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By T. Ryan
The Arizona Cardinals final home game of the season will most likely be lacking enthusiasm but won't be short on spine tingling chills. Old friend Timm Rosenbach will be making a special appearance at halftime when Arizona brass add the horrible ex-QB to their storied Ring of Embarrassment that encompasses the facade of the upper tier, similar to the Ring of Heroes that normal football franchises have.
The ceremony will include highlights on the jumbotron of Rosenbach’s most improbable interceptions, jaw-dropping red zone gaffes, laughable fumbles and many of the devastating sacks he suffered during his tenure as a Cardinal.
"We thought it would be a nice way to celebrate the continued misery here in Arizona," said the latest incompetent Cardinals executive. "It’s an eclectic group, or maybe it's just a stupid group. I don’t know, but Seeing Timmy’s name next to Joe Bugel, Randall Hill and Kent Graham will be quite a moment for us personally as well as the thousands roasting in attendance. Ring of Heroes? I think not. What’s a hero anyway?"
In town for the festivities are former Cardinals and Ring of Embarrassment hopefuls Steve Beuerlein, Stan Gelbaugh, Chris Chandler, Terrence Flagler and Denny Green along with RoE mainstays Bugel, Hill and Graham.
Oddly enough, Rosenbach is also set to enter Washington State University’s Hall of QB Jokes this fall too, joining fellow legends Mark Rypien and Ryan Leaf.
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HERNIA HEADQUARTERS - As the 2007 football season fastly approaches, Hernia sources have again scoured the nation flooding each and every training camp pestering any coach, executive, or hot female intern for the latest juice, gossip, and ridiculous tidbits about your favorite teams. Without further ado, it's the Hernia's 2nd Annual NFL Preview.
NFC East: Giants | Redskins | Eagles | Cowboys
NFC North: Bears | Packers | Lions | Vikings
NFC South: Falcons | Bucs | Panthers | Saints
NFC West: Cardinals | 49ers | Seahawks | Rams
AFC East: Patriots | Jets | Dolphins | Bills
AFC North: Ravens | Bengals | Browns | Steelers
AFC South: Texans | Jaguars | Colts | Titans
AFC West: Chargers | Broncos | Chiefs | Raiders
Leave comments on The Sports Hernia Blog.
Philadelphia Eagles
You call that a beard Donovan? Baron Davis owns you.
The Eagles defense should be impressive this year with Jevon Kearse and Takeo Spikes in the fold, both poised to tear their ACLs by Week 5. And with every single football preview predicting Reggie Brown to have a breakout season this year, look for him to be absolutely awful and suffer a gruesome injury by October.
Good news: Most 30-year old QBs who rely on their elusiveness, coming off two consecutive years of suffering a sports hernia (YES!) and torn ACL, rebound to be better than ever…ehhh..uhh
Bad news: Donovan McNabb’s beard, which used to look like a raging bee’s nest, now looks like unimpressive stubble after Baron Davis viciously unleashed his beard on the sports world.
The Hernia's 2nd Annual NFL Preview Continued...
By A. Grady
ChiefsRule86 and his "Fortress of Nerditude"
(BRISTOL, CONN) — Kansas City Chiefs message board regular Neil Boninghouse (aka "ChiefsRule86") believes its only a matter of time before ESPN execs recognize his awesome sports knowledge and glorious writing skills and make him a regular columnist on ESPN.com, the world-wide leader in douchebags.
Despite writing the majority of his commentary naked in his parents basement between furious masturbation sessions to "BangBus.com" trailers, ChiefsRule86 provides an insightful, while altogether unique voice, especially when he routinely dishes out his trademark zinger "Trent Green RULES!", a real treat for those lucky enough to be on the board at the same time. It's insightful, witty commentary like that which has no doubt raised a few eyebrows in Bristol.
During a recent heated discussion on the Kansas City message board about the future of Trent Green, ChiefsRule86 dropped this truth bomb: "All I know is, the Chiefs better know what they're doing if they release or trade Trent Green. They could be in real trouble if they don't have another QB ready. They should trade Eddie Kennison for Drew Brees or something. Thank god Larry Johnson RULES."
That mind-blowing declaration sent shockwaves throughout Kansas City and the Chiefs front offices, and left NFL gurus like John Clayton and Chris Mortenson shaking their heads in awe.
