what Bird did. Even in you live to be 300 years old…"

Hey you reader, listen up. You may be able to read extraordinarily well, you might excel at your job, have a wonderful wife and three gorgeous healthy kids, but hear me now: you’ll never do what Biiiird did…

Now, I know you probably graduated cumma sum laude from some top university, maybe even the likes of the glorious University of Arizona. You may have climbed the corporate ladder and claimed the corner office. Maybe you even drive a Chevy Tahoe, but c’mon, you’ll never do what Bird did. Try throwing a whole city on your surgically repaired back and winning 3 NBA championships, then we’ll talk…

I mean, have you even seen that game against the Atlanta Hawks when Larry was literally hitting shots all over the floor?! The bench of the opposing team was even cheering for him! There is nothing that you can do in life that will come even remotely close to that. Not even if you live to be 300 years old…

Now, I know you go on and on about the greatest moment in your life being "the birth of your children," but pleeease, I’ve HAD kids and it doesn’t even compare to receiving an over-the-back, no-look pass from Larry Legend. Never mind having the Zen-like ability to actually throw one. By my calculations, Bird had roughly 5,345 of these passes, all of which were immeasurably more incredible than the birth of your offspring. So put that in your pipe and choke on it.

Listen, it goes without saying that I am perhaps one of the greatest Grateful Dead fans in all of history. What they did throughout their career, constantly touring and pushing the boundaries of music as we know it is simply unprecedented. The lyrics alone should be etched into a golden journal and placed not only in the Rock-n-Roll Hall of Fame and in the majestic Experience Music Project, created by the visionary architect Frank Gehry, but it should also go alongside the Mona Lisa in the Louvre. But pleeeease, even Jerry would never be able to hold Larry’s jock…

When I came to the Celtics in 1986, both of my feet had essentially been put through a meat grinder and my knees creaked like a 17th century Buccaneer ship. I was contemplating playing the season in a wheelchair before Larry Bird came into the training room one day and saved my career. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting on the table about to get a massage from the great Cheeko Salizar, the Celtics physical trainer and the preeminent deep tissue massage man of the 80s. Bird simply nodded to Cheeko to take a break and proceeded to talk to my joints, my muscles and my bones, threatening them to heal, OR ELSE. Within an hour I was completely healed, feeling a weightless sensation similar to that of descending the incredible Magic Mountain. The man healed my joints with his threats, I won 6th man of the year, and we went on to win the championship, all thanks to Larry’s magic.

Don’t even attempt to top that because you will never, ever, not even in a hundred millennia, do what Biiiiiiiiird did.

As told to M. Noonan and A. Grady

43-year-old man in front row killed instantly by ‘shirt-rocket’ blast

By: A. Grady & M. Noonan

Kings mascot Slamson heroically brings unidentified child to safety

SACRAMENTO, CA – Six more people are dead and 46 fans were critically injured as pandemonium broke out during a 3rd quarter timeout T-shirt giveaway at a Sacramento Kings-Memphis Grizzlies game. The tally for T-shirt-giveaway-related deaths has now reached 100, and this latest horror show has some NBA officials questioning the safety of such promotions.

Video of the 3rd quarter timeout shows a sedated crowd, mildly enjoying a rather pedestrian game before suddenly erupting into a wild, manic rage as the Arco Fun Patrol emerged from the tunnel like bats out of hell, flaunting dozens of T-shirts in their hands, some holding the controversial Shirt Rocket 4000, which is the brainchild of overzealous marketing intern, Darrin Sumptor. Sumptor, whose father works for NASA, apparently supped up the Shirt Rocket 4000 using technology stolen from his father’s den and from the family’s Toyota Prius.

His first shirt rocket victim was Phillip Walters, a 43-year-old single man who won tickets to the game at his church auction and brought along his eldest brother’s daughter, Sarah. Videotape shows that it appeared Sumptor was aiming for someone up in the 300-section seats, but an unseen glitch that often occurs when mixing American and Japanese technology caused the Shirt Rocket 4000 to shoot way too low. A size medium Sacramento Kings T-shirt, sponsored by Kmart and rolled up into a solid ball, shot forth from the rocket at an estimated 436 m.p.h. and pummeled Walters in the chest, who was sitting a mere 4 feet away.

