Archive for the 'F.U. Corner' Category

Hey Vick, FU

Michael-Vick-R.articleHey Vick, Fuck YOU!!!!!!!

Hi Michael (or Mike, or whatever the fuck you want to be called) welcome back to society. I would like to welcome you back with a big FUCK YOU!

You are a fucking scumbag, we all know this. And I really don’t give two shits about the actual crime, I am not some PETA whack job on a crusade to save dogs, turtles, insects or insects stuck to shit, I just simply think you are a piece of dung, and the fact that you got your old job back pisses me off.

Why did you get your old job back? Oh right, because you are famous and have an extraordinary skill set that is suited for the NFL. During your bogus 60 Minutes interview the other night, I was just hoping Mr. Brown would have asked you one very simple question, actually two questions.

1. Are you remorseful that you were killing dogs, or that you got caught?

2. If you were never caught, would you still be dog fighting today?

That is all. I would venture to guess that you are pissed you got caught, which is why you lied about it when the charges were brought against you and I would bet the Bad Newz Kennels would still around today if you hadn’t been caught — so fuck you, you piece of dog shit, pun intended.

BBW-FUAnd you know what, NFL? Fuck you too. You are just as guilty as Vick in this situation. This is just another example of you spineless bastards letting criminals back into your league for ratings. This has been going on for years, but you continue to have a selective memory for players that have rap sheets as long as the Dead Sea scrolls. I would bet a million dollars if I were thrown in the clink for two years my employers would not hire me back once I got out. Those are just facts.

So, thank you NFL for teaching us this valuable lesson: You can break any law you want, just as long as you say “sorry, my bad” and find the lord while you are all clinked up. Come on back and play football for millions of dollars. It’s all good. They clearly have no standards, so fuck you, NFL, and fuck you, Vick. You two deserve each other. My vomit has more class and standards than you two combined, so get Sunday-fucked from now ’til February.

* Actually, under the same circumstances, The Sports Hernia would hire BBW back.

A Preemptive F.U. to OJ Mayo

O.J. Mayo

Hey, OJ Mayo. I barely know who you are. I’ve never even seen you play. I couldn’t point you out in a freaking 2 on 2 game. But let me just give you this:

A preemptive “Fuck You” before you start pissing me off on a daily basis.

So it’s been said you want to go to USC for future marketing opportunities and that Los Angeles is the best place to start. Awesome. The NBA needs another self-promoting Prima Donna douchebag like strip clubs need a wildly contagious form of genital warts to break out. Announcing this was also a brilliant idea, now the NCAA will be investigating USC as soon as you and your porn-stache set foot on campus. This is great for the college game, well done. What a fuck nut, I hope you become Jayson Williams’ new limo driver. You are the poster boy for an amateur athlete.

This is an actual quote from one of Mayo’s entourage (which all high school basketball players need) when Tim Floyd asked for his cell phone number: “OJ doesn’t give out his cell,” he said. “He’ll call you.” What? This spoiled fucking jackass needs a reality check. If Floyd were a self-respecting coach, he would have told Mayo to get fucked, play somewhere else. They are hiring at McDonald’s. These spoiled high school kids control college coaches, which just speaks volumes about how spineless some of them are. Mayo also said that he wants to go to a program where he can make a mark, maybe he isn’t wanted at other respectable programs because of his fucking thug past.

During Mayo’s first visit to USC he brought along a documentary camera crew, what a savvy move. Another thing all great high school players need, because it worked out well for Sebastion Telfair and his “Through the Fire” documentary. Can someone let me know how Telfair is doing? Last I heard he was tearing it up with the Beasts of the East, the Boston Celtics. Well played.

Which reminds me, Dildo Mayo, how many arrests do you have and how many high schools have you attended? Just about more than you have fingers on your hands. It is always a good sign when a player bounces around high schools, a great sign of stability. He sounds really coachable, just what every college needs. I don’t see any problems with him moving to LA, so much less trouble to get into than in West Virginia. Surely there will be a plethora of refs that he can literally push during games like he
did in high school. I hope Dick Bavetta gives him a scissor kick straight to his nuts during his first NBA game, if he makes it that far.

