Archive for the 'Football' Category

Hey Vick, FU

Michael-Vick-R.articleHey Vick, Fuck YOU!!!!!!!

Hi Michael (or Mike, or whatever the fuck you want to be called) welcome back to society. I would like to welcome you back with a big FUCK YOU!

You are a fucking scumbag, we all know this. And I really don’t give two shits about the actual crime, I am not some PETA whack job on a crusade to save dogs, turtles, insects or insects stuck to shit, I just simply think you are a piece of dung, and the fact that you got your old job back pisses me off.

Why did you get your old job back? Oh right, because you are famous and have an extraordinary skill set that is suited for the NFL. During your bogus 60 Minutes interview the other night, I was just hoping Mr. Brown would have asked you one very simple question, actually two questions.

1. Are you remorseful that you were killing dogs, or that you got caught?

2. If you were never caught, would you still be dog fighting today?

That is all. I would venture to guess that you are pissed you got caught, which is why you lied about it when the charges were brought against you and I would bet the Bad Newz Kennels would still around today if you hadn’t been caught — so fuck you, you piece of dog shit, pun intended.

BBW-FUAnd you know what, NFL? Fuck you too. You are just as guilty as Vick in this situation. This is just another example of you spineless bastards letting criminals back into your league for ratings. This has been going on for years, but you continue to have a selective memory for players that have rap sheets as long as the Dead Sea scrolls. I would bet a million dollars if I were thrown in the clink for two years my employers would not hire me back once I got out. Those are just facts.

So, thank you NFL for teaching us this valuable lesson: You can break any law you want, just as long as you say “sorry, my bad” and find the lord while you are all clinked up. Come on back and play football for millions of dollars. It’s all good. They clearly have no standards, so fuck you, NFL, and fuck you, Vick. You two deserve each other. My vomit has more class and standards than you two combined, so get Sunday-fucked from now ’til February.

* Actually, under the same circumstances, The Sports Hernia would hire BBW back.

Tim Tebow: Part Jedi, Part Monk, ALL IDIOT

super-tebow-timAll-American University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow admitted yesterday that he is in fact a virgin, rendering the normally chatty batch of reporters on hand utterly fucking speechless.

After regaining consciousness, one particularly flummoxed reporter complained, “I mean, this guy should be dripping with vag.  I don’t care if he has to sit out a few games for wang or herpes-related injuries, he’s at Florida for chrissake, not North Dakota State!  I’ll confess, I get a Teboner just thinking about all the girls he could plow.”

While others find the young QB’s patience and virtue commendable, some physiologists have warned that whoever Tebow chooses to marry could face an eruption the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Krakatoa.  “Think Peter North in Bankok after taking a vitamin B shot…multiplied by 1,000″ warned one expert.

“That scene in Scary Movie will look like a faulty park water fountain compared to Tebow’s pending Old-Faithful-on-steroids eruption.” said another concerned physiologist.  “Like dropping a ton of Mentos into a 30-gallon bottle of Coca-Cola.”

And while some laud Tebow’s religious convictions, not everyone is impressed.

“Listen to me and listen to me good: It ain’t fuckin worth it,” a clearly irate A.C. Green said.

Bizarre Countdown segment turns into rally cry for Favre Playgirl shoot

favre loving the applause

The ESPN Countdown crew, led by the shameful boozebag Chris Berman and a collection of jock-sweaters, took their Favre mancrush to a new level during Sunday’s broadcast. Berman, accompanied by an especially retarded-acting Stuart Scott, opened the show in unusual fashion.

Dressed in French maid outfits, the two poster boys of hell, along with Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski, began taking turns dancing and fondling a grotesquely stained life-size cardboard cutout of Brett Favre, while highlights of the beloved quarterback ran on the flat screen in the background.

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Cardinals add Timm Rosenbach to Ring of Embarrassment

timm-rosenbachThe Arizona Cardinals final home game of the season will most likely be lacking enthusiasm but won’t be short on spine tingling chills. Old friend Timm Rosenbach will be making a special appearance at halftime when Arizona brass add the horrible ex-QB to their storied Ring of Embarrassment that encompasses the facade of the upper tier, similar to the Ring of Heroes that normal football franchises have.

The ceremony will include highlights on the jumbotron of Rosenbach’s most improbable interceptions, jaw-dropping red zone gaffes, laughable fumbles and many of the devastating sacks he suffered during his tenure as a Cardinal.

“We thought it would be a nice way to celebrate the continued misery here in Arizona,” said the latest incompetent Cardinals executive. “It’s an eclectic group, or maybe it’s just a stupid group. I don’t know, but Seeing Timmy’s name next to Joe Bugel, Randall Hill and Kent Graham will be quite a moment for us personally as well as the thousands roasting in attendance. Ring of Heroes? I think not. What’s a hero anyway?”

