The Sports Hernia » Classifieds

Ed Hochuli

T-Bone — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 17:02:44 +0000

I am: Part centaur

Seeking: A full-blown centaur

Interested in: Weights, bodybuilding, female bodybuilders, sex with weights

Location: GNC stock room

Occupation: House thrower, part-time ref, full-time hard-ass

Ethnicity: Immortal

Religion: Joe Wieder

Star Sign: 100-pound plates

Relationship Status: Single and hungry as hell

Have Children: I gave birth to an Altered Beast once

Want Children: Only as worthy sparring partners

My Goods:

Height: 6’2″

Weight: 230

Hair: I dont know

Eyes: Can see through you

My Habits:

Cigarettes: Only after bench-pressing my dates

Booze: Does motor oil count?

Drugs: Just a few horse tranquilizers every night to get some z’s…

Self Love: You bet, I’m a pristine sculpture

Your Goods:

Height: Tall enough to bench

Weight: Short enough to curl

Hair: A mane or head of snakes will do

Eye color: Not necessary

Want Children: You won’t have much of a choice

Drugs: If you take testosterone, double it with estrogen supplement – I am firm on this

Your Habits:

Cigarettes: Never

Booze: You know it..

Drugs: If it helps you to keep up with me – knock yourself out

Self love: Don’t even think about it

Other:

Last great book I read: NFL Rule Book and Bowflex instructions

Most humbling moment: Not being able to bench press Giants Stadium

Favorite on-screen sex scene: Anything from “Stone Cold” with Brian Bozworth

Celebrity I resemble most: Zeus (not the wrestler, the actual god)

Song or album that puts me in the mood: Anything by Lita Ford or Joan Jett

5 items I can’t live without:
-My stadium ref microphone for my house
-MayoPlex Big Gulps
-bark
-whistle
-handcuffs

If I could be anywhere right now: Fraggle Rock

JVGthonglvr64

Hernia Staff — Sun, 19 Feb 2006 16:51:36 +0000

I am: A legend

Seeking: Anything

Interested in: Lover, battleship parter, taking it to the limit

Location: The danger zone

Occupation: Honda civic pace car driver/ NBA Offense Killer

Ethnicity: Pale

Religion: Slowness

Star Sign: I dont believe in that shit

Relationship Status: Married, but looking – was seeing Matt Bullard

Have Children: Talk to my lawyers

Want Children: Get fucked

My Goods:

Height: 48"

Weight: slightly heavier than mist

Hair: not existent, frizzy combover, ring shaped

Eyes: bloodshot , creepy racoon

My Habits:

Cigarettes: Only when I’m logged on or watching the Survivor finale

Booze: Only on Spring Break

Drugs: Religiously

Self Love: Playoff pending

Your Goods:

Height: 6’2

Weight: Thick

Hair: Extended

Eye color: Mystical

Your Habits:

Cigarettes: Never

Booze: You know it..

Drugs: If it helps you to keep up with me – knock yourself out

Self love: Don’t even think about it

Other:

Last great book I read: Instructions to my new Casio

Most humbling moment: Showers with Mutombo

Favorite on-screen sex scene: Anything with Paul Giamatti

Celebrity I resemble most: Paul Bearer of the WWE but I’ve been told I look like a smaller version of Vince Vaughn

Song or album that puts me in the mood: "Maneater", anything by Gwar

5 items I can’t live without:

-Diet Coke
-Mascara (eye shadow)
-Mold of Alonzo Mourning’s leg
-Honda Civics (models, actual cars, paintings, sketches, pictures)

-Jock Jams 7

If I could be anywhere right now:
Getting freaky on Ibiza or in the Big Brother household

Ticketmaster Operator Baffled by “NHL Ticket Request”

Hernia Staff — Sat, 18 Feb 2006 21:31:49 +0000

An exclusive look at what appears to be a seating chart for the NHL’s Hurricanes.

A typical afternoon at the Ticketmaster offices turned strange on Tuesday when customer service rep Shanice Caldwell’s 530th caller of the hour inquired about a possible Columbus Blue Jackets – Carolina Hurricanes ticket purchase.

"I had no idea what that fool was talking about," Caldwell said. "NHL? I ain’t heard of no NHL. I had to get my manager."

Caldwell’s manager, Rick Sprinkwell, thought the ticket request was some sort of grade school prank. "I’m actually really embarrassed about this whole thing," Sprinkwell said. "When Shanice told me the situation, I’m pretty sure I picked up the phone and called the kid ‘a little punk’ and said that he’d have to ‘get up pretty early in the morning to fool The Sprinkler.’ But apparently, there actually are NHL teams in both Columbus and Carolina. I mean Carolina! Get out of here!"

Awkward to say the least, 13-year old caller Jimmy Sands was able to purchase the single ticket forty-five minutes later after Caldwell was able to dig into company archives and locate the Hurricanes seating chart. Further complicating matters, an agreed upon price had to be negotiated between the two since there was no formal pricing for NHL tickets.

"I thought I had him at $10 but he was able to wiggle me down to $8," laughed Caldwell. "Hell, they should be giving those things away for free the way they’re selling."

Not only was little Jimmy Sands able to get the ticket for $8, but he’s going on the Blue Jackets’ special "Sit In the Middle of the Rink for the Entire Game" night, replacing the previously unsuccessful "Season Ticket Giveaway" night.

When contacted about the news, spunky league commissioner Gary Bettman said he was ‘pleased’ with the ‘small spike’ in ticket sales and hopes the news will attract at least ten more new customers.

Notes: A similar problem happened two years ago to another Ticketmaster employee when a man tried to buy a Kansas City Wiz – Dallas Burn ticket for, get this, an organized soccer league known as ‘the MLS’.