The Sports Hernia

At least once a year, those manly, extreme magazines found at Hudson News stores in airports or 7-11s post lists of “50 things to do before you die.” The lists are generally way too ambitious, time-consuming and expensive to achieve, leaving only the likes of someone such as Scrooge McDuck able to actually complete them – because he is not real.

Nonetheless, the Sports Hernia has taken on the unenviable task of putting together its own list of unrealistic things to do. Good luck.

1. Run your fingers through Kelly Tripucka’s chest hair.

2. Refer to a girl as Chocolate Thunder – or any other Darryl Dawkins’ dunk.

3. Find and buy a pair of Phoenix sneakers and play a game in them. If you can find a pair of Patrick Ewing’s old brand of sneakers we commend you. If you play an entire game in them, we feel bad for you. Call the orthopedic surgeon in advance.

4. Sex Mutombo.

5. Go to a Tennessee/Alabama football game and wear a shirt that says “The South never rose and never will.” Read more »

Mike Tice Selling Saabs, Kicking Ass and Taking Names

West Babylon, NY — Mike Tice, former head honcho of the Minnesota Vikings was always known as a cerebral-type of NFL head coach. After being let go by the Vikings last season, the erstwhile coach decided to take a break from the gridiron and try his hand at Swedish automobile sales.   

Mike Tice was just killing time on his boat until calling old teammate and kindred spirit, David Puddy.

“As soon as the season ended, I thought "What would be the next logical choice?"  So I called up my one of my old high school lineman, David Puddy, and asked him if he had any openings on his Saab sales staff,” explained Tice wearing a Big Dog collection golf shirt unbuttoned to show off his glorious flowing chest hair.

After mulling over his paltry options for working in the NFL (including one with the New York Jets, who pushed hard to hire him as their head coach, GM, and CFO), Tice began working at Arnold Saab of West Babylon, NY in June.  He was an instant hit explained his sales manager and former left tackle, David Puddy. “My hombre, that’s Spanish, can flat out sell cars,” as he inhaled a doughnut in a single bite, slapped one of the mechanics in the ass, while giving out a myriad of high-fives to 9 passerbyers.

The only bump in the road came in early July during the dealership’s ‘Premium’ sales event (customers were given $20 Starbucks gift cards for taking test drives) when Tice was caught selling Starbucks Gift cards on Craigslists under the screen name, “cullpeppereatsdick”.

"Right now, life is good" Tice explained while questioned about the unfortunate situation. “It was a misunderstanding, these things happen. Bottom line – I won a fishing trip in the Bahamas for record breaking month of September. The NFL, for now can wait. I am all about selling Saabs, kicking ass and taking names.”

For a few fleeting moments each year, the planets align and all the major sports are in action at once in some form or another.  One such time recently passed, when hockey and football were in full effect, NBA was in its preseason, and the World Series was underway. During these times, our great nation is lucky enough to sit back and watch one of the greatest staples in all of sport: the buttslap.

Yes, the buttslap.  When professional athletes from the four major sports – plus college – have their juices flowing in competitive battle, it is a veritable smorgasbord of buttslaps for the American viewer.  Could any time be more glorious for this great nation?  I think not.

 I know that I do not speak for myself when I say that the buttslap makes all our collective aortas go mushy.  But what exactly is the buttslap?  Simply put, it is the physical manifestation of a compliment on the court, field or ice.  It is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged by some coaches.

I certainly can remember the first time I delivered a buttslap.  I was just a young sprite, playing junior varsity basketball as a freshman. I was shy yet able, curious yet underdeveloped.  We were playing the neighboring Catholic school in town before the varsity faced its team, and we were down a slew of buckets.  Lucky for us, our talented cheerleaders executed marvelous chants and really got our squad revving in the fourth quarter. We rallied a momentous comeback, capped off by a brash and highly risky no-look pass I delivered to our hairy sophomore stud, who banked it in to take the lead. The five parents in the stands and Hairy’s girlfriend let out a collective “woot.”  The electricity in the gymnasium that winter evening was palpable.