In town for the festivities are former Cardinals and Ring of Embarrassment hopefuls Steve Beuerlein, Stan Gelbaugh, Chris Chandler, Terrence Flagler and Denny Green along with RoE mainstays Bugel, Hill and Graham.

Oddly enough, Rosenbach is also set to enter Washington State University’s Hall of QB Jokes this fall too, joining fellow legends Mark Rypien and Ryan Leaf.

ESPN message board regular “ChiefsRule86″ pretty sure he’ll get his own column soon

chiefsrule861(BRISTOL, CONN) — Kansas City Chiefs message board regular Neil Boninghouse (aka “ChiefsRule86″) believes its only a matter of time before ESPN execs recognize his awesome sports knowledge and glorious writing skills and make him a regular columnist on ESPN.com, the world-wide leader in douchebags.

Despite writing the majority of his commentary naked in his parents basement between furious masturbation sessions to “BangBus.com” trailers, ChiefsRule86 provides an insightful, while altogether unique voice, especially when he routinely dishes out his trademark zinger “Trent Green RULES!”, a real treat for those lucky enough to be on the board at the same time. It’s insightful, witty commentary like that which has no doubt raised a few eyebrows in Bristol.

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ESPN enters Day 4 of 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame show

empty stadium
ESPN analysts say, "there has to be a Super Bowl here sometime soon."

Despite not having a Super Bowl representative from the AFC or NFC determined, ESPN’s Chris Berman and the network’s countless courageous football analysts trudged through Day 4 of their 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame special in Miami, Florida.

Each stooge has been super glued to their stadium outpost guaranteeing that they cover almost every single thing that happens in and around the stadium until the yet to be announced kick-off time, set to take place a little less than two months from this coming Sunday. Given the show’s unusual length, the network has stopped at nothing to ensure talent remains fresh throughout the dread-cast.

Chris "I make Patrick Ewing look dry" Berman has been supplied with an endless array of tacky bright suits that, at his request, have been deep-fried instead of dry-cleaned. Also, since he can only be seen from the waist up, his feet have been soaking in a giant bucket of blue cheese to provide extra comfort. Countdown cohort Tom Jackson has been successfully aided by a large spit-bowl said to be 9 times the size of the standard spit-bowl used by former Heavyweight boxer, George Forman. The other notable and most dramatic wardrobe change so far has been for Steve Young, who has galloped onto the set atop a giant white horse to give his hourly quarterback analysis. Michael Irvin, the bouncy, high-spirited, peppy analyst has surprisingly been the least needy of the crew, with his only request being that his on-set barber tidy up the nearly flawless lines on the side of his head every 16 hours.

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2007 NFL Preview Issue

HERNIA HEADQUARTERS – As the 2007 football season fastly approaches, Hernia sources have again scoured the nation flooding each and every training camp pestering any coach, executive, or hot female intern for the latest juice, gossip, and ridiculous tidbits about your favorite teams. Without further ado, it’s the Hernia’s 2nd Annual NFL Preview.

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Paul McGuire Points Out Man On Field Is ‘A Football Player’

Stunning insight from husky broadcaster ends fan confusion

PHILADELPHIA – In one of the most shockingly precise sports commentaries ever uttered, ESPN NFL announcer Paul McGuire pointed out that Eagles offensive lineman, Jon Runyan, was ‘a football player’, immediately blowing the minds of every single person watching the broadcast. The amazingly perceptive comment ended mass fan confusion and will likely result in multiple Emmys for the former punter turned announcer.

McGuire was calling the Eagles-Cowboys pre-season game on ESPNd "The Douche" when the camera started to focus on a sweaty and dirty Runyan sitting on the bench. Seemingly out of nowhere, McGuire unveiled his masterpiece.

"You see that guy, THAT GUY, is a football player."

Broadcast partner Mike Tirico’s head immediately exploded upon hearing the words, while an unfazed McGuire kept going, knowing full well he had stumbled upon something massive.

"That guy came to play football. He’s a football player.  That’s what he is. He didn’t come out here and try to play tennis or golf or Parcheesi, ‘cause that would be a mistake. This is a football game, and you need football players to play football. You can’t win NFL football games with a bunch of guys out on the field trying to play tether ball. The guy’s a football player."

Within minutes, the shockwaves could be felt throughout the entire sports world and fans everywhere were eternally grateful for the clarification.

