The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”.

Indeed, Kiki has pushed the envelope here, with sales of the record already being banned in virtually every music store in the U.S. as well as iTunes. Sources say there is even word of the “full” album cover circulating on the black market, featuring the bottom half of the original photo, showing Mr. Vandeweghe in all his glory.

Vandeweghe also calls upon some of his longtime NBA cronies for some scintillating guest appearances, including Isiah Thomas on the 12-minute epic “Let Me Bust Your Salary Cap (Luxury Tax)”, a seedy double entendre that builds steam over a chorus of boos, screams and women panting.

Here’s a look at the scintilating track list:

1. Nothin’ But Nylon (Your Panties Better Be…)

2. Let Me Give You a Vande-wedgie

3. Won’t You Feel My Denver Nuggets?

4. I Won’t Play Any D, Baby

5. Don’t Tskitishvili Me

6. So You Know I Scored the Most Points in the Highest Scoring NBA Game of All-Time, Right?

7. Let Me Bust Your Salary Cap (Luxury Tax)

8. How High’s Your Vertical? My Wang Wants to Know…

9. Don’t Be Afraid of My Finger Roll

10. If You Want, I Can Dunk

11. Unconventional 3-point Play

12. I May Not Draft You, But I’ll Give You a Private Workout

First, the winning horse, Big Brown, continued galloping after the race was over, declining an interview with NBC and instead aggressively sniffing the pace horse’s face and ass. It was clear Big Brown had no idea what he just accomplished or why some lady riding a horse and looking like Gazoo was chasing him with a black stick and Greg Gumbel’s puffy hair attached to it. We really can’t blame Big Brown for his behavior, partly because that lady seemed a bit too ‘in your face’, but mainly because he is, like Barbaro was last year, a fucking HORSE.

As for the horse that was shot to death, Eight Belles, he too had no idea what was going on, except for the fact that his toothpick ankles snapped like a twig under the pressure of 2,000 pounds of horse forced to run at light speed while a midget struck its sides with a leather whip.

At the end of the race, the pompous crowd held their collective breathes while Eight Belles (who went from Six Belles to For Whom the Belles Toll) was laying on the track and the proper horse doctors or anyone with a rifle handy, loaded up and put the horse out of its misery.

“Oh gosh, I feel so bad for Eight Belles,” said Penelope Wadsworth, “he really had a bad day and I can’t believe they had to kill him. I mean, what kind of world do we live in where a horse has to be killed on the spot?”

Well Penelope, this happens in horse racing all the time. If you were that concerned for the horse’s well being, you wouldn’t be drinking mint juleps, dressing like an Easter themed clown and trying to point out Nick Lachey in the crowd.

Finally, PETA pointed the finger at Eight Belles’ jockey for the beast’s death, instead of just sticking a finger up its own ass. Forget the horse’s breeders, trainers, fluffers, etc., let’s blame this jockey who likely gets treated like utter shit and whose own livelihood remains solely on winning horse races. Eh, fuck him – let’s concentrate on a dead horse.

LAS VEGAS, NV – Kelly Tripucka was escorted out of the Octagon at the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament Friday night for failing a harroid test, just moments before his chest hair was to fight against Danny Schaye’s back hair.

Tripucka’s hairroids scandal throws the Greece bracket of the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament into chaos.

The former NBA player and current New Jersey Nets TV commentator has been fighting hairroid allegations since his early days at Notre Dame and was practically the cover boy of the Hairroid Era in the mid-80s (famously peaking the night he was banned from playing the Los Angeles Lakers after state officials feared his chest hair would ignite in brushfire).

Speculation had cooled off since his retirement but broke out again when his chest hair attacked TV partner Ian Eagle in what seemed like a classic case of hairroid rage. "We were in the booth, just going through our routine," said Eagle, still shaken from the event. "And I mentioned something about Scott Pollard’s new ‘do. Next thing I know this monsoon of hair leaps from Kelly’s shirt and strangles me. That’s all I remember."

