The Sports Hernia

Griffin, seen here, has always enjoyed grabbing for loose balls

DETROIT – Cadillac debuted its latest foray into the limited edition SUV market – the Eddie Griffin Edition Escalade. Cadillac says the before-mentioned EG Edition Escalade was inspired by randy NBA legend Eddie Griffin, who’s recent run-in with the law has inspired Eddie Griffin Laws in 27 continental states prohibiting motorists from watching pornography while operating a motor vehicle.

Cadillac VP of Special Edition Marketing Chet Dicklitter noted that Griffin’s recent legal troubles (Griffin was recently cited for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated and performing sex on himself while watching pornography) created a niche market for, “Horny alpha males who demand a superior driving and comfort experience. The EG edition gives the driver precision handling, superior response and of course privacy.”

The Escalade EG edition comes fully equipped with the following standard features: Mirrored ceilings, custom tinted windows, new car smell replaced with that “just had sex” smell, surround sound featuring perfectly shaved tweeters, digital satellite feed to the entire Vivid Video catalogue, interior windshield wipers, NASA-designed boner holder™ for “hands free” steering, and cooled seats.

Fully loaded (no pun intended) models will reportedly come complete with chrome plated monogrammed anal beads hung from rearview mirror, GPS system voiced by legend Jenna Jameson, and moan-activated lotion and tissue dispenser.

Griffin seems turned on to have his large fingerprints on nearly every aspect of this project, “I was excited when Cadillac came to me for my input into the design of the vehicle. For instance the cooled seats option was completely my idea cuz (sic) I noticed my undercarriage would get real sweaty on long drives. You know what I’m saying?”

Though rival SUV makers scoffed at Cadillac aligning itself with Mr. Griffin and Vivid Video, it looks like they will be the ones laughing and wanging all the way to the sperm bank. Early indications are that Cadillac will have a hard time keeping the EG editions on the lots. “We test marketed the EG in select cities, and we are getting reports that there is a three week waiting list for test drives,” reports Dinklitter.

BACKWOODS, Ohio – Weeks before ESPN launches its first College GameDay of the season, analyst Kirk Herbstreit was discovered passed out eight miles outside the Ohio State campus, clutching what could be the perfect blue shirt to wear onscreen.  

Herbstreit springs to life, thanks to dazzling new shirt

A pack of rabid thirtysomething women were dispatched to find Herbstreit, the ESPN analyst, former Ohio State quarterback and uncanny assmagnet.  Clad in a dirty wool cloak covered in foliage, a black trucker hat and heavily bearded, Herbstreit would have been stranded and left for dead if not for his piercing blue eyes, police said.

“Another two, three hours, GameDay really would have suffered,” Sergeant Bill Gorski said.  “Luckily these aging sluts locked in on his baby blues like the North Star.”

Herbstreit was apparently locked in his secret underground laboratory somewhere in the backwoods of Ohio, furiously working to concoct a long-sleeve button-down shirt the perfect shade of blue to match his eyes.  Judging from his vitals, doctors said the former QB had gone weeks without food or water, running on nothing but pure desire to get the precise hue.

Renowned scientist and Ohio State Professor Dr. John Whelan said the shirt should be burned immediately, for fear of what it could do in high-definition television.

“If I’m looking at what I think I’m looking at,” Whelan said, wiping sweat from his brow, “this shirt and Kirk’s majestic ocular pigmentation could ignite a fire in the loins of stay-at-home wives equal to an explosion of a nearby supernova.”

After several hours of Arctic Cool Gatorade and old game footage, Herbstreit was nursed back to stable condition and spoke for the first time in nearly 8 months.

“I suffer for my craft,” he muttered weakly.  “Some say ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul.’ In my case, they’re the battering rams to the vagina.”

The stunning Svetlana before taking a liking to Chewy Bars

CHECHNYA — ESPN NBA Draft Guru has filed a lawsuit against a popular Internet mail-order bride company for false advertising.

The 37-year-old Ford has made a name for himself with his dead on predictions, meticulous scouting and top notch insights into NBA-bound college and foreign prospects. Ford began the courtship process on March 23^rd (coinciding with the NCAA Elite after reading a success story during a cross-Atlantic flight to conduct some overseas scouting.

After reading about a number of success stories, Ford decided to give the international match-making service Volgagirl.com a chance. Ford says he was not only lured by the promise of a “subservient wife who has old-school values,” but also by the fact that upon landing in a remote province of Chechnya (to scout grainy videos of an elusive 17-year-old 6-foot 6-inch PG with a wingspan of a seven footer by the name of Vlatin Putchinakazhov) he was able to log onto the company’s Web site and scout out profiles of potential mates.

“I was lured by the promise of soul mates with long legs, soft hands around the glass, great footwork around the kitchen and freakishly strong birthing hips,” explained a dejected Ford from his hotel room in the grand Bahamas Islands – where he is scouting a shoot-first, 19-year-old seven footer that has only been playing basketball for 17 weeks named Aristotle ‘Coco’ Spitjack.

After signing on with an initial signing bonus of 10,000 American dollars Ford was summoned to the company’s corporate headquarters in Albany, N.Y., where he was able to view black-and-white beta cam videos of potential mates. “I was able see how they interacted with each other in various simulated household chores and watch 10 minute interview sessions where they spoke about their hopes, dreams and prominent household skills. Within an hour I was immediately drawn to an 18-year-old blue chipper named Svetlana. She was almost too good to be true. She was 5-foot-11 with long arms that were evident in the video as she demonstrated replacing a florescent light bulb while standing flatfooted,” explained a visibly dejected Ford.