Our opponents called a timeout.  As my squad ran back to the huddle, Hairy pointed to me in acknowledgement.  I nodded back but he could see there was something more in my eyes.  As we approached the bench, he gave me a look that said, “Yeah, go for it.”  So I did.  I gave his 15-year-old junk trunk a solid buttslap.  All was good.

But enough about my exploits, I am writing to you today for two reasons: to outline the two forms of buttslaps out there and to propose a new one.

The first buttslap is what I call the “buttslap tap.” This is used when a player wants to say, “Nice job out there, buddy,” and taps a cheek of his teammate. Many times this slap occurs when players are substituting for one another, after a nice pass for a jumpshot, a first down, a stolen base, etc.

Then there is the more emphatic “straight-armed buttslap whack.”  These happen during more heated moments of the game like when a teammate gets fouled and still hits the shot, or after a goal to tie the game. The “straight-armed buttslap whack” is just what it sounds like: the deliverer swings his locked arm down and then up to the cheek of the desired teammate.

What I propose today to all those athletes out there is a third and new type of buttslap.  This slap is a hybrid of the other two, combining both force and finesse.  However, this buttslap can only be used in rare, exciting situations, as in a four-point play, a thunderous dunk that sends the game into overtime or a game-winning grand slam.

Here are the directions for the giver of this new buttslap:

1. Approach the desired player from the rear.
2. Tap the side of either cheek twice with the side of your hand.
3. Bring both arms straight back behind you and thrust them forward into your teammate’s cheeks.
4. (a)  Finally, squeeze the cheeks with all your manual might, kneading the rump with joyous affection.
5. (b) (Optional – only proceed if you have strong back): Bend your legs to lift your teammate off his feet and above your head via his backside.

To all those professional athletes out there, next time you are out on the court, on the field or in the dugout, try out this buttslap.  The rise it will evoke in your teammates will pump them up like you have never seen before.

A Hernia mole within ESPN attended the company holiday party last week and reported back to us via text messaging.  Read what transpired below:

8:15 – Stephen A. Smith loudly comments to no one that he’s enjoying his mini burger.

8:17 – Special guest Craig Kilborn locks wrists with Dan Patrick as they commence a marathon name-dropping session, followed by college basketball stories.  This is going to be a long night…

8:20 – Dick Vitale wraps his self respect and gives it to Coach K as a gift.  Coach K replies, “Oh, this again?”

8:23 – Jay Bilas raves about his waiters "giant hands and tremendous length."

8:27 – Tim Kurkjian and Peter Gammons discuss the Dodgers possible pitching rotation for the 2009 season.

8:30 – After eating 80 wings, Chris Berman rumbles, stumbles and bumbles way into shitter, but doesn’t make it to the end zone…

8:38 – Andy Katz sent home early by security after getting caught reading printouts of his own column to guests as they walk in.

9:01 – Ron "Jaws" Jaworski stuffs 30 pieces of shrimp in his mouth, one of which was John Clayton.

9:12 – Steve Phillips is caught telling Erin Andrews, "When I was a GM I used to drink eggnog like this and when I was a GM I used to do the Funky Chicken like this and when I was a GM I used to kiss under the mistletoe like this…"

9:18 – Chris Mortenson gives his first "Golic dump update" from outside his stall.

9:22 – Dee Brown’s “no look” dunking of chicken wings gag gets old.

9:35 – Greg Anthony and Tim Legler pretend to be on their cell phones as Stephen A. Smith walks by.

9:41 – A freak rainstorm strikes, forcing everyone outside to take shelter under Mitch Albom’s ears.

9:47 – Michael Irvin, Stuart Scott and Sterling Sharpe are mistaken for musical group The Time.

9:52 – A completely sober Sports Guy tries making out with David Stern.

9:53 – Partygoers mistake Lee Corso for Cheshire Cat, begin feeding him scraps.

9:58 – John Kruk arrives late, loosens up his tie, and checks three of his chins in the coat room.

10:01 – Digger Phelps busts out hi-liter orange-colored reindeer antlers and places on head.  Jay Bilas mutters under his breath "predictable."

10:04 – Steve Phillips decides to part his hair in the middle again, party erupts…

10:07 – Stuart Scott pops awkward boner while talking to guest Terrell Owens.

