The Sports Hernia

Ginobili moments before testing his Swiffer uniform.

SAN ANTONIO, TX -

The San Antonio Spurs teamed with Procter & Gamble to create a special Swiffer jersey for Manu Ginobili, the Argentine guard with a penchant for being on the floor.

P&G approached Spurs brass with the idea, pitching it as a "lay-up proposal," since Ginobili can be seen sliding on the hardwood 75 percent of games.

"Now that Manu has this special uniform, we can lay off 50 percent of our cleaning crew, positively affecting our bottom line," Spurs President and CEO John Diller said.

Upon hearing the news, Ginobili crumpled up his old jersey, threw out his elbow and banked it into the team’s laundry basket.

You’ve heard it all before, the Ring of Heroes in Green Bay, Monument Park in the Bronx, jerseys hanging high above in the rafters at MSG, the Ring of Embarrassment at wherever the Arizona Cardinals play, and so on. This past Thursday night, however, the Utah Jazz truly broke ground during a surprisingly edgy ceremony that was supposed to be a well-intended send-off to former Jazz legend and all-century stiff, Greg Ostertag.

With the score knotted at 52 going into the half against Houston, the pale crowd was already on their feet when three of Utah’s most awkward interns wheeled out a tree shredder to half-court. The initial reaction was of disappointment after realizing it wasn’t free wife night, but the sheer size of the vehicle overtook their emotions as everyone began to applaud and stamp their feet.

"It’s time to introduce the man of the hour," said team president and known slob, Larry Miller. "Ladies and gentleman, if I can direct your attention to section 243, row Z, behind the large cement pole, it’s double-0, Greeeeg Ooooooostertag."

Normally hard to miss, the unfortunate realities continued for the goofy looking sloth. Along with the cement pole, several obscene Jazz puffy hands obstructed the view, making it nearly impossible to see ‘Tag even for people sitting just rows away.

"Ah, who cares if we can’t see him," screamed a now clearly intoxicated Miller. "Jimmy, fire up that tree shredder!"

And there it was. With the assistance of all three interns, and a helpful count of ’1-2-3′ from the crowd, Ostertag’s astounding ’00′ home jersey was heaped into the shredder, sending a fireworks-like fabric spray into every section on the North side of the arena.

New York, NY (AP) – In a somewhat belated announcement, the NBA has officially made public its deal with Horrible Design Inc. to assume lead role as uniform fashionistas for all 30 teams. Russ Granick and his team of PR cronies headed the cheering parade as they welcomed the creative team from HDI led by consultants Craig Sager, dressed in a paint-ball splatted suit, Stevie Wonder, wearing one of his usual tapestry-with-a-hole-cut-in-it ensembles, and Yahoo Serious, who was naked.

League’s desire to ruin every team’s uniform by 2009 said to be the driving force behind the deal.

 “Who wants that traditional stenciled lettering when you can have a starburst feast?” proclaimed a very weary eyed and fatigued looking Sager. “Who wants traditional tear off warm-ups when you can wear a silk Kimono? Who wants colors that complement each other when you can have ketchup and mustard like Cleveland? It’s not about complementing colors as much as it’s about condiments,” he finished before being cut from the podium and sent back to his hotel.

Fighting off uproarious laughter in the press room, the always suave Granick attempted damage control by abruptly ending the press conference with this gem. “Not many teams can be proud to throw on their jersey anymore and we can thank HDI for catapulting this revolution. Or something like that. Thank you.”

So forget the days of FloJo (Florence Griffith Joyner) designing your favorite team’s uniform and stay tuned for offensively ugly jerseys to find a happy home in all 30 NBA cities. 

Notes: Horrible Design Inc.’s colorful client list includes the ’78 Pirates, the ’79 Padres, the ’93 76ers, American Gladiators, Nickelodeon’s Double Dare, champion wrestler Ric Flair, and several professional indoor sports leagues. HDI also introduced the wildly popular Scratch ‘N Sniff jockstrap to MLB in the early 90’s.

By: T. Ryan (July 2006)

ATLANTA, GA (AP) – Golf? Embarrassing charity events? Poor contributions to a broadcasting panel? Not for former NBA all-star Dominique Wilkins. The Human Highlight Reel has become quite the prankster and taken his retirement days into cyberspace. Hernia sources have obtained a copy of an email he sent to Kelly Tripucka (left) last week, with a picture attached showing ‘Nique skying over his fellow NBA alum (below).

"I logged into my account and figured, here we go, same old thing, twenty-five emails from Ian Eagle, Jeff Ruland, and some bored Notre Dame hoops fans," Tripucka said. "But then I saw ‘Nique’s name and went right to it. I even called my wife over. Turned out the joke was on me. That picture is just awful. I don’t even know where he found it. I hope it’s a fake.

The picture sent by Dominique Wilkins to Kelly Tripucka.

Accompanying the humorous picture was simply this: "Hey Kelly, remember this one? LOL! Talk to you soon, ‘Nique." Now while some may find this to be somewhat odd, it appears to be sparking a new trend. When told of the story, former player Charles Barkley, after he finished laughing, said, "I think it’s great. In fact, I can’t wait to send out a few myself. I hope Sean Bradley has room in his inbox. And someone get me Frederic Weis’ email. I gotta send him that video of Vince teabagging him at the Olympics."

After discovering the joy of prank emails with his retired buddies, "Nique has decided to forego his appearance on the next "Jocks vs. Joes" season and looks like he’s finally found his niche.

Muniz seen here just minutes before nearly being split in half by Ice Cube.

LOS ANGELES (AP) — NBA Entertainment League play ended in tragedy at the Staples Center on Thursday night when TV’s Frankie Muniz ended up in a coma after trying to draw a charge against rapper/actor Ice Cube.

Muniz, the 35-year-old star of "Malcolm in the Middle," stepped into the lane as Cube drove full speed toward the goal. Cube ran through Muniz, sending the frail actor flying backward onto the hardwood and instantly shattering his ribs, said teammate Joel Steinberg, who apparently produces some show on the WB.

"Poor kid," Steinberg said. "We were even considering him for a guest appearance on ‘Veronica Mars.’ And now this."

Steinberg stood in disbelief with two or fewer other players as Muniz was covered with a white sheet and placed in critical condition by Patrick Dempsey of ABC’s "Grey’s Anatomy."

Critics wonder how the 4’11", 97 pound Muniz was ever let onto the court in the first place.

Cube, on his way to fucking around and getting a triple-double, stood on the sidelines in disbelief as well.

"First of all, that ma’fucka was movin,’" Cube said. "I saw him slide his right foot so that shit is a block. Second of all, he shouldn’t even be playing basketball. Period. He like 100 pounds – drippin wet with sand in each pocket."

No word yet on what, if any, impact this will have on future league play. The NBA Entertainment League, in its fifth year, is popular among rappers, R&B musicians, marginal actors and douchebag producers.