But it's not just the big boys at Bristol who are impressed with Boninghouse. His fellow message board writers have a deep respect for him, constantly showing their approval of his commentary with thumbs up symbols, enthusiastic happy face emoticons and the occasional flash-loop of a storm trooper humping the air over and over again, the highest of honors.
"I swear, Boninghouse must eat sports almanacs sprinkled with milk of magnesia" says Paul Beaverham (aka—"RamsSuck83") "because he can just throw up these 50,000 word rants ad nauseum. It's awesome."
Not to be outdone, message board newcomer and bitter rival "ChiefsDefinitelyRule84" has displayed sure talent, clearly evidenced in his recent post "Herm Edwards needs to coach better", a stunning departure from ChiefsRule86's theory that "Herm Edwards kicks serious ass."
Only time will tell who will get their hands on ChiefsRule86's brilliant football mind first, ESPN or the Chiefs themselves.
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By T. Ryan
The titillating Brett Favre.
The ESPN Countdown crew, led by the shameful boozebag Chris Berman and a collection of jock-sweaters, took their Favre mancrush to a new level during Sunday’s broadcast. Berman, accompanied by an especially retarded-acting Stuart Scott, opened the show in unusual fashion.
Dressed in French maid outfits, the two poster boys of hell, along with Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski, began taking turns dancing and fondling a grotesquely stained life-size cardboard cutout of Brett Favre, while highlights of the beloved quarterback ran on the flat screen in the background.
“This is the guy we love to love,” Berman said to an audience that was dropping by the millions with each word he squeezed out of his wing-and-cock vacuum of a mouth. “And we’re not afraid to say it. Ever since I caught Stuie and Jaws in their boxers staring at this cutout, we decided to turn it into one big group love session. That love spread from the pre-show meetings to the actual show. As you can tell from this show, we love this guy, just as we really love this cutout,” he said while sliding the back of his hand down the cutout’s left cheek.
Mortensen, standing to the other side of the cutout like a little schoolboy, eased his ear into “Paper Favre’s” mouth and said: “What’s that Brett? You like to eat hamburgers with ketchup and mustard? Well, that’s exactly the way I like to eat them. We’re so much alike!”
Just then, a visibly sauced Jaworski swooped “Paper Favre” out of their grasps and performed what appeared to be a version of the electric slide with it. Scott, who was stone-cold sober, circled around the pair, doing a painfully white jig while giddily yapping “Boo-yah, Boo-yah, Boo-yah.” After a final dip, Jaws raised the ante and most likely ended or furthered his career with ESPN.
“As much as we don’t want Brett to retire, there’d be nothing more pleasing to this guy than if he posed for Playgirl. This cutout has kept us company on many late nights, but nothing would compare to the real thing.”
At the end of Jaworski’s confession a wild chant of “Playgirl! Playgirl!” broke out, forcing producers, while excited about the potential buzz of the segment, to go to a commercial break.
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By T. Ryan
ESPN analysts say, "there has to be a Super Bowl here sometime soon."
Despite not having a Super Bowl representative from the AFC or NFC determined, ESPN's Chris Berman and the network's countless courageous football analysts trudged through Day 4 of their 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame special in Miami, Florida.
Each stooge has been super glued to their stadium outpost guaranteeing that they cover almost every single thing that happens in and around the stadium until the yet to be announced kick-off time, set to take place a little less than two months from this coming Sunday. Given the show's unusual length, the network has stopped at nothing to ensure talent remains fresh throughout the dread-cast.
Chris "I make Patrick Ewing look dry" Berman has been supplied with an endless array of tacky bright suits that, at his request, have been deep-fried instead of dry-cleaned. Also, since he can only be seen from the waist up, his feet have been soaking in a giant bucket of blue cheese to provide extra comfort. Countdown cohort Tom Jackson has been successfully aided by a large spit-bowl said to be 9 times the size of the standard spit-bowl used by former Heavyweight boxer, George Forman. The other notable and most dramatic wardrobe change so far has been for Steve Young, who has galloped onto the set atop a giant white horse to give his hourly quarterback analysis. Michael Irvin, the bouncy, high-spirited, peppy analyst has surprisingly been the least needy of the crew, with his only request being that his on-set barber tidy up the nearly flawless lines on the side of his head every 16 hours.