10:45 – An agitated Bob Ryan drops a glass of Early Times whiskey and says, "I can’t take it anymore," making a B-line for the Sports Guy and just pummels him (NBA fans around the country rejoice).

10:48 – A clearly drunk Harold Reyonlds crashes the party and gropes every female within a second baseman’s range (TheSportsHernia.com would like to note that Reynolds was that best thing about "Baseball Tonight."  We miss you Harold).

10:53 – Annual Stuart Scott vs. Steven a. Smith Blackoff commences, to see who can act blacker.

11:00 – A bombed Jayson Stark admits he’s related to Ba Ba Booey from the Howard Stern Show.

11:02 to 11:02 and 23 seconds – Chud Ford and John Hollinger exchange wild sex stories.

11:07 – John Clayton found hanging from coat hanger in bathroom by underwear.

11:30 – Skip Bayless morphs into an angry hawk and flies off with Tim Kurkjian.

11:41 – Eric Karabell and his notorious fantasy guru posse get in line to play "Joe Namath kissing joke" with an understandably horrified Suzy Kolber.

11:58 – Joe Namath shows up and accidentally tells Ron Jaworski how much he wants to kiss him.

Midnight – Jim Gray, wearing an ESPN speedo, stops by Joe Namath’s urinal to ask him about embarrassing kissing incident with Jaworski.

12:11am – Woody Paige turns the tables and playfully mutes Around the Horn host, Stat Boy, by violently shoving an empty scotch glass in his mouth.

12:17am – With no Roy Firestone in sight, Dennis Rodman waits to cry.

12:30 am – Bob Ley starts to broadcast "Outside the Lines: ESPN The Christmas Party."  Yet another 30 minutes of ESPN broadcasting that no one gives a shit about. 

1:28 am – Kirk Herbstreit tries to reheat leftover wings with his eyes. And succeeds…

Manute Bol

Not even the great Dr. J was a match for Manute Bol.

Height: 8’9"

Weight: 87lbs.

Teams: Bullets (twice), Warriors (twice), Sixers (twice), Heat (seriously)

Stats: He transcended them.

Arguably the greatest player of all-time, Bol was grace personified, earning him the nickname “Manute Bol-yshnikov”. His stunning fluidity was only magnified by Bol’s insistence on wearing the shorts of 5’8 teammate Michael Adams throughout much of his career. Sadly, Bol was forced to retire in the mid 90s due to repeated concussions, caused by dozens of head-on collisions with arena Jumbotrons.

Career changing moment: When Don Nelson encouraged him to launch 3′s whenever he got the ball, no matter where he was on the court

Strange But True: Bol was initially spotted by college scouts while bobsledding in Lake Placid

Comparable athlete in different sport: Lenny Dykstra

Career highlights:

• Was doused with shaving cream from head-to-toe by Rick Mahorn and Charles Barkley
• Dunked his own balls in vicious vendetta game against Bullets
• 1st and only player to have one of his balls credited with a blocked shot
• Routinely dunked 3-pointers in practice/warm-up drills
• Swiftly recorded more blocks than points in 8 of his 9 NBA seasons
• Beat the shit out of Karl Malone on several occasions

Career lowlights:

• Attended University of Bridgeport
• Accidentally packed Muggsy Bogues into his luggage (Bogues missed 5 games following the incident)
• Paid attention to Jim Lynam’s instruction
• Had more fouls than points in 4 of his 9 NBA seasons
• Was polite to every ref, including Steve Javie

Interesting life facts:

• At 15, the Dinka herdsman killed a marauding lion with his spear while it lay sleeping — a feat his agent noted during his contract negotiations (this is actually true). What’s more interesting is that same lion’s head now sits above Sarunas Marciulionis’ fireplace.
• Bol chipped a tooth by getting it caught on the net when he tried to slam dunk for the first time (actually true). Even more interesting is that same tooth once served as an integral part of Turk Wendall’s famed lucky tooth necklace.
• His short-lived, yet entertaining WWF tag team run with Kamala ended in controversy and just short of the tag team belts. After Bol performed his patented ‘tree limb’ kick to the face of Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhart, the sure pin was not to be as outside interference from Jimmy Hart forced the inevitable double DQ.

(By: T. Ryan and A. Grady)

Jack Wayne Sikma

Sikma in all his glory.