By the way, nice fucking performance in the McDonald’s All-American game: 4-17 shooting, very impressive. That definitely warrants being a total fucking jackass and pushing people around. How about this, score a point in college before you get all Lebron James on us. Better yet, stop being such a fucking dildo and just play basketball and let that do the talking for you. Also, why don’t you do some research on Kevin Durant, you can’t hold his jock, but you talk like you are a fucking Michael Jordan.

So, in summation, before you get more out of hand, get fucked, and get fucked hard, you insanely pompous fucknut.

Below is real news about this shitbag, enjoy.

In January 2007, Mayo allegedly assaulted referee, Mike Lazo, after being ejected from a Huntington High game vs. Capital High School at theCharleston Civic Center [6] According to West Virginia Secondary School Activities Commission rules, Mayo was suspended for two games. However due to allegations supported by video evidence that Lazo had overreacted and faked the incident, a temporary restraining order was signed byCabell County Circuit Court Judge Dan O’Hanlan, temporarily lifting the suspensions on Mayo and five other players suspended due to incidents at that game. [7] However, shortly after, the restraining order was nullified and Mayo was suspended for three games, a punishment that Mayo described as “fair.” [8]

On March 9, 2007, Mayo and three other men were cited by the Cabell County Sheriff’s Dept. for misdemeanor simple possession of marijuana. Officers found the cannabis in a car in which Mayo was a passenger and, since no one claimed possession, all occupants were ticketed. [9] Charges against Mayo were dropped on March 12, 2007 after one of the other passengers in the vehicle took responsibility for the marijuana.[10]

An NBA F.U.

The NBA season is upon us, and I am geared up. Who is with me? Another season of thrilling basketball, of high scoring 80 point games and news on the winning personalities of NBA players, but first I would like to say, how should I put this, FUCK YOU to the following:

Atlanta Hawks: Fuck You and your awful franchise, it pains me to think that the greatest in game dunker of all time is linked to your piss poor franchise. Get your fucking shit together and put a team on the floor that is worth a damn, I mean there are like 30 fans in Atlanta that pay to see you dickbags.

Kobe Bryant: Fuck off and go play for the Real Madrid Teka, or Barcelona FC. Every god damn day with news about whether Kobe is going to play for the Lakers, who gives a shit, the Lakers are going to be shitty with or without Kobe, so get fucked and head to Europe. Look on the bright side Kobe, 16 is the legal age over there.

San Antonio Spurs: Jesus, I want them to Fuck Off already, they are the most boring team to watch. I would rather watch two friends play NBA Live on Xbox with the Bobcats and Hawks before watching a Spurs game. It would be way more exciting than seeing Tim Duncan and his fundamentally sound move into the lane, where he tries to get fouled by throwing his arms in the air. Holy fuck they suck to watch. It is embarrassing that they had to knee Nash in the balls to move onto the NBA finals. Speaking of which…

Cleveland Cavaliers: You can Fuck Off as well, thanks for being solid competition to the most boring championship series since the first title in 1947 when Chicago took on Philadelphia. Outside of game two where Cleveland topped 90 points and San Antonio topped 100, the final scores are almost identical to the 1947 title. Back then, they were playing in loafers and business suits and were not allowed to dunk and there was no three point line. Lord, you guys fucking suck, and now I have to sit through an entire year wondering if these two shitbags are going to make it to the finals again?

David Stern: Fuck You, really, just fuck off, you have traded NBA’s once great product for the all mighty dollar, there are so many reasons to hate you I can’t just pick one. A friend of mine (or a person that I know because I don’t have friends, I told them all to Fuck Off) is currently writing a book on how you fucked up the NBA, he is worried his publisher won’t go for his 8,975 page version and will have to be edited severely.

Kirk Hinrich: Fuck You, I am not completely sure why, he just seems like a dick. Oh yeah and he went to Kansas, so he has to be an unlikable dingleberry, so fuck off.

