The Sports Hernia

BRISTOL, CT – ESPN brass held their breath this past Sunday afternoon after the overwhelming weight of NFL Countdown’s 14 analysts caused the panel to collapse through the floor, crashing directly into a Cold Pizza walkthrough. Hosts Chris Berman, Stuart Scott, and Trey Wingo, along with analysts Tom Jackson, Steve Young, Michael Irvin, Ron Jaworski, Chris Mortenson, Sean Salisbury, Mike Golic, Mark Schlereth, Eric Allen, John Clayton and Merril Hoge (left without a seat) had been debating over who would be participating in an exciting 3-on-3 “loose ball fumble” simulation set to take place on the plastic, ultra-realistic, 5’ x 8’ studio football field during the next segment.

Ron Jaworski (seated third from right) was the first analyst to sense the floor buckling.

“It all started when Schlereth only offered Golic two and a half feet of his six foot ‘party hero’, you could just feel the tension. Then Golic really lost it when he found out Schlereth would be manning the one-man offensive line for Steve in the fumble segment,” explained John Clayton, who had a giant bandage wrapped around his forehead. “He reached over Trey to grab at Mark and all of the sudden Jaworski screamed that he heard a crack, and then I noticed the desk was starting to cave in. I think I blacked out after that. When I came to, I was one floor lower and trapped under the Cold Pizza couch with Mort and Woody Paige. An awful day to say the least.”

Adding insult to injury, Countdown producer Darren Cartwright, in a state of shock, neglected to send it to commercial break, giving viewers live footage of the hilarious scene. Stuart Scott and Cold Pizza’s angry hawk, Skip Bayless, were seen getting into a shoving match over whose suit had brighter pinstripes, while Jaworkski and Wingo fled the disastrous scene eventually finding cover in Woody Paige’s deluxe tanning bed. In another corner, apparently unaware cameras were still rolling, Salisbury cornered Clayton and proceeded to give him an atomic wedgie while repeatedly referring to him as ‘McFly’ and claiming he ‘missed a spot’ on his car. Sensing desperation, a production assistant on set rushed to an unconscious Chris Berman but failed in his attempt to wake him with smelling salts. In a last ditch effort, the assistant ran to the food spread, filled a pint glass with blue cheese and held it under Berman’s nose as he awoke within seconds, finally sending the show to commercial break.

Several employees remained on set, some assisting with the clean-up while others quietly chuckled in small groups, rehashing the events that just occurred. According to studio engineer and soon to be fired, Jerry Lemmons, the writing was on the wall. “I knew this was going to happen, and I tried to warn them. It’s a logistical nightmare,” he said. “Any time you’re putting the weight equivalent of six elephants on a studio stage, it’s bound to end badly. I mean, their suits alone weigh 1,000 pounds.”

ESPN spokesman Cleveland Garystein declined comment on this story.

Additional reporting by J.Hamel

Redskins savior, Tom Cruise.

by Hernia Staff

Daniel M. Snyder and his investor group took the obvious and logical step of signing Tom Cruise to a two-year deal, days after the centaur-chested actor was dropped from Paramount pictures.

Hernia sources learned a glib Snyder, blown away by Cruise’s near-perfect moves in 1983′s "All the Right Moves," signed the midget sparkplug to a 2-year deal as a player/team exec that gives him ‘creative control’ on all football matters.

According to reports, the always eager Cruise immediately reported to the Washington Redskins training camp facilities, thanks to a midnight flight piloted by John Travolta.

Under terms of the deal, the deluded spitfire will see significant playing time at QB, cornerback, running back and punt returner, and has requested 5 minutes during every halftime to give the team an emotional speech. Redskins fans can also expect endzone celebrations to feature couches, a shrine to Xenu and just complete and utter freakouts.

Cruise’s infectious positivity has caught on like cosmic solar flares in the locker room. Half the team is already off Ritalin, heroin, postpartum depression medication and old Brooke Shields’ movies, while offensive lineman Jon Jansen has grown 4 inches since T.C. helped him kick Mountain Dew. The newfound attitude is most apparent in Clinton Portis, the injured star running back who can now been seen in the hallways regularly cocking his head back and laughing maniacally.

Players union head, Gene Upshaw said he was pleased with the signing, saying that it could help the cause for guaranteed contracts since many Thetans are impervious to injuries or illnesses.

Other changes the Cruise Missle has instituted include:
- Outside of the helmets will feature feathered hair for a sheek, hipper look
- Half the games to be played in slo-motion, for effect
- Playbook replaced with Dianetics
- Danny Masterson to spin at team functions
- Fat chick from "King of Queens" to eat Nathan’s hot dogs in-between quarters
- Drunk tanks replaced with recruitment centers
- Signing of hipster/slacker Beck as WR
- QB Jason Campbell promoted to starter because of his grasp of the intricacies of Al Saunders’ offense and his recent ascension to Thetan IV
- Beer at stadium replaced with barley water
- FedEx Field renamed Battlefield Earth

By: M. Noonan

Brenda Warner, seen here in new wig made of bleached buffalo pubes, scares evil spirits out of Kurt’s eyes.

ARIZONA – For many moons the Evil Coyote Spirit has destroyed the crops of the Guhunka tribe of Arizona. Such was the case this past summer into fall, rendering the tribe’s yield insufficient.

But hope has come to the Guhunka, thanks to a new addition to the Arizona Cardinals sideline named Brenda Warner, and to the outside-the-box thinking of one loyal tribesman named Red Cloud.

In the middle of a heated brainstorming session about the Coyote, presided over by Chief Preying Wolf, the young tribesman mustered up the courage to speak.

“Chief Preying Wolf, if it is not too presumptuous of me, allow me to make a suggestion,” a timid Red Cloud said.

“Speak,” replied Preying Wolf.

“My cousin Larry told of a great temple where the white man throws around the hide of a grown pig, in great combat against foes,” Red Cloud said.  “As the story goes, on the 7^th day the sun rises, inside of this temple sits a curious yet powerful figure in prime 50-yard-line seats.”

“You’ve got my ear,” replied Wolf.

“The figure is called She Who Lays With QB Who Looks Like Her. It is said that she brings great and frightening power. It is said that she warded off all that was impure in the Lands of the Underarea.”

“You mean Amsterdam?”

“Yes.  That place,” Cloud replied.  “It is even said that she is more powerful and more frightening than the Great She-Devil Carcass that scared away Vulture Spirit from our neighboring Kehoonaka tribe.”

“Impressive,” the chief said.  “Very well. So, with the smashing of this ceremonial eagle egg, it is decided that we will summon She Who Somehow Now Has Blond Hair And Lays With QB Who Also Happens to Look Like Her But Only Many Moons Younger.”

And so Brenda Warner was summoned.  The over-under on when she will try to convert the tribesmen to Christianity is 4 minutes.