Height: 6’ 11" (7’2” in Milwaukee with killer flat-top)

Weight: 230lbs. of man-steel

Hair: Glorious

Teams: Sonics, Bucks

Stats: This category should be re-named style – Jack defined it.

Sikma, whose retired jersey hangs in the Seattle rafters and is on display in the Hernia ring of heroes, scored 17,287 points and grabbed 10,816 during his storied NBA journey. More importantly, he effortlessly grabbed more ass throughout his career than suave archrival Kurt Rambis. Walked to the beat of his own drum and truly put the perm on the map before Hubie Brown, who many mistakenly give credit to for the overwhelming perm craze of the late 70’s/early 80’s.

Career changing moment: Once the perm disappeared, so did his imposing presence in paint.

Strange But True: In his 1st home game with the Bucks, Sikma was responsible for burning the cornea of several people in the first row as he tore off his warm-up pants, revealing the most ungodly, pasty white legs to date (later trumped by Shawn Bradley’s offensive, snow-stick legs).

Comparable athlete in different sport: Darren Daulton, Jake Taylor 

Career highlights:

• 1st player to receive no look pass from combover of Milwaukee’s ridiculous player/coach Mike Dunleavy.
• Member of the original "Pussy Posse" (founded with Fred Roberts & Brad Lohaus).
• Responsible for inspiring successful string of Perm-themed men’s salons.
• Once allowed friendly family of birds to nest in his curly blond locks for entire season.

Career lowlights:

• 1st player to be violently dunked on 7 times in one quarter (Darryl Dawkins 6, Julius Erving 1).
• Signs with Bucks; abruptly switches to "unbalanced state trooper/ serial killer flat-top" look to mesh with diverse Milwaukee crowd.
• Formed short-lived, mildly successful musical duo with Gary Carter known as ”Permfection”.
• Routinely mistaken for star of television smash hit “The Greatest American Hero”.

Interesting life facts:

• Following a hazy late-night championship celebration with the 1979 Sonics, Sikma’s Buick crashed directly into a telephone pole, amazingly leaving the 6’11" Adonis without a scratch. Apparently, his cushiony, defiant blond Perm absorbed the bulk of the impact while each hair on the glorious mop somehow remained in its original place.
• Upon becoming a member of the Bucks, prankster teammates decided to glue a pair of antlers to Sikma’s head while he was napping in the locker after a long fight from Seattle.  Unfortunately, Alvin Robertson used super glue and the antlers remained stuck to his head, forcing him to where them for an entire west coast trip. This is what many say contributed to the introduction of the flagrant foul rule, as Sikma did not change his style in the paint, and aggressively used the antlers to his advantage.

By: M. Noonan

College football analyst Lee Corso, feeling a bit insignificant in the midst of March Madness, challenged Digger Phelps to the first-ever duel involving a pencil and a hi-lighter.

Corso, flanked by uncanny assmagnet Kirk Herbstreit and the musk-voiced Craig Fowler, laid down the gauntlet two days after the NCAA Tournament seedings were released when he charged into ESPN studios, screaming for “that big fat Digger.”

Phelps, who was sitting in seclusion in preparation for an upcoming broadcast, emerged calmly from his training pod and approached Corso in front of the SportsCenter desk.

Fowler stood to the side and attempted to bowl Phelps over with a mighty bellow but the former Notre Dame coach was not fazed, causing Fowler to go into an uncontrollable cough.  Herbstriet then tried to melt Digger with his eyes, but Phelps merely waved his hand. Herbstriet stood in disbelief, squeezing a football tightly between his hands.

Corso, who one intern described as hyper “as a hedgehog hopped up on meth,” pushed forward with a photocopy of a 2007 NCAA bracket held in front of him.  He then placed white fencing gloves on his hands, whipped out his familiar No. 2 pencil and tore the bracket to pieces, muttering something like “tournaments are for the weak.”

This immediately sent Jay Bilas into a tizzy.  The former Duke goofball screamed from his seat, telling Corso to “take a hike, ya muppet.” Meanwhile, Reece Davissat smiling and clapping and smiling.