This list in no way protects other possible targets because I am sure once the season starts and idiots like Stephon Marbury and Stephen Jackson get into the full swing of the season, more Fuck You’s will follow, so for now, the above people can just get fucked, real hard.

Hey, FOX NFL Robot, FUCK YOU!

What the fuck are you? What the hell do you have to do with football? I am sick of seeing your retarded ass every weekend, so Fuck Off and die in the local scrap heap.

robot
Hernia researchers went to the Fox Sports NFL page to find a picture of the gay robot. No Luck. Amazingly, you can only find him where the audience is 8 billion people.  Above is a picture of what a robot should be doing.

Every god damn commercial I have to watch this retarded robot jump around the screen like Corky. It is infuriating. It has NOTHING to do with football. It looks like a juiced up Johnny #5 on crystal meth. Who the fuck came up with this? Who is supposed to be enjoying this? Did some focus group determine that 65% of FOX NFL viewers are robots? I am imagining this is how the creative process went at FOX:

Stupid FOX Executive: “Okay guys, we need a new and fresh idea to take us to commercials for the games this year. What do you got?”

The only Intelligent FOX employee: “How about we don’t patronize the viewers and just have a FOX NFL logo in the corner while we show shots of the city?”

Fucking Moron FOX employee #879: “Let’s have an animated Robot!”

Stupid FOX Executive: “Brilliant, it’s a go, have it on my desk in two weeks.”

The Only Intelligent FOX Employee: “What does a robot have to do with pro football?”

Stupid FOX Executive: “Good question. Fucking Moron FOX employee # 879, can you answer that?”

Fucking Moron FOX employee #879: “Well, we can have the robot do calisthenics…like running in place, and he will have a football in his hand.”

Stupid FOX executive: “Sold! Get it done, you have been promoted to Fucking UBER Moron employee level 3.”

The ONLY Intelligent FOX employee: “Someone kill me. I wonder if the Outdoor Life Network is hiring.”

If there is an NFL player out there that warms up for a game like that goddamn robot does, someone let me know. He does the dumbest moves. It is like watching Jack LeLanne. This is 2006, until robots are competing in NFL games, get them the fuck out.

I wonder if Fucking Moron FOX employee #879 is the same jacknut that came up with Scooter, the animated baseball? If so, he is on my ‘things to do’ list. I love when Scooter tells me about a fastball: “A fastball is a pitch that goes really fast.” Thanks Scooter, you fuckwad, but that is for another day.

So, in summation, FOX NFL Robot, fuck off and die a slow, slow death on BattleBots.

‘Hey Doug Collins, Fuck You’

You Max Hedroom looking mother fucker, fuck off and shove your microphone and head up your own ass and give me a “little” color commentary of your “little” rectum.

This guy is a goddamn joke of an announcer.  The diligent Sports Hernia reporters have pointed out Doug’s pension to reference Mr. Jordan about 50 times a telecast, however I want to expand on it some more.  It is so ridiculous – “Me and Michael”, “when I was coaching Michael”, “Michael this”, “Michael that.”  Okay. We get it.

You coached Michael Jordan.  People think Jordan is the best ever. We got it. You were his coach, and you call him Michael — not Jordan. I got it the first 5,000 times you said it.  Give it up already. I would venture to guess that Jordan is not going around saying, “when Doug coached me the Bulls were awful and couldn’t win a title until Phil Jackson came aboard…” Well, maybe he is saying that.  So…just shut the fuck up about Michael already.

“Score the basketball.” This is a favorite catch phrase for Collins. Think about that for a second. Okay, you got it, now let’s see how he likes to use this phrase.  “You see, Dwayne Wade’s plan tonight is try to and score the basketball.”  Really, that is his plan?  I thought he was going to use the basketball as a topping at the Sundae bar in the pressroom.  I am completely shocked he wants to score the basketball.  All these years watching and playing basketball I thought I was supposed to use the basketball as a skateboard.  Maybe that is why I never made it to the NBA. I now know the difference between me and Wade.  “Score the basketball.” It is unfucking real that he gets paid to say this.  Next thing he is going to tell me is that I should breathe in oxygen instead of trying to bottle it and sell it to aliens.  Fucking moron.