Tripucka defiantly entered the UBH Tournament, traditionally held in Greece, and was predictably named the top seed. But now with Tripucka out, the No. 1 seed falls to Jon Runyan and his smothering back hair.  It also opens the door to the feisty Sam Wise-Gamge’s feet hair (a controversial UBH alternate).

Without a doubt, the tournament’s most intriguing participant is former UNC star Dante Calabria, whose basketball career veered tragically off course in 1995 after OD’ing on hairroids at a NBA pre-draft camp.  Calabria had injected himself in a bathroom minutes before taking the court, hoping to wow the scouts with his already impressive man-rug, but ended up scaring the bejeezus out of everyone when he fell to the floor and practically turned into a werewolf.  Embarrassed and blacklisted, Calabria fled the country and was last seen in Italy working as a human buffer for the MF1 Racing Team.

Here are the other seeds:

1. Jon Runyan – back hair, tricep hair

2. Carlos Boozer’s – tightly wound chest hair

3. Dante Calabria – inner thigh hair

4. Rony Seikaly – exploding chest hair

5. Eugene Edgerson – head of hair

6. George the “Animal” Steel – salt & pepper back hair

7. Carl Weathers – greasy, matted chest hair

8. Earthquake – ass hair

9. Danny Schayes – unkempt back hair

10. Joe Torre – nose hair

11. Any member from Oakland A’s 2006 lineup – deadly beards

12. Hillbilly Jim – beard is like the black hole

13. Peja Stojakovic – neck hair

14. Dan Majerle – stomach hair

15. Giant Gonzalez – painted pubes

16. Sam Wise Gamge – Feet hair

The Monkey rallied a pack of fellow sports animal celebrities including Smarty Jones, Air Bud, a collie named Ricochet from the Outdoor Games, 2006 Best in Show winner Rufus, and that chimp from the movie "Ed" with Matthew LeBlanc.

The Monkey nearly started several fires as he couldn’t keep his candle steady without performing multiple backflips. Emotions began to run high in the waiting room area as Smarty Jones got into it with the horse from Hot to Trot who, although a close friend of Barbaro’s, has never seen eye to eye with Jones and was not on the hospital guest list. As tempers flared, the rally monkey began an impromtu ‘Yankees Suck’ chant uniting the motley group while doctors and nurses looked on with approval.

Several dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, and other neighborhood animals were gathered outside the hospital to wish Barbaro well but were not let inside for fear the large crowd might turn the hospital into a chaotic animal house.

Barbaro remained under observation forcing his handlers to cancel his turn on ESPN’s exhilerating ‘Budweiser Hot Seat’ as well as his exclusive interview with Stephen A Smith.

Additional Reporting by T. Ryan

SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES – In an effort to jumpstart his sagging post Real World/Road Rules challenge career, Mark Long has begun the initial stages of applying for membership in Los Angeles’ notorious street gang – the Crips.

Unavailable for comment at this time, due to the sensitive and secretive nature of the Crips pledging process, we interviewed a member of the RW/RR Challenge All-stars for his take. Though it seems to be a dangerous move for the former RW/RR Challenge livewire, he has the backing of one former cast-mate.

Extreme athlete and no-talent ass-clown, Mark Long

“To be honest, I was there when the idea came to him. We were getting our asses waxed last week for a huge and important appearance I had scheduled at the Manhole Bar and Grill in Encino, when he just blurted out ‘I NEED to be in a gang brah. And my gang name will be Chewie.’ It was a total epiphany (sic.).” explained Steven Hill (RW Las Vegas).

Mr. Long reportedly began the initiation process on or about June 15^th, and nobody is willing to admit if they have seen or heard from the noted cocksman since. Phone calls to Long’s shared studio apartment are met with a taped answering machine message of his signature swagger asking for the ‘dilly yo’ while CrazyTown’s “Butterfly” is being played audibly in the background.