Kings fans moments before the terrible scene.

After Walters’ chest cavity exploded, the rest of Arco Arena followed suit. Row 13, Section 124 turned into a pack of rapid dogs on meth as they scrambled for one of the T-shirts thrown into their row by Wendy Dane, leader of the Arco Cheer Machine. Two businessmen sitting in a luxury box were seen with their ties around their heads, eating one another’s arms as they pawed at a T-shirt descending from the rafters via parachute. Just as one T-shirt was about to fall in the arms of 11-year-old Amy Withers, an orangutan from the Sacramento Zoo jumped into the crowd from out of nowhere and snatched the shirt in midair. Five dogs from the Outdoor Games jumped off trampolines and crashed into each other going for a free Koosh ball.

The Kings owners, the Maloofs, seemed to revel in the madness as they sat courtside. The Heckyl and Jeckyl buffoons were seen eating the flesh off a young woman who was smashed to bits after an astray shirt from the Rocket demolished the Jumbotron like "The Natural," creating a giant explosion and landing straight on her head.

The most carnage took place in section 503, where 4 people were found dead, stuffed under their seats and covered in soda syrup, nacho sauce and other assorted food products. Sources say it was the perfect storm as the Jumbotron displayed the section on its giant screen, immediately igniting everyone sitting there into a wild rampage. Seconds later, two shirts were rocketed up to that exact section, causing a Krakatoa-like explosion, a virtual orgy of violence. Several eyewitnesses said they saw limbs being tossed out of the pile like frisbees.

Amazingly, once the Arco Fun Patrol scurried back through the tunnel, the game resumed as if nothing had happened and people watched the conclusion of the game peacefully in their seats, many with massive wounds exposed. It was only until after the game, when maintenance workers discovered the bodies and the Sacramento downtown hospital filled to capacity, that anybody realized just what had happened.

Mike Breen

The obvious inspiration for all black comedians who do an impression of a white guy, Breen is known for having orgasms every time a player takes a charge or delivers a crisp chest pass. The Knicks’ play-by-play man also enjoys chastising players for doing anything spontaneous and constantly assumes he is the authority on what is or is not a good shot.

Interesting Fact: Was born already wearing button up shirt tucked into a pair of Docker’s.

Signature Call: “Not a good shot by (insert name of any player under 30 here)”

Famous Quote: “I wish more players today wore their shorts like John Stockton”

Ideal Partner: Jesse ‘the Body’ Ventura

Grade: C-

Gus Johnson

Known for having Starbucks cappuccinos IV’d into his body during games, the ultra-frisky Johnson is actually quite enjoyable – when taking massive amounts of barbiturates.

Interesting Fact: Once shattered the eardrums of three producers by screaming into his mic while witnessing an exciting tip-off.

Signature Call: “YYEEAEHHHEEEHHHAAAA!!! OHHH HAAAA HAAAAAA!!!”

Famous Quote: “YEEEES!!! YYEEAEHHHEEEHHHAAAA!!! OHHH HAAAA HAAAAAA!!!”

Ideal Partner: Chewbacca, Brent Musberger

Grade: B+

Doug Collins

The first announcer to go an entire game without taking a breath, Doug distinguishes himself by talking to the audience like they are 3-year-olds who have never seen a basketball game before.

Interesting Fact: Collins thinks he gets paid by the word.

Signature Call: “Now I’ll tell ya, when I coached Michael…”

Famous Quote: “What a great little dunk shot”

Ideal Partner: Jeffrey Jordan, Ace Ventura’s talking ass cheeks

Grade: F

Bill Walton

Known for acid-induced flashbacks that make for brilliant improvisational thoughts/dreams on basketball and life, Walton is also known for being brutally honest. His unfiltered comments create an audio feast for the viewer, as opposed to the rehearsed, cliché garbage we’re so used to hearing.