 Then there is his favorite word, “little.”  Everything is little. A little jumpshot, a little baby hook (which is redundant), a little crossover. Everything is fucking little.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t NBA players large people with enormously bloated contracts? There is nothing little about this league. 

 “Dunkshot” is an actual word he uses, OFTEN.  What is a dunkshot?  Is it a dunk or a shot?  It can’t be both, you either dunk it or shoot it.  I don’t drive a carcycle, I don’t cook on a microstove.  Then he says a “Little dunkshot.” Am I losing my mind, a little dunkshot?  Where the fuck am I, the bizarre-o world?

 It’s not just the obvious comments he adds, he just has nothing to say about the game that means anything. When he is doing a Lakers game, it is awful. He talks about Kobe the whole fucking game, it is like he bought stock in Kobe’s life. It is nauseating.  I swear, if he had a dildo in his hand instead of a microphone and was in his house watching the Kentucky Derby he would be talking about Michael or Kobe or that shooting 50% from the free throw line is not a good percentage because you only make half your free throws.  He is a robot that adds no color to the game and never stops talking. He is a fucking joke and should do us all a favor and… JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP COLLINS!

The Fuck You Corner would like to make some resolutions for the New Year

In 2007 I will pledge to do the following things:

1. I will not give an enormous fuck you to Barry Bonds if he passes Hank Aaron’s record, I might even congratulate him. He worked very hard keeping his body juiced to the nines with steroids, and he will deserve this great honor.

2. I will not drop a fuck you to Isiah Thomas when he leads the Knicks to three wins in the month of January and I will certainly not give James Dolan a fuck you either for ruining one of the most storied franchises in NBA history, that would just be wrong of me. There is no reason for me to get upset about the Knicks payroll being the same as the Red Sox (with half the players on the roster) and being the laughing stock of the NBA.

3. When Notre Dame gets smoked in the Sugar Bowl by LSU I will leave the BCS system alone for giving Notre Dame an automatic bid to a BCS game every year. They are off the hook, and have my blessing to continue to fuck up college football and the bowl season. I won’t even mind when they expand the BCS bowls to 16 games, and the total number of college bowl games to 96, so the Delaware Institute of Toxicology and almost every other Division 1 team can play in some crap ass bowl.

4. When June 24 rolls around and the Final game of the NBA playoffs is being played, with college football starting in a few weeks and NBA training camp just weeks away, I will leave David Stern alone for expanding the playoffs to seven games and spreading the playoffs out farther than Jenna Jameson’s legs. This will be completely fine with me even if young players such as Dwayne Wade will have to cut their career short because of all the playoff games they had to play. This is great for game of basketball.

5. I am even going to be big enough to leave Curt Schilling alone when Spring Training rolls around and he begins his year long monologue with the press about how the Yankees are the evil empire and how they spend all kinds of money. Apparently he hasn’t looked at his paychecks for the past 10 years, and the millions of dollars he has raked in as a hired gun, but I guess people who live in glass houses.

6. The NBA all-star game is in Vegas. Jesus, this is going to be a total disaster. Who’s bright idea was this? But I am going to be the bigger person and not say anything about the brain trust who put this weekend together, I am sure it will go very smoothly. How can anything go wrong in Vegas?

7. And finally, when that special time in the spring rolls around and this great nation gets all jazzed up for the WORST sporting event of the year, I will not drop f-bombs all over it. I will let the Kentucky Derby come and go and leave it alone, I won’t even mention the 200 hours of TV coverage leading up to an event that lasts less than two minutes, because that is just smart use of TV time. Then, following the race when some shitpile animal with a retarded name like Grandma’s Pantyhose wins the derby and ESPN begins to waste even more time talking about if that animal will win the Triple Crown, I will sit by idle and just let the events unfold. It won’t bother me one second that the sports nation will get wrapped up in the possibility of there being another Secretariat, which made ESPN’s top 25 athlete’s of the ESPN era, I am completely fine with all of this.

