By: B. Weiss

The Premiership’s prolifically annoying Christian Ronaldo has been named Footballer of the Year and Best Young Player, a very honorable double achievement.

As with everything Ronaldo does, he accepted the award with the same grace he shows on the football pitch. When called to the stage to accept his award, he mysteriously tripped and fell right before the stage doing a somersault and three rolls until some steps stopped his fall. There was a collective gasp, as Ronaldo grabbed for his shin and rolled around on the floor, writhing in agony. Fellow striker Wayne Rooney jumped to his feet and immediately berated the suspected culprit, a baffled George Best, calling for a yellow card before eventually head butting him unconscious.

Once it was clear no cards were going to be handed out, Ronaldo sprung to his feet and did a backflip onto the stage, once again odd behavior for someone that was so violently tripped. As he approached the podium, ever so close to his award his coach, Sir Alex Ferguson let out a loud cough, which sent Ronaldo flying off the stage and into the first row of reporters. This surely would produce some sort of penalty.

With no FIFA sanctioned officials in the room, Ronaldo and his teammates had to settle for a no call on this hideous foul. Ronaldo, who can sense the right moment to get up and dust himself off, did so with the dignity that only he can display and gingerly walked onto the stage.

Once Ronaldo accepted the award, he pulled a piece of paper from his coat and launched into an unexpected Oscar-style speech. During this long-winded speech, he thanked all the necessary people, his teammates, Coach Ferguson, the wonderful people of Manchester and of course, the completely blind and inept officials that gave him so many calls. Finally, he thanked a laundry list of actors who helped him craft his trade and to become the amazing performer he is today.

"Most importantly I would like to thank method-actor *Daniel Day Lewis for his inspiring job in ‘My Left Foot,’ which after seeing, I knew I would become the greatest actor the Premiership’s ever seen," he said.

*Day-Lewis put his personal version of "method acting" into full use in 1989 with his performance as Christy Brown in Jim Sheridan‘s ‘My Left Foot’ which won him numerous awards, including the Academy Award for Best Actor. During filming, his eccentricities came to the fore, due to his refusal to break character.

Playing a severely paralyzed character onscreen, offscreen Day-Lewis had to be wheeled around the set in his wheelchair, and crew members would curse at having to lift him over camera and lighting wires, all so that he might gain insight into all aspects of Christy Brown’s life, including the embarrassments. [3] He also broke two ribs during filming from assuming a hunched-over position in his wheelchair for so many weeks. [5]

By: A. Grady

MADRID, SPAIN – In an effort to quell the media storm surrounding his bulging waistline, Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo has hired world-renowned fitness celebrity John Basedow as his personal trainer as he prepares fot his upcoming season with Real Madrid.  Basedow, the futuristic cyborg sent back in time to kick-start the health sensation “Fitness Made Simple” and to generally creep the hell out of America, has agreed to take on Ronaldo, but only after seeing if he was serious about unlocking his potential (and willing to drink the blood of baby kittens).

Ronaldo explains his decision to train with American fitness guru Basedow.

Hernia sources say Ronaldo decided to jump on the American trainer bandwagon after seeing what they did for the German World Cup team and after being called a fat sack of shit by every single soccer fan and reporter on Earth this summer.  While vacationing in America, Ronaldo became intrigued with the infectious Fitness Made Simple jingle he heard on TV, singing it wherever he went.  Soon thereafter he found himself entranced by the charismatic and freakishly chiseled Basedow, whose head outweighs the entire rest of his body.  He personally called Basedow to request his services and within hours the two were headed to Real Madrid training facilities to get started.  Basedow has been attached at Ronaldo’s hip ever since. 

While the early results look positive for Ronaldo, some Madrid officials are concerned about Basdow’s refusal to wear a shirt during practices or even games, while others are just generally freaked out by his constant flexing and robot-swiveling head.