Producers have gone to great lengths to make sure fans have been getting their full dose of hell. Chris Berman and the underused Stuart Scott have been doing an unusual and seemingly moronic "split-screen shoutout", where both assclowns synchronously do their trademark "back-back-back-back-back!" and "Boo-yahs,” respectively. Speaking of split-screen airtime, John Clayton missed his third straight joust with archrival Sean Salisbury after producers again mistook him for Stewie, the hilarious baby from Fox's The Family Guy, and refused to allow him on set.
To round out Day 4, Mike Golic was relieved of his duties for the remaining three months of the broadcast shortly after he morphed into Fozzy Bear during the 23rd hour of a senseless rant -- half of which was not even being taped.
Undoubtedly, there will be more to come.
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By: M. Noonan
Brenda Warner, seen here in new wig made of bleached buffalo pubes, scares evil spirits out of Kurt's eyes.
ARIZONA - For many moons the Evil Coyote Spirit has destroyed the crops of the Guhunka tribe of Arizona. Such was the case this past summer into fall, rendering the tribe's yield insufficient.
But hope has come to the Guhunka, thanks to a new addition to the Arizona Cardinals sideline named Brenda Warner, and to the outside-the-box thinking of one loyal tribesman named Red Cloud.
In the middle of a heated brainstorming session about the Coyote, presided over by Chief Preying Wolf, the young tribesman mustered up the courage to speak.
"Chief Preying Wolf, if it is not too presumptuous of me, allow me to make a suggestion," a timid Red Cloud said.
"Speak," replied Preying Wolf.
"My cousin Larry told of a great temple where the white man throws around the hide of a grown pig, in great combat against foes," Red Cloud said. "As the story goes, on the 7th day the sun rises, inside of this temple sits a curious yet powerful figure in prime 50-yard-line seats."
"You've got my ear," replied Wolf.
"The figure is called She Who Lays With QB Who Looks Like Her. It is said that she brings great and frightening power. It is said that she warded off all that was impure in the Lands of the Underarea."
"You mean Amsterdam?"
"Yes. That place," Cloud replied. "It is even said that she is more powerful and more frightening than the Great She-Devil Carcass that scared away Vulture Spirit from our neighboring Kehoonaka tribe."
"Impressive," the chief said. "Very well. So, with the smashing of this ceremonial eagle egg, it is decided that we will summon She Who Somehow Now Has Blond Hair And Lays With QB Who Also Happens to Look Like Her But Only Many Moons Younger.''
And so Brenda Warner was summoned. The over-under on when she will try to convert the tribesmen to Christianity is 4 minutes.
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Redskins savior, Tom Cruise.
by Hernia Staff
Daniel M. Snyder and his investor group took the obvious and logical step of signing Tom Cruise to a two-year deal, days after the centaur-chested actor was dropped from Paramount pictures.
Hernia sources learned a glib Snyder, blown away by Cruise's near-perfect moves in 1983's "All the Right Moves," signed the midget sparkplug to a 2-year deal as a player/team exec that gives him 'creative control' on all football matters.
According to reports, the always eager Cruise immediately reported to the Washington Redskins training camp facilities, thanks to a midnight flight piloted by John Travolta.
Under terms of the deal, the deluded spitfire will see significant playing time at QB, cornerback, running back and punt returner, and has requested 5 minutes during every halftime to give the team an emotional speech. Redskins fans can also expect endzone celebrations to feature couches, a shrine to Xenu and just complete and utter freakouts.
Cruise's infectious positivity has caught on like cosmic solar flares in the locker room. Half the team is already off Ritalin, heroin, postpartum depression medication and old Brooke Shields' movies, while offensive lineman Jon Jansen has grown 4 inches since T.C. helped him kick Mountain Dew. The newfound attitude is most apparent in Clinton Portis, the injured star running back who can now been seen in the hallways regularly cocking his head back and laughing maniacally.
Players union head, Gene Upshaw said he was pleased with the signing, saying that it could help the cause for guaranteed contracts since many Thetans are impervious to injuries or illnesses.