On second thought, I take it all back, fuck these dildos mentioned above. I am going to give them a preemptive FUCK YOU, you have been warned. If you assbags live up to my predictions then you deserve a Fuck You from every sports fan in this nation, you jokes of human beings, you fuckbags. Especially you horse loving freaks, they are fucking ANIMALS. Wake up, you fucking jockey-fuckers. Please find a secluded place, grab a shovel and dig a hole and then shove that shovel up your ass and just FUCK OFF already.

‘To the Baseball Hall of Fame voters, FUCK YOU, you uneducated pompous bastards,’

To the Baseball Hall of Fame voters, FUCK YOU, you uneducated pompous bastards, I would like to use your puny little heads as a tee ball stand. Get your goddamn votes straight and get Jim Kaat and Keith Hernandez in the Hall of Fame, you fuckwads.

Now I know these two have for the most part been forgotten by the assbag voters and the majority of the media as well, but lesser players have been voted into the Hall of Fame (i.e., Don Sutton and his white-man jerri curl), but what kills me is that these are the two best fielders ever at their positions and they get zero respect. If you’re going to let guys in specifically because they were wizards in the field, like Ozzie Smith and Brooks Robinson, it’s time to open the doors to these two unsung legends.

Hernandez is by far the best fielding first baseman ever, there is no two ways about it. Any respected baseball writer will tell you the same and he is not even on the ballot anymore. What the fuck is that all about? I guess having won 11 consecutive gold gloves, an MVP, two World Series rings, and having a sick fucking mustache and a batting average close to .300 isn’t good enough for the Hall of Fame.

I mean that is just a weak resume, right? You would think that in addition to the above mentioned stats his 129 game-winning RBI throughout his career could help, or even the seven times he batted over .300 in his career might be a nice feather in his cap. He also is the National League all-time leader in assists by a first baseman. And one last thing… what is it again… oh right: In 1985 he hit an MLB record 25 game-winning RBI. WHAT!?!?!?!? Are you kidding me? That is retarded. So, he is the best fielder and is unbelievably clutch at the plate. Hmmmm… that sounds like a perfect first baseman to me. Oh, wait, he didn’t hit 500 home runs, I forgot, that is all the Hall voters care about. God I am so stupid.

What the shit am I thinking? If that isn’t good enough, then surely 283 wins, a career ERA of 3.45 and 16 gold gloves isn’t good enough. 16 GOLD GLOVES, you are reading that right, 16, that is fucking ridiculous. That is the most ever, more than Ozzie Smith (three more to be exact). Why the shit did Ozzie get in because of defense and not Kaat?

Smith’s career average was .262, which is mediocre at best. So what the Wizard did a couple of fuckin backflips here and there. Big deal. Go write in the cast of Cirque du Soleil then. Or that Chinese dude from “Ocean’s 11.” Kaat’s career ERA was 3.45 – that’s impressive. He is just shy of the 300 win plateau, but his gold gloves should make up for those 17 games he was shy. This is an outrage. The veteran’s committee better get their shit straight and vote Mr. Kaat in.

robot
Have voters been captured by a bunch of Sleestacks?

I know you people will say it is unfair to compare Kaat to Smith because shortstop is the hardest fielding position on the diamond. Well what about pitching nine innings and keeping your team in the game and still fielding almost flawlessly in a time when small ball still existed and fielding was a major factor in games? Can I mention 16 Gold Gloves again, most players careers don’t last 16 years. Have the voters been captured by a bunch of Sleestacks and haven’t seen a game in 40 years?

But excuse me for just looking at stats, this is baseball and they really do mean nothing, right? Kaat pitched in the same era as Gibson and Koufax, who were first ballot Hall of Famers, so obviously the Hall of Fame voters’ brains can handle thinking about more than a few players from that era. I am asking way too much. Kaat and Koufax faced off in the 1965 World Series with the Dodgers coming out on top. However, in Game 2 Kaat pitched a one-run complete game to out duel Koufax, which was one of the all-time great post-season games.

