The ESPN Countdown crew, led by the shameful boozebag Chris Berman and a collection of jock-sweaters, took their Favre mancrush to a new level during Sunday’s broadcast. Berman, accompanied by an especially retarded-acting Stuart Scott, opened the show in unusual fashion.
Dressed in French maid outfits, the two poster boys of hell, along with Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski, began taking turns dancing and fondling a grotesquely stained life-size cardboard cutout of Brett Favre, while highlights of the beloved quarterback ran on the flat screen in the background.
“This is the guy we love to love,” Berman said to an audience that was dropping by the millions with each word he squeezed out of his wing-and-cock vacuum of a mouth. “And we’re not afraid to say it. Ever since I caught Stuie and Jaws in their boxers staring at this cutout, we decided to turn it into one big group love session. That love spread from the pre-show meetings to the actual show. As you can tell from this show, we love this guy, just as we really love this cutout,” he said while sliding the back of his hand down the cutout’s left cheek.
Mortensen, standing to the other side of the cutout like a little schoolboy, eased his ear into “Paper Favre’s” mouth and said: “What’s that Brett? You like to eat hamburgers with ketchup and mustard? Well, that’s exactly the way I like to eat them. We’re so much alike!”
Just then, a visibly sauced Jaworski swooped “Paper Favre” out of their grasps and performed what appeared to be a version of the electric slide with it. Scott, who was stone-cold sober, circled around the pair, doing a painfully white jig while giddily yapping “Boo-yah, Boo-yah, Boo-yah.” After a final dip, Jaws raised the ante and most likely ended or furthered his career with ESPN.
“As much as we don’t want Brett to retire, there’d be nothing more pleasing to this guy than if he posed for Playgirl. This cutout has kept us company on many late nights, but nothing would compare to the real thing.”
At the end of Jaworski’s confession a wild chant of “Playgirl! Playgirl!” broke out, forcing producers, while excited about the potential buzz of the segment, to go to a commercial break.