FOXBORO, Mass. – In an attempt to dispel concerns about recent missed practices, all-American guy and quarterback of the New England Patriots Tom Brady inadvertently shattered the lives of every reporter in attendance.
Tom Brady: Just your average guy.
The gaggle of television, print and radio reporters stood by in utter confusion, waiting for Brady to further elaborate.
“Guys, it’s just a dead arm, come on,” Brady replied. “Tom Brady gets a dead arm just like everyone else. Just like we all put Diesel jeans on one leg at a time and bang supermodels one at a time. You guys know what I mean.”
“No Tom,” the crowd replied in unison. “We don’t.”
More silence struck until one young, sassy reporter informed the others on just what “banging a supermodel” meant. After hearing the translation, string-haired muppet Dan Shaunessy, there to ask Brady about the Curse of the Bambino, fled the scene in tears.
“Hey where’s Dan going?” Brady asked.
“Probably to his Oldsmobuick, then back to his hag of a wife, then straight to a bottle of Old Grand Dad whiskey until about 5 a.m.,” NESN reporter Shamus Bacne said.
“Women, huh?” Brady said. “See this is exactly what I’m saying. I drink whiskey too. Mostly Crown Royal. And did you say Oldsmobile? I drive a GM product – it’s a custom Hummer, completely outfitted with the Concord’s old interior. C’mon fellas, it’s me, Tom Brady. Joe Six-Pack! Just a regular old guy with an above average build, stunning looks, an uncanny sense of fashion, impeccable timing, a golden arm and such amazing athletic gifts that when I do anything on the field it looks incredibly easy. You know!”
The lives and accomplishments of every single reporter flashed in front of their eyes in just a couple of seconds and Michael Smith of the Boston Globe realized he was suddenly standing in a pool of his own urine.
“Hey Mikey, did you pee yourself?” Brady continued. “Ah shucks, don’t worry about that. Many of the most gorgeous women on the planet have done that just by looking at me. I remember the time I was hanging out with a couple of guys from around my block once. Me, Derek Jeter, Matt Dillon, the King of Jordan, and Dillon saw Angelina Jolie and I swear his brow got moist. We really razzed him about that later on when we were plowing the latest crop of Elite Models.”
Boston Herald intern Dick McNuthin broke out into a nervous laughter until Brady flickered his eyes and the young writer instantly disintegrated.
“Alright, alright,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP said. “Enough of this gloom and doom. I’m going to be alright – because I’m nearly inhuman. Let me buy all you guys some lunch. I know this place that has the best fries. They deep-fry them in fat rendered from endangered Komodo Dragons. It’s delicious.”