These are Hall-worthy accomplishments, but not to the pen-humping voters. Kaat was in the league when Gibson, Koufax and Drysdale were in their prime, so he gets ignored. What a load of cow dung, the voters really missed the boat on this, they should all get their cards revoked and sent to the Ass-Monkey Hall of Fame.

So, to you all you voters that had their thumb square up their asses while these two great players have passed you by, FUCK YOU! You really did a bang up job of leaving two players out of the most legitimate of all the sports’ Hall of Fames. People say baseball is all about numbers, well, you jerkoffs should go back to algebra class and learn the value of numbers. And while you are there, take a slide rule and shove it straight up your ass and please, immediately, get fucked.

‘Hey Dickie V, FUCK YOU!’

Part 1:

Pssst, hey, Dickie, come here, I have got something to tell you — Fuck You, you bald headed, one-eyed jerk off.  I got a trifecta for you, Fuck You, Fuck You and FUCK YOU!

Barry Bonds

Duke Vitale

I was really torn on writing about this unbelievable jackass because he is such an easy target and so many people have already ripped him.  However, I thought about my childhood when I first heard Duke Vitale call a game. I remember I was excited that there was someone outside of Bill Rafferty that got so energized about the game.  Vitale used new lingo I had never heard before like “trifecta” and “diaper dandy”. Well, that was 15 fucking years ago Dick, wake the fuck up, get some new shit you ass burglar.

Duke Vitale has been spanking his monkey on TV for too long, it is time we all tell him fuck you, get some new material and maybe we’ll start watching games with the SAP button turned off.

Dukie, I mean Dickie, we get it, you love Duke, you love Coach K, you love Reddick, you love UNC, you love Bob Knight, you love diaper dandies, you love college kids, you love ramming Shane Battier’s used jock strap up your ass — we understand this.  You have an undying love for the game and everyone in it, but why don’t you stop talking about how much you love everything and comparing players to people of other sports and actors and actually tell me something about the game you are watching.  Would it kill you to tell me about the current play and not that this kid was raised by just his mom, and his brother is fighting cancer, his father was a hero in the Civil War and his distant cousin was Aristotle.  I don’t give a shit how “special” this kid is; tell me about his fucking shooting percentage from behind the arc, you pretentious fucknut.

If I want to know that Reddick took 800 three pointers the morning of every game while you were in the nose bleed section, stirring in the dark yanking your Blue Devils painted wang, I will seek that information out on your blog.  Give me something I can use while I am watching the game.  If I hear you talk about the SAT scores of the students watching the games I am going to fucking puke and light my pubes on fire.  This is not news to me that all the privileged rich kids that go to Duke have high SAT scores and a penchant for rape, I get it, they are smart and cheering on a bunch of kids that don’t have the same SAT scores.

Vitale, I have sent you something in the mail, it is one-way plane ticket to a little place I like to call, “Get Fucked’ville”. You will be amongst friends and I am making you the honorary Mayor.  Please take this opportunity to live out your life away from us all in this special town so the rest of America can start watching college hoops again with out being on suicide watch. Thank you and FUCK YOU.

Part II coming soon….

‘Hey Barbaro, Fuck You’

Hey Barbaro, fuck you and die already. I am sick of your broken ass being the leading story on ESPN.com, do all of us sports fans a favor and kick the bucket already.

When did ESPN.com become NEWSONWOUNDEDANIMALS.com? I mean it is nice not to hear about Bonds chasing Aaron or a not guilty verdict, but Barbaro is a fucking horse. An animal that is bred to run, it can’t run anymore so, let’s get a god damn bazooka and shoot his face off. I have big plans for Barbaro once he takes the animal dirt nap.

