Hey Vick, Fuck YOU!!!!!!!
Hi Michael (or Mike, or whatever the fuck you want to be called) welcome back to society. I would like to welcome you back with a big FUCK YOU!
I am: Part centaur
Seeking: A full-blown centaur
Interested in: Weights, bodybuilding, female bodybuilders, sex with weights
Location: GNC stock room
Occupation: House thrower, part-time ref, full-time hard-ass
Religion: Joe Wieder
Star Sign: 100-pound plates
Relationship Status: Single and hungry as hell
Have Children: I gave birth to an Altered Beast once
Want Children: Only as worthy sparring partners
I am: A legend
Interested in: Lover, battleship parter, taking it to the limit
Location: The danger zone
Occupation: Honda civic pace car driver/ NBA Offense Killer
Star Sign: I dont believe in that shit
Relationship Status: Married, but looking – was seeing Matt Bullard
Have Children: Talk to my lawyers
Want Children: Get fucked
Weight: slightly heavier than mist
Hair: not existent, frizzy combover, ring shaped
Eyes: bloodshot , creepy racoon
Cigarettes: Only when I’m logged on or watching the Survivor finale
Booze: Only on Spring Break
Self Love: Playoff pending
Eye color: Mystical
Booze: You know it..
Drugs: If it helps you to keep up with me – knock yourself out
Self love: Don’t even think about it
Last great book I read: Instructions to my new Casio
Most humbling moment: Showers with Mutombo
Favorite on-screen sex scene: Anything with Paul Giamatti
Celebrity I resemble most: Paul Bearer of the WWE but I’ve been told I look like a smaller version of Vince Vaughn
Song or album that puts me in the mood: "Maneater", anything by Gwar
5 items I can’t live without:
-Mascara (eye shadow)
-Mold of Alonzo Mourning’s leg
-Honda Civics (models, actual cars, paintings, sketches, pictures)
-Jock Jams 7
If I could be anywhere right now:
Getting freaky on Ibiza or in the Big Brother household
An exclusive look at what appears to be a seating chart for the NHL’s Hurricanes.
A typical afternoon at the Ticketmaster offices turned strange on Tuesday when customer service rep Shanice Caldwell’s 530th caller of the hour inquired about a possible Columbus Blue Jackets – Carolina Hurricanes ticket purchase.
"I had no idea what that fool was talking about," Caldwell said. "NHL? I ain’t heard of no NHL. I had to get my manager."
Caldwell’s manager, Rick Sprinkwell, thought the ticket request was some sort of grade school prank. "I’m actually really embarrassed about this whole thing," Sprinkwell said. "When Shanice told me the situation, I’m pretty sure I picked up the phone and called the kid ‘a little punk’ and said that he’d have to ‘get up pretty early in the morning to fool The Sprinkler.’ But apparently, there actually are NHL teams in both Columbus and Carolina. I mean Carolina! Get out of here!"
Awkward to say the least, 13-year old caller Jimmy Sands was able to purchase the single ticket forty-five minutes later after Caldwell was able to dig into company archives and locate the Hurricanes seating chart. Further complicating matters, an agreed upon price had to be negotiated between the two since there was no formal pricing for NHL tickets.
"I thought I had him at $10 but he was able to wiggle me down to $8," laughed Caldwell. "Hell, they should be giving those things away for free the way they’re selling."
Not only was little Jimmy Sands able to get the ticket for $8, but he’s going on the Blue Jackets’ special "Sit In the Middle of the Rink for the Entire Game" night, replacing the previously unsuccessful "Season Ticket Giveaway" night.
When contacted about the news, spunky league commissioner Gary Bettman said he was ‘pleased’ with the ‘small spike’ in ticket sales and hopes the news will attract at least ten more new customers.
Notes: A similar problem happened two years ago to another Ticketmaster employee when a man tried to buy a Kansas City Wiz – Dallas Burn ticket for, get this, an organized soccer league known as ‘the MLS’.