The Sports Hernia

(MOUNT AIRY LODGE, PA) — Former NBA player and full-time ass melter, Kiki Vandeweghe, released his much hyped and highly anticipated musical debut Tuesday, “I Won’t Play Any D Baby”, immediately becoming the highest selling jazz-flute album ever.

The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”. Read more »

(BARBARO’S APARTMENT, HEAVEN) — The 2008 Kentucky Derby ended in controversial fashion with one horse getting shot and the winning horse not having a clue as to what the fuck he just did.

First, the winning horse, Big Brown, continued galloping after the race was over, declining an interview with NBC and instead aggressively sniffing the pace horse’s face and ass. It was clear Big Brown had no idea what he just accomplished or why some lady riding a horse and looking like Gazoo was chasing him with a black stick and Greg Gumbel’s puffy hair attached to it. We really can’t blame Big Brown for his behavior, partly because that lady seemed a bit too ‘in your face’, but mainly because he is, like Barbaro was last year, a fucking HORSE. Read more »

By: A. Grady, M. Noonan

LAS VEGAS, NV – Kelly Tripucka was escorted out of the Octagon at the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament Friday night for failing a harroid test, just moments before his chest hair was to fight against Danny Schaye’s back hair.

Tripucka’s hairroids scandal throws the Greece bracket of the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament into chaos.

The former NBA player and current New Jersey Nets TV commentator has been fighting hairroid allegations since his early days at Notre Dame and was practically the cover boy of the Hairroid Era in the mid-80s (famously peaking the night he was banned from playing the Los Angeles Lakers after state officials feared his chest hair would ignite in brushfire).

Speculation had cooled off since his retirement but broke out again when his chest hair attacked TV partner Ian Eagle in what seemed like a classic case of hairroid rage. "We were in the booth, just going through our routine," said Eagle, still shaken from the event. "And I mentioned something about Scott Pollard’s new ‘do. Next thing I know this monsoon of hair leaps from Kelly’s shirt and strangles me. That’s all I remember."

Tripucka defiantly entered the UBH Tournament, traditionally held in Greece, and was predictably named the top seed. But now with Tripucka out, the No. 1 seed falls to Jon Runyan and his smothering back hair.  It also opens the door to the feisty Sam Wise-Gamge’s feet hair (a controversial UBH alternate).

Without a doubt, the tournament’s most intriguing participant is former UNC star Dante Calabria, whose basketball career veered tragically off course in 1995 after OD’ing on hairroids at a NBA pre-draft camp.  Calabria had injected himself in a bathroom minutes before taking the court, hoping to wow the scouts with his already impressive man-rug, but ended up scaring the bejeezus out of everyone when he fell to the floor and practically turned into a werewolf.  Embarrassed and blacklisted, Calabria fled the country and was last seen in Italy working as a human buffer for the MF1 Racing Team.

Here are the other seeds:

1. Jon Runyan – back hair, tricep hair

2. Carlos Boozer’s – tightly wound chest hair

3. Dante Calabria – inner thigh hair

4. Rony Seikaly – exploding chest hair

5. Eugene Edgerson – head of hair

6. George the “Animal” Steel – salt & pepper back hair

7. Carl Weathers – greasy, matted chest hair

8. Earthquake – ass hair

9. Danny Schayes – unkempt back hair

10. Joe Torre – nose hair

11. Any member from Oakland A’s 2006 lineup – deadly beards

12. Hillbilly Jim – beard is like the black hole

13. Peja Stojakovic – neck hair

14. Dan Majerle – stomach hair

15. Giant Gonzalez – painted pubes

16. Sam Wise Gamge – Feet hair

BEEFARINO, KY (AP) – The Anaheim Angels’ rambunctious Rally Monkey led a vigil of fellow sports animals outside of Barbaro’s hospital room late Thursday as the Kentucky Derby champ remained in critical condition.

The Monkey rallied a pack of fellow sports animal celebrities including Smarty Jones, Air Bud, a collie named Ricochet from the Outdoor Games, 2006 Best in Show winner Rufus, and that chimp from the movie "Ed" with Matthew LeBlanc.

The Monkey nearly started several fires as he couldn’t keep his candle steady without performing multiple backflips. Emotions began to run high in the waiting room area as Smarty Jones got into it with the horse from Hot to Trot who, although a close friend of Barbaro’s, has never seen eye to eye with Jones and was not on the hospital guest list. As tempers flared, the rally monkey began an impromtu ‘Yankees Suck’ chant uniting the motley group while doctors and nurses looked on with approval.

Several dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, and other neighborhood animals were gathered outside the hospital to wish Barbaro well but were not let inside for fear the large crowd might turn the hospital into a chaotic animal house.

Barbaro remained under observation forcing his handlers to cancel his turn on ESPN’s exhilerating ‘Budweiser Hot Seat’ as well as his exclusive interview with Stephen A Smith.

Additional Reporting by T. Ryan

By: J. Hamel

SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES – In an effort to jumpstart his sagging post Real World/Road Rules challenge career, Mark Long has begun the initial stages of applying for membership in Los Angeles’ notorious street gang – the Crips.

Unavailable for comment at this time, due to the sensitive and secretive nature of the Crips pledging process, we interviewed a member of the RW/RR Challenge All-stars for his take. Though it seems to be a dangerous move for the former RW/RR Challenge livewire, he has the backing of one former cast-mate.

Extreme athlete and no-talent ass-clown, Mark Long

“To be honest, I was there when the idea came to him. We were getting our asses waxed last week for a huge and important appearance I had scheduled at the Manhole Bar and Grill in Encino, when he just blurted out ‘I NEED to be in a gang brah. And my gang name will be Chewie.’ It was a total epiphany (sic.).” explained Steven Hill (RW Las Vegas).

Mr. Long reportedly began the initiation process on or about June 15^th, and nobody is willing to admit if they have seen or heard from the noted cocksman since. Phone calls to Long’s shared studio apartment are met with a taped answering machine message of his signature swagger asking for the ‘dilly yo’ while CrazyTown’s “Butterfly” is being played audibly in the background.