ESPN Finally Unveils New Channel: ESPNd "The Douche"

By: Lex Machopants (July 2006)

(AP) EAST DOUCHEWICK, CT - In a long overdue move, ESPN has finally unveiled their latest channel: ESPNd "The Douche", which will handle the overflow of coverage on the biggest douchebags in sports that ESPN, ESPN2 and ESPN News simply doesn't have enough time for.

The new channel will have 24 hour coverage of Barry Bonds, Kobe Bryant, Roger Clemens and Terrell Owens, but will also find time for some lesser known, up and coming douchebags like AJ Pierzniski and Ben Roethlesburger. The channel will also feature a DoucheTicker that will keep people up to date on the latest news of their favorite assbags.

"We're estatic" gushed ESPN prez George Bodenheimer "This really helps us achieve our goal of just shoving superficial, idiotic stories down peoples throats 24/7, and just ruining sports in general. We couldn't be happier". Bodenheimer then went on to praise the new lead anchorman of the Douche, Stuart Scott. "Oh man, well, that was just a no-brainer. Who better to be the face of the Douche than arguably the biggest douche in tv history? He's gonna be fabulous." Bodenheimer added that the 39-year old man-lizard will surely be missed on Sportscenter, but people can always find him on the new DoucheCenter.

Some other programs on The Douche will be nightly 'Beyond the Douche' segments, 'Douchebag Tonight' and NFL Douchetime, while Around the Horn, Cold Pizza and Dream Job will make a natural transition to the new station.