Digger calmed both of them with his steely gaze and – like Luke in Jedi – unveiled a newly colored hi-lighter, one that only a Master NCAA Bracketologist could wield.

“Oh baby, you’re mine. That puny hi-lighter is nothing, baby!” Corso yapped before charging at Phelps.

Digger stood in silence and as Corso’s leaden blade was one inch from Digger’s neck, he spun out of the way, swung his new “electric mustard” hi-lighter behind him, lopping off a handful of Corso’s dirty mop hair.

A haunting silence filled the ESPN studios.  Reece Davis stopped smiling.  Fowler vomited on the floor and Herbstriet popped the football between his hands.

Digger picked up Corso’s chopped-off hair and handed it back to him.  Corso, now weeping uncontrollably, accepted the hair in both hands and left the studio with his football crew.

Digger sat next to Bilas, who was covering his eyes with his hands, shrugged, and said “March Madness.  It’ll get the best of us.  Now let’s make a show.”

Keith Hernandez

Height: Short but lavish

Weight: Strong enough to put the Mets on his back

Hair: Groundbreaking

Teams: Cardinals, Mets

Stats: Undefinable on a piece of paper

Responsible for giving inspirational locker room speeches and known for sporting one of the grittiest gamefaces we’ve seen to date, this mustache was the first irreplaceable non-human game changer. Whether it be intercepting steal signs from opposing teams, or sheer intimidation through it’s glistening, magical presence, Keith’s manstache brought a unique intangible to the table that only magnified what Hernandez himself brought to the game. After Keith retired, the resilient mustache went on to play three more productive years (sans Keith) in the Mexican league. Much to the dismay of countless baseball fans across the country, a Subway Mustache Series between Hernandez and Don Mattingly never came to fruition.

Comparable athlete in another sport: Larry Bird’s mullet, Sam Elliot’s mustache

Career highlights:

• Spent three consecutive weeks at the Playboy mansion with Keith and Rollie Fingers’ mustache
• Threw the first punch in the spring training Strawberry fight of ’89
• Ran circles around Jeff Bagwell’s goatee in the Facial Hair All-Star Olympics
• Had a brief fling with Cheryl Tiegs in 1982
• Legendary showdown with Dale Earnhardt’s mustache is still, to this day, the biggest money-maker in Pay-Per-View history
• To this day, simply refuses to go gray

Career lowlights:

• Being caught on tape with tobacco stuck in-between whiskers #1,322 and 1,323
• Verbally abusing and taunting Cardinals fans upon triumphant return to St. Louis

Interesting life facts:

• Ray Knight never once looked directly at it, for fear that it would stray him from Christianity
• Beat Sal Fasano in a pizza eating contest
• Fathered WWF’s Jimmy Hart
• Boned Elaine from Seinfeld and then porked every female at NBC studios; Jerry  Seinfeld is still jealous
• Introduced Axl Rose to Stephanie Seymour

(AP) EAST DOUCHEWICK, CT – In a long overdue move, ESPN has finally unveiled their latest channel: ESPNd "The Douche", which will handle the overflow of coverage on the biggest douchebags in sports that ESPN, ESPN2 and ESPN News simply doesn’t have enough time for.

The new channel will have 24 hour coverage of Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant, Roger Clemens and Terrell Owens, but will also find time for some lesser known, up and coming douchebags like AJ Pierzniski and Ben Roethlesburger. The channel will also feature a DoucheTicker that will keep people up to date on the latest news of their favorite assbags.

"We’re estatic" gushed ESPN prez George Bodenheimer "This really helps us achieve our goal of just shoving superficial, idiotic stories down peoples throats 24/7, and just ruining sports in general. We couldn’t be happier". Bodenheimer then went on to praise the new lead anchorman of the Douche, Stuart Scott. "Oh man, well, that was just a no-brainer. Who better to be the face of the Douche than arguably the biggest douche in tv history? He’s gonna be fabulous." Bodenheimer added that the 39-year old man-lizard will surely be missed on Sportscenter, but people can always find him on the new DoucheCenter.

Some other programs on The Douche will be nightly ‘Beyond the Douche’ segments, ‘Douchebag Tonight’ and NFL Douchetime, while Around the Horn, Cold Pizza and Dream Job will make a natural transition to the new station.