Other changes the Cruise Missle has instituted include:
- Outside of the helmets will feature feathered hair for a sheek, hipper look
- Half the games to be played in slo-motion, for effect
- Playbook replaced with Dianetics
- Danny Masterson to spin at team functions
- Fat chick from "King of Queens" to eat Nathan's hot dogs in-between quarters
- Drunk tanks replaced with recruitment centers
- Signing of hipster/slacker Beck as WR
- QB Jason Campbell promoted to starter because of his grasp of the intricacies of Al Saunders' offense and his recent ascension to Thetan IV
- Beer at stadium replaced with barley water
- FedEx Field renamed Battlefield Earth
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By: T. Ryan
BRISTOL, CT – ESPN brass held their breath this past Sunday afternoon after the overwhelming weight of NFL Countdown’s 14 analysts caused the panel to collapse through the floor, crashing directly into a Cold Pizza walkthrough. Hosts Chris Berman, Stuart Scott, and Trey Wingo, along with analysts Tom Jackson, Steve Young, Michael Irvin, Ron Jaworski, Chris Mortenson, Sean Salisbury, Mike Golic, Mark Schlereth, Eric Allen, John Clayton and Merril Hoge (left without a seat) had been debating over who would be participating in an exciting 3-on-3 “loose ball fumble” simulation set to take place on the plastic, ultra-realistic, 5’ x 8’ studio football field during the next segment.
Ron Jaworski (seated third from right) was the first analyst to sense the floor buckling.
“It all started when Schlereth only offered Golic two and a half feet of his six foot 'party hero', you could just feel the tension. Then Golic really lost it when he found out Schlereth would be manning the one-man offensive line for Steve in the fumble segment,” explained John Clayton, who had a giant bandage wrapped around his forehead. “He reached over Trey to grab at Mark and all of the sudden Jaworski screamed that he heard a crack, and then I noticed the desk was starting to cave in. I think I blacked out after that. When I came to, I was one floor lower and trapped under the Cold Pizza couch with Mort and Woody Paige. An awful day to say the least.”
Adding insult to injury, Countdown producer Darren Cartwright, in a state of shock, neglected to send it to commercial break, giving viewers live footage of the hilarious scene. Stuart Scott and Cold Pizza’s angry hawk, Skip Bayless, were seen getting into a shoving match over whose suit had brighter pinstripes, while Jaworkski and Wingo fled the disastrous scene eventually finding cover in Woody Paige’s deluxe tanning bed. In another corner, apparently unaware cameras were still rolling, Salisbury cornered Clayton and proceeded to give him an atomic wedgie while repeatedly referring to him as ‘McFly’ and claiming he ‘missed a spot’ on his car. Sensing desperation, a production assistant on set rushed to an unconscious Chris Berman but failed in his attempt to wake him with smelling salts. In a last ditch effort, the assistant ran to the food spread, filled a pint glass with blue cheese and held it under Berman’s nose as he awoke within seconds, finally sending the show to commercial break.
Several employees remained on set, some assisting with the clean-up while others quietly chuckled in small groups, rehashing the events that just occurred. According to studio engineer and soon to be fired, Jerry Lemmons, the writing was on the wall. “I knew this was going to happen, and I tried to warn them. It’s a logistical nightmare,” he said. “Any time you’re putting the weight equivalent of six elephants on a studio stage, it’s bound to end badly. I mean, their suits alone weigh 1,000 pounds.”
ESPN spokesman Cleveland Garystein declined comment on this story.
Additional reporting by J.Hamel
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By: M. Noonan
FOXBORO, Mass. – In an attempt to dispel concerns about recent missed practices, all-American guy and quarterback of the New England Patriots Tom Brady inadvertently shattered the lives of every reporter in attendance.
Tom Brady: Just your average guy.
The gaggle of television, print and radio reporters stood by in utter confusion, waiting for Brady to further elaborate.
“Guys, it’s just a dead arm, come on,” Brady replied. “Tom Brady gets a dead arm just like everyone else. Just like we all put Diesel jeans on one leg at a time and bang supermodels one at a time. You guys know what I mean.”
“No Tom,” the crowd replied in unison. “We don’t.”
More silence struck until one young, sassy reporter informed the others on just what “banging a supermodel” meant. After hearing the translation, string-haired muppet Dan Shaunessy, there to ask Brady about the Curse of the Bambino, fled the scene in tears.
“Hey where’s Dan going?” Brady asked.
“Probably to his Oldsmobuick, then back to his hag of a wife, then straight to a bottle of Old Grand Dad whiskey until about 5 a.m.,” NESN reporter Shamus Bacne said.