Signature Call: “Good lord, I… am… high…”

Famous Quotes:

• “If you’ve never been on Magic Mountain at DisneyWorld, stop what you’re doing and leave now. It will improve the quality of your life immeasurably”
• “Look at David Robinson, he’s an Adonis”
• “He’ll never do what Biiiiiird did”
• “Anytime Michael Olowakandi is acquired by a team, disaster is sure to follow”

Ideal Partner: Jerry Garcia/Peter Gammons/Yoda

Grade: A

Hubie Brown

The former Playgirl model-turned-coaching genius-turned- announcer has been dazzling us with his knowledge and hair for years now. Going from the perm, to the Caesar, to the mohawk, to the faux-hawk, back to the Caesar, Hubie has strangely inspired others such as Dick Versace and Mike Fratello to follow his unique hair patterns. The master of speaking in the 5th person, Brown can make a simple pick set by Anthony Mason turn into a work of art.

Interesting Fact: At times longwinded, he once described Bill Cartwright’s sharp elbows for 1 1/2 quarters.

Signature Call: “You cannot leave (insert ANY guard or small forward) alone on the baseline. He is one of the premiere three-point shooters in the game…"

Famous Quote: “Now I want you to look at (PLAYER NAME). (PLAYER NAME) is going to be working the perimeter. If you’re (PLAYER NAME), you have got to…”

Ideal Partner: Barbaro

Grade: B+

Marv Albert

The greatest announcer since Jesse “the Body” Ventura. So good he can almost make Nets games watchable and Continental Airlines Arena not feel like a 20,000 seat morgue. Was disgracefully discarded by Knicks’ franchise owner/destroyer James Dolan for outlandish acts like calling Knicks games with honesty and asking for a raise after 30+ years with the team. Even if he demanded a Knicks City Dancer sit on his face for all home games, he should still, and always be the voice of the Garden.

Interesting Fact: Received no money for promoting hair weaves in his famous “60 Minutes” interview

Signature Call: “PERHAPS!!”

Famous Quote(s): “We are now in… extensive, garbage time”, “…with the FACIAL!!!”

Ideal Partner: Anyone, he’d make a dead guy interesting.

Grade: A+

Dick Stockton

Affectionately known as “Smoke Hair” and “the Crypt Keeper” by adoring fans, Dick’s timeless trademark voice routinely lands him gigs in multiple sports. Not as popular since the HDTV boom, Stockton still provides an inspired effort and well-called games but continues to baffle viewers with his bizarre hair that literally looks like the top of a giant chimney stack.

Interesting Fact: Was a 4-time Thai-boxing champion.

Famous Quote: “Boy, that Cheryl Miller’s got a fat ass, huh?

Ideal partner: Bob Uecker, Paul Bearer, the actual Crypt Keeper

Grade: B

Steve Kerr

Despite his 1989 hairdo, Kerr is a rare breed: a former player-turned-announcer that doesn’t annoy the fuck out of the listener by babbling about his career. But sometimes his self-deprecation goes a bit too far – give yourself some credit, lil’ Stevie.

Interesting Fact: Kerr is a notorious ladies man whose nickname is “The Ass Machine”

Ideal Partner: Stuart Smally

Grade: B+

Tom Tolbert

Who is this guy? Where did this shiny bastard come from? We’ve heard him talk about Arizona before, but he wasn’t on the Suns. Is he some sort of comic book villain? We don’t think so, anyway. Regardless, the highlight of his announcing career came during the one of the NBA Celebrity All-Star games, after Paris Hilton’s pet Chihuahua went missing:

(paraphrasing)

Some Shmuck Announcer: It looks like Paris Hilton’s dog is no longer by her side.

Tolbert: Nicole Richie?

Interesting Fact: Played his last year in the NBA with a mock-turtleneck under his jersey.

Grade: C+

Sideline Reporters:

Craig Sager

The ‘Liberace meets Where’s Waldo’ lovechild has been blinding players and fans for years with his wild outfits, famously peaking during the ‘95 Finals when Nick Anderson blamed Sager’s strobe-light suit for his 4 consecutive missed free-throws.

Low point: Using an actual live fish for a tie.

Grade: B+

Jim Grey

Son of the Muppet, Sam the Eagle, this uncomfortable assbag has been pissing everyone off since he crapped onto the scene in the 90s. While he’s most famous for shitting his pants while interviewing Mike Tyson, Grey finds time to ruin many NBA games with his unbearable spot interviews.

Grade: D