ESPN enters Day 4 of 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame show
ESPN analysts say, "there has to be a Super Bowl here sometime soon."
Despite not having a Super Bowl representative from the AFC or NFC determined, ESPN’s Chris Berman and the network’s countless courageous football analysts trudged through Day 4 of their 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame special in Miami, Florida.
Each stooge has been super glued to their stadium outpost guaranteeing that they cover almost every single thing that happens in and around the stadium until the yet to be announced kick-off time, set to take place a little less than two months from this coming Sunday. Given the show’s unusual length, the network has stopped at nothing to ensure talent remains fresh throughout the dread-cast.
Chris "I make Patrick Ewing look dry" Berman has been supplied with an endless array of tacky bright suits that, at his request, have been deep-fried instead of dry-cleaned. Also, since he can only be seen from the waist up, his feet have been soaking in a giant bucket of blue cheese to provide extra comfort. Countdown cohort Tom Jackson has been successfully aided by a large spit-bowl said to be 9 times the size of the standard spit-bowl used by former Heavyweight boxer, George Forman. The other notable and most dramatic wardrobe change so far has been for Steve Young, who has galloped onto the set atop a giant white horse to give his hourly quarterback analysis. Michael Irvin, the bouncy, high-spirited, peppy analyst has surprisingly been the least needy of the crew, with his only request being that his on-set barber tidy up the nearly flawless lines on the side of his head every 16 hours.
Producers have gone to great lengths to make sure fans have been getting their full dose of hell. Chris Berman and the underused Stuart Scott have been doing an unusual and seemingly moronic "split-screen shoutout", where both assclowns synchronously do their trademark "back-back-back-back-back!" and "Boo-yahs,” respectively. Speaking of split-screen airtime, John Clayton missed his third straight joust with archrival Sean Salisbury after producers again mistook him for Stewie, the hilarious baby from Fox’s The Family Guy, and refused to allow him on set.
To round out Day 4, Mike Golic was relieved of his duties for the remaining three months of the broadcast shortly after he morphed into Fozzy Bear during the 23rd hour of a senseless rant — half of which was not even being taped.
Undoubtedly, there will be more to come.