Chad Ford in happier times with two brother-in-laws Boris and Drago

After nearly two days of email and video cam courtship, Ford flew to Slovakia and married his blue chip bride. After a brief honeymoon they flew back to Ford’s home in Virginia to soak up the wedding bliss – or so it seemed. “Within a week all Svetlana did was lie on the couch and watch Dr. Phil, The Home Shopping Club and Telemundo – she doesn’t even speak Spanish. On top of that she went back on her promise to learn how to speak basic English. All she wanted to do was watch television all day and eat my Chewy bars. She was really in my dog house. She didn’t work on developing any of her skills around the house. She really failed to live up to her promise and the lofty expectations that I placed on her. I won’t even go into her lack of aggressiveness in the bedroom. She was disappointingly timid and indifferent in that department.”

Within two months, Ford had seen enough and contacted Volgagirl.com and asked to have them take her back and void the marital contract based on false advertising. Volgagirl.com refused to cooperate with Ford noting the difficulty they had in buying her out of her contract with another foreign matchmaking agency that she had originally signed with as a 14-year-old.

Svetlana has since moved out and began working as a dancer/massage therapist to support herself. Ford meanwhile continues to nurse the wounds of rejection.

As he sat in the hotel lobby (which was hosting the Miss USA Best Legs, Ass and Bikini Championships) all he could do was lament on a missed opportunity, “Listen, for a young guy like me it is not easy to meet women. I mean, I had really high expectations for Svetlana but I guess I am just going to have to keep looking. I have heard there are some really great prospects working for some outfits specializing in women from the Far East.”

SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Retired NBA stiff Shawn Bradley continued to ruffle feathers at his new office job, starting his 3rd fight in two weeks and leaving his superiors with no choice but to suspend him. Sources say the 7’6" cantankerous Mormon, now an Assistant Account Manager at the small ad agency Finklehorns Worldwide, started his latest brawl with Audit Processing Analyst Phil Horningsham, 53, while the two were in the office kitchen.  

The cantankerous Bradley seen here mixing it up in his playing days

“Oh man, it was crazy!” explained 21-year old intern Steve Snowbush. “We were all in the kitchen making our morning coffees.  Phil was getting some milk from the fridge and all the sudden Bradley comes out of nowhere and starts boxing out Phil from the fridge and grabbing his milk. Then he starts yelling at Phil to watch the elbows, pointing right in his face! Next thing you know they’re rolling around on the floor, going at it like two wildcats! It was awesome!”  Two eyewitnesses claimed to have seen Bradley’s away Mavs uniform peaking out from under his work clothes.

Bradley had been temperamental ever since his first week at Finklehorns Worldwide when he was thrashed 11-0 by the stocky, 5’8" Horningsham in a one-on-one Nerf ‘hoop it up’ kitchen tournament.

The outburst should come as no surprise to basketball fans, who saw Bradley’s rapid descent from Mormon missionary at BYU to general asshole in the NBA. Or perhaps that was a positive change.

NEW YORK, NY – A recent study conducted by cable companies revealed that almost 98% of it’s current HDTV customers can’t stand viewing broadcasters such as Dick Stockton, Hubie Brown, Bob Davie, John Madden, Dick Enberg, Joe Buck, John ‘Beaker’ Clayton, and the devastating tandem of Joe ‘Fish-Alien’ Morgan and John ‘Bald Cap’ Miller.

Four key members of the DNSUAC list.

"I’ve been getting calls daily, and it’s been almost non-stop since the beginning of football season," said freelance intern Barry Bugel. "I get callers saying things like ‘I paid six grand for this plasma, please have that tanned-pizza dough looking Dick Enberg wear a mask next time’. And ‘can you at least make Bob Davie wear a hat? His hair looks like silver tinsel hanging from a Christmas tree. And my favorite, ‘can you send Joe Morgan back to the set of E.T.? He’s really freaking me out.’ It’s ridiculous, but after reviewing the tapes, these people do have a reason to gripe."

The rapidly growing issue has forced network players to delicately create a ‘Do Not Show Under Any Circumstances (DNSUAC)’ list and black out the faces of the banned broadcasters where HD is available. Some networks like NBC are taking it a step further. While John Madden’s live voice will still be used, his face will be digitally replaced with, as one producer suggested, ‘a Shadow Stevens or a Mario Lopez’.  Others like ESPN have taken a different approach and have begun slapping ads across the broadcasters faces. Joe Morgan was recently plastered with multiple logos including promotions for Applebee’s shrimp bar and the disgusting brownie campaign by Dominos pizza.

Viewer onslaught has only gotten worse on the web as posters have flooded message boards calling for all HD cameras covering Dick Stockton (affectionately known by bloggers as ‘The Crypt Keeper’ and ‘smoke-hair’) to be stationed a minimum of 30 feet away and equipped with a ‘no-zoom’ lock.  Other posters have asked that Hubie Brown simply stop ‘scaring the crap out of them’, while over 1,100 different posters described John Clayton’s split-screen airtime featured on SportsCenter as ‘fatal’.

Circuit City and Best Buy have acknowledged over 30,000 returns nationwide since the start of pre-season football as well as an 88% increase in full coverage insurance policies since many customers have begun throwing their flat-screens out the window. Industry insiders expect these numbers to balloon as either Joe Morgan or Joe ‘ventriloquist dummy’ Buck will broadcast every single playoff game that is geographically possible.