"I can’t believe it, this is amazing." said Eagles fan Barry Dunkleworth. "I couldn’t figure out what that dude was doing out on the field, I actually thought it was that famous volleyball guy Karch Kiray for a second, and then McGuire just dropped some serious knowledge on me." 

Jesus Finally Drops Kurt Warner From Fantasy Football Team

Kurt Warner with Jesus
Jesus sheepishly poses with longtime fantasy QB, Kurt Warner, who hasn’t heard the news about being dropped from the squad.

(AP) HEAVEN – In a long overdue move, Jesus has finally parted ways with his longtime fantasy football QB Kurt Warner.  The shocking news was revealed when Jesus e-mailed in his 3 “keepers" to the rest of his league (High Rollers and O.G’s on CBS Sportsline) and the former grocery-bagger-turned-arena-league-QB-turned-spiritual-Superbowl-MVP-turned-crappy-has-been wasn’t on the list.

The move comes on the heels of a horrendous 5-year run in which Jesus finished in last place in each of those seasons.  Once a feared fantasy football god, Jesus has fallen on hard times lately with his stubborn refusal to let go some of his favorite players.  Fantasy football analyst and gigantic nerd, Marty Fishsticks, explains: "He had a nice run about 5 years ago when Warner was at his zenith, but let’s face it he’s been AWFUL of late.  I mean, he just gave away Dante Culpepper last year after the sex boat scandal, and the fact that he still keeps Reggie White on his roster…while it was a nice sentimental move that first year, it’s really hurting his roster flexibility."

Reigning league champ Satan, hopes the trend continues.  While he hit a rough patch several years back with busts like Ray Carruth and Lawrence Phillips, the tides have certainly changed.  "I love it!” gushed the Prince of Darkness, “Who are we kidding here, over the past few years alone, I’ve picked up Randy Moss, Jamal Lewis, Ray Lewis, all by either trading or picking them up off waivers from J.C, it’s laughable!!"  Satan then proceeded to queue up the entire Bengals team on his draft board.

Tom Brady Bangs Supermodels One at a Time, Just Like You and Me

FOXBORO, Mass. – In an attempt to dispel concerns about recent missed practices, all-American guy and quarterback of the New England Patriots Tom Brady inadvertently shattered the lives of every reporter in attendance.

Tom Brady: Just your average guy
Tom Brady: Just your average guy.

The gaggle of television, print and radio reporters stood by in utter confusion, waiting for Brady to further elaborate.

“Guys, it’s just a dead arm, come on,” Brady replied. “Tom Brady gets a dead arm just like everyone else.  Just like we all put Diesel jeans on one leg at a time and bang supermodels one at a time.  You guys know what I mean.”

“No Tom,” the crowd replied in unison.  “We don’t.”

More silence struck until one young, sassy reporter informed the others on just what “banging a supermodel” meant.  After hearing the translation, string-haired muppet Dan Shaunessy, there to ask Brady about the Curse of the Bambino, fled the scene in tears.

“Hey where’s Dan going?” Brady asked.

“Probably to his Oldsmobuick, then back to his hag of a wife, then straight to a bottle of Old Grand Dad whiskey until about 5 a.m.,” NESN reporter Shamus Bacne said.

“Women, huh?” Brady said.  “See this is exactly what I’m saying.  I drink whiskey too.  Mostly Crown Royal.  And did you say Oldsmobile?  I drive a GM product – it’s a custom Hummer, completely outfitted with the Concord’s old interior.  C’mon fellas, it’s me, Tom Brady.  Joe Six-Pack!  Just a regular old guy with an above average build, stunning looks, an uncanny sense of fashion, impeccable timing, a golden arm and such amazing athletic gifts that when I do anything on the field it looks incredibly easy.  You know!”

The lives and accomplishments of every single reporter flashed in front of their eyes in just a couple of seconds and Michael Smith of the Boston Globe realized he was suddenly standing in a pool of his own urine.

“Hey Mikey, did you pee yourself?” Brady continued.  “Ah shucks, don’t worry about that.  Many of the most gorgeous women on the planet have done that just by looking at me.  I remember the time I was hanging out with a couple of guys from around my block once.  Me, Derek Jeter, Matt Dillon, the King of Jordan, and Dillon saw Angelina Jolie and I swear his brow got moist.  We really razzed him about that later on when we were plowing the latest crop of Elite Models.”

Boston Herald intern Dick McNuthin broke out into a nervous laughter until Brady flickered his eyes and the young writer instantly disintegrated. 

“Alright, alright,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP said. “Enough of this gloom and doom. I’m going to be alright – because I’m nearly inhuman. Let me buy all you guys some lunch. I know this place that has the best fries. They deep-fry them in fat rendered from endangered Komodo Dragons. It’s delicious.” 

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