“Women, huh?” Brady said. “See this is exactly what I’m saying. I drink whiskey too. Mostly Crown Royal. And did you say Oldsmobile? I drive a GM product – it’s a custom Hummer, completely outfitted with the Concord’s old interior. C’mon fellas, it’s me, Tom Brady. Joe Six-Pack! Just a regular old guy with an above average build, stunning looks, an uncanny sense of fashion, impeccable timing, a golden arm and such amazing athletic gifts that when I do anything on the field it looks incredibly easy. You know!”
The lives and accomplishments of every single reporter flashed in front of their eyes in just a couple of seconds and Michael Smith of the Boston Globe realized he was suddenly standing in a pool of his own urine.
“Hey Mikey, did you pee yourself?” Brady continued. “Ah shucks, don’t worry about that. Many of the most gorgeous women on the planet have done that just by looking at me. I remember the time I was hanging out with a couple of guys from around my block once. Me, Derek Jeter, Matt Dillon, the King of Jordan, and Dillon saw Angelina Jolie and I swear his brow got moist. We really razzed him about that later on when we were plowing the latest crop of Elite Models.”
Boston Herald intern Dick McNuthin broke out into a nervous laughter until Brady flickered his eyes and the young writer instantly disintegrated.
“Alright, alright,” the two-time Super Bowl MVP said. “Enough of this gloom and doom. I’m going to be alright - because I’m nearly inhuman. Let me buy all you guys some lunch. I know this place that has the best fries. They deep-fry them in fat rendered from endangered Komodo Dragons. It’s delicious.”
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Stunning insight from husky broadcaster ends fan confusion
By: A. Grady
PHILADELPHIA - In one of the most shockingly precise sports commentaries ever uttered, ESPN NFL announcer Paul McGuire pointed out that Eagles offensive lineman, Jon Runyan, was 'a football player', immediately blowing the minds of every single person watching the broadcast. The amazingly perceptive comment ended mass fan confusion and will likely result in multiple Emmys for the former punter turned announcer.
McGuire was calling the Eagles-Cowboys pre-season game on ESPNd "The Douche" when the camera started to focus on a sweaty and dirty Runyan sitting on the bench. Seemingly out of nowhere, McGuire unveiled his masterpiece.
"You see that guy, THAT GUY, is a football player."
Broadcast partner Mike Tirico's head immediately exploded upon hearing the words, while an unfazed McGuire kept going, knowing full well he had stumbled upon something massive.
"That guy came to play football. He's a football player. That's what he is. He didn't come out here and try to play tennis or golf or Parcheesi, ‘cause that would be a mistake. This is a football game, and you need football players to play football. You can't win NFL football games with a bunch of guys out on the field trying to play tether ball. The guy's a football player."
Within minutes, the shockwaves could be felt throughout the entire sports world and fans everywhere were eternally grateful for the clarification.
"I can't believe it, this is amazing." said Eagles fan Barry Dunkleworth. "I couldn't figure out what that dude was doing out on the field, I actually thought it was that famous volleyball guy Karch Kiray for a second, and then McGuire just dropped some serious knowledge on me."
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(AP) HEAVEN – In a long overdue move, Jesus has finally parted ways with his longtime fantasy football QB Kurt Warner. The shocking news was revealed when Jesus e-mailed in his 3 “keepers" to the rest of his league (High Rollers and O.G’s on CBS Sportsline) and the former grocery-
bagger-turned-arena-league-QB-
turned-spiritual-Superbowl MVP-
turned-crappy-has-been wasn’t on the list.
Jesus sheepishly poses with longtime fantasy QB, Kurt Warner, who hasn't heard the news about being dropped from the squad.
The move comes on the heels of a horrendous 5-year run in which Jesus finished in last place in each of those seasons. Once a feared fantasy football god, Jesus has fallen on hard times lately with his stubborn refusal to let go some of his favorite players. Fantasy football analyst and gigantic nerd, Marty Fishsticks, explains: "He had a nice run about 5 years ago when Warner was at his zenith, but let's face it he's been AWFUL of late. I mean, he just gave away Dante Culpepper last year after the sex boat scandal, and the fact that he still keeps Reggie White on his roster…while it was a nice sentimental move that first year, it's really hurting his roster flexibility."
Reigning league champ