HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - As the 2006 football season fastly approaches, Hernia sources have scoured the nation flooding each and every training camp pestering any coach, executive, or hot female intern for the latest juice, gossip, and ridiculous tidbits about your favorite teams. Without further ado, it's the Hernia's 1st Annual NFL Preview.
AFC East
New York Jets
NY reporters and fans will have the honor of being in Chud Pennington's presence for one more year. Unfortunately, the pouty little cherub face will likely be holding a trapper keeper on the sideline by week 4.
Good news: Pennington finally grew pubes this off season.
Bad news: Gone is Jason Fabini, and 117 lbs. of back fat.
Buffalo Bills
The franchise turned back the clock and hired 70-something icon Marv Levy. His first order of business was combing the USFL rosters for potential free agents.
Good news: Starting RB Willis McGahee reportedly throws the best parties in the NFL.
Bad news: Starting QB JP Losman’s invites have repeatedly been ‘lost in the mail’.
Miami Dolphins
Nick Saban is the undisputed captain of this ship, and he is looking forward to smooth sailing with first mate Dante Culpepper who proved his sea legs on the healing waters of Lake Minnetonka.
Good news: Jason Taylor’s pending divorce from Zach Thomas’s sister makes the stunningly handsome DE the city of Miami’s most eligible bachelor.
Bad news: His former brother-in-law (painfully awkward), squatty meat puppet Zach Thomas is his primary wingman.
New England
QB Joe Montana is looking to lead his team to the promised land again this season. Though the team may have lost some big time producers on the both sides of the ball, the addition of Martin “Kazoo” Gramatica ensures that team owner Robert Kraft has someone to put on the cover of the media guide.
Good news: Bill Belicheck has signed a deal with Zubaz to bring the elastic waist man-pant-slacks back into NFL vogue.
Bad news: Tully Banta-Cain is not a prominent character in Revenge of the Sith, but in the Pats’ rotation mix at LB.
AFC South
Houston Texans
After wisely passing up on clear No. 1 pick Reggie Bush, firing their GM, and selling former starting RB Dominick Davis’ knees on eBay, it’s all gravy from here on out for the Texans. Expect a collective atomic fart from the offensive line to kill David Carr on the spot and fold the franchise by Week 6.
Good news: David Carr has fired his stylist in favor of famed Hollywood shearer, Jonathan Antin.
Bad news: Texans have sold 6 season ticket plans since drafting Mario Williams.
Indianapolis Colts
Notorious firecracker Tony Dungy attempts to take battle-tested Peyton Manning and the troops back to the championship game for his 25th career ‘championship game appearance ring.’
Good news: Peyton’s acting chops and classy loser role continue to shine in MasterCard’s ‘priceless’ commercials.
Bad news: Peyton Manning may not have recovered from the tombstone pile-driver delivered to him by center Jeff Saturday after Manning threw his O-line under the bus following the AFC Championship loss to Pittsburgh. Worse, Edge took all the ho’s with him to Arizona.
Jacksonville Jaguars
A team of no names on defense and a quarterback that breaks in half every time he takes a snap. If nothing else, Byron Leftwich and fellow gigantic human David Garrard can kick the crap out of any 1-2 QB combo in the league.
Good news: Coach Jack Del Rio and assistant coaches will be using Playstation 2 controllers from the sideline so they can throw last second blocks, when needed, to improve the protection of often-killed QB Byron Leftwich.
Bad news: Fred Taylor is said to be so irate over DeShaun Foster scheduling his first injury for week 3 that he has gone ahead and planned for his groin to fall off on the opening snap in week 1.
Tennessee Titans
Jeff Fisher and his embattled NASCAR mullet/mustache attempt to move on after a messy breakup with long-time mangled mess, Steve McNair.
Good news: Custom playbook made for rookie Vince Young contains only pictures and happy/sad smiley face stickers. Even better, Dale Earnhardt Jr. will be borrowing coach Fisher’s mustache for this Sunday’s Brickyard 500.
Bad News: LenDale White plans to eat RBs Chris Brown and Travis Henry to seal his position as starting running back.
AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers
With Jerome Bettis taking his bus to the NBC food spread, several questions are left unanswered as the 2006 season takes off, the foremost being: Will the Steelers beat their previous record of 673 awkward homo-erotic face-to-face man embraces on the sidelines this year?
Good news: Several couches and Lazy Boys have been freed up in the players lounge due to the departure of Jerome Bettis' gut.
Bad news: Major goof on the equipment staff's decision to store footballs in Ben Roethlisberger's cheeks during the off-season. It's left the quarterback "very puffy" as one unidentified teammate put it, and the chipmunk looking QB lists that - and that alone - as his biggest obstacle to overcome heading into the regular season.
Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals’ figure to get more exposure this year after a great season in ‘05, unfortunately most of that will be on episodes of COPS and Court TV. No truth to the rumor that Doug Leweland has been stationed outside of the Bengals locker room since training camp opened.
Good news: Our country’s painstakingly slow-moving bureaucratic justice system.
Bad news: Several team members have recently tried to steal Chad Johnson’s teeth.
Cleveland Browns
The Browns have fallen apart since assembling a formidable team on Techmo Bowl 15 years ago. Look for them to suck some more.
Good news: Tim Couch, Gerrard Warren and Courtney Brown should come off the cap by 2009.
Bad news: Brave soldier Kellen Winslow hasn't been sent to Iraq yet.
Baltimore Ravens
Ravens coach Brian Billick, the Galileo of NFL offense, continues to orchestrate one of the most exciting passing attacks ever seen by human eyes. Expect new QB Steve McNair to take this offense to a 'Pink Floyd laser light show' level.
Good news: Ravens brass finally gave up on Kyle Boller after realizing 80-yard bombs don't work so well in the Red Zone.
Bad news: They replaced him with a guy has who has more ‘dings’ than a four-time loser junky begging for coffee money outside a methadone clinic.
AFC West
Denver Broncos
Mike Shanahan's arrogance has reached new heights with the naming of Rusty Fantano, a local Denver man whose legs have been amputated, as his new starting RB.
Good news: Shanahan squeaked by Skip Bayless in the "Angry Hawk-face Finals" in the off-season, surely adding to his already terrifying mystique.
Bad news: Jake Plummer's modified nickname of "The Hairy Snake" is Creeping then hell out of everyone.
San Diego Chargers
The Whale's Vagina Chargers rest their hopes on a second year QB whose first name is "Phillip".
Good news: Ownership splurged and purchased windshield wipers for Marty Schottenheimer's obscenely large glasses.
Bad news: Schottenheimer continues to ensure that LaDanian Tomlinson's legs will fall off by Week 9 with an impressive 75 carries per game.
Oakland Raiders
The Raiders continue to construct themselves like a moronic 6th grader picking a team of thugs at recess. Unfortunately referees, strategy and logic have gotten in the way for the past 20 years. Meanwhile, Al Davis' appeal for hits being legal 20 seconds after the play is over is still under review.
Good news: Countless losers outside of Oakland continue to wear your jerseys and paraphernalia in hopes they will be confused for their favorite rapper instead of the guy who still lives with his mom, eating Funyons and watching excessive amounts of ‘Blind Date’ every day.
Bad news: See 'Good News'.
Kansas City Cheifs
Self-aggrandizing jackass Herm Edwards gets a new batch of reporters to have bizarre condescending press conferences with.
Good news: Priest Holmes was cleared on all molestation charges from a former Chiefs ball-boy.
Bad news: Already known for his horrendous clock management, look for things to get even worse as it will take till about Week 8 for Edwards to realize he's not in the Eastern Time Zone anymore.
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