Barbaro with doctorFirst off, I have this big arts and crafts project that needs finishing and I am running out of glue. I could use his head to scare off Paulie Walnuts who has been on my case for the past month. Finally, there is a Chinese restaurant in my neighborhood that is running low on beef, they would gladly serve up some prize winning meat.

Now, I know this sounds harsh because it is a living being and all, but just kill the fucker – his life is over. What did you expect when you breed a 1500 pound animal to run on ankles the size of toothpicks? The real tragedy is that people think this is a sport. I play golf, that is not a sport, it is a skill, breeding an animal and sticking a midget on it so it can run fast is not a sport, it is a spectacle and a joke. If it weren’t for gambling, there would be lots of horses and midgets out of a job, which would be fine by me. An out-of-work midget jockey sounds like a great premise for a sitcom.

I can just see him in his chess board shirt, ridiculous dunce helmet and the stupid horse he was riding walking into Kinko’s looking for a job. Roll credits. Fuck you, Barbaro.

Hey, Pro Athletes That Point to the Sky, FUCK YOU!

What the hell are you doing?  This is a phenomenon that is sweeping the sports world, and I am a little confused.  Who the hell are you pointing to?

Alonzo Mourning

Alonzo Mourning keeps pointing at something.

Okay, I have heard some athletes say they are pointing to a family member that has passed away, may I ask why?  First off, that sucks about losing a family member, but get fucking real, why do you have to reference it every time you get a hit?   I have lost a family member and I don’t point to the sky every time I hit a 3 at the YMCA.  Do us all a favor and remember your family on your own time.

Then there are athletes that say they are pointing to God – are you fucking kidding me?  Do you honestly think God is watching you in the bottom of the third inning, no outs, no one on base and you hit a double?!  Do you really think he had a part in it?  People are being slaughtered in the thousands daily in Africa, don’t you think God has bigger fish to fry?  Are you that fucking egocentric?

I understand that there are a lot of religious people in sports, always thanking God for this and that, but news fucking flash, playing this sport is your job.  Do you hear about CEOs thanking God for last quarter’s profits?  Fuck no, you jackasses.  Your job is to get hits and get on base – do your job and shut the fuck up.  Which leads me to this: Why the fuck don’t you point to the sky when you make a nice play in the field? Can God only assist you with hitting?

When Albert Belle pointed to his bicep, that was a disgrace, but in retrospect, I like it, that makes sense.  He pointed to a muscle that blasted a home run off some poor pitcher that hadn’t discovered steroids yet.  This makes sense to me.  Tierry Henry should point to his right foot every time he scores a goal and Phil Mickelson should point at his bank statement every time he sees his wife.  It is cause and effect, God doesn’t assist you with the meaningless double in the third inning.

Letter to FU Corner

To FU Corner,

It is about time someone has realized this outrageous jester.  I am sick and freakin’ tired of jackasses pointing at me.  Where did these people learn manners, when I was a younger, I was taught that pointing is rude, period.

The Blue Sky
An appreciative Blue Sky responds to the FU Corner.

I swear, I can’t go a day without someone pointing to me for some lame ass achievement they just accomplished.  I mean if Al Roker wants to point to me when he correctly predicts a sunny day, fine, that makes sense, but when athletes do, I am like, “ Excuse me, do I know you? I didn’t think so, so stop freaking pointing at me.  I don’t know what you think is up here, ’cause I got news for you, there’s NOTHING.  I’ve been up here a while now, like for eternity, and from what I can remember, I haven’t bumped into God or Jesus or any of your dead relatives, so enough already.  You wanna point somewhere, point to the dirt, ’cause that’s where they are."

This really burns me up, so in return I throw out a freak thunderstorm, a horrible downpour to cancel a game.  Sometimes I move a cloud just in time so the sun glares in the eyes of an outfielder to make him miss a catch. Ahh, good times.

Pujols points to the sky

If there is one thing I know, don’t piss off things that are more powerful than you, and well I got news for you athletes, I will fall, fall right on top of your heads and nothing can save you – not God, not a dead relative, not even your $100,000 Hummer, you jackasses.

Sincerely,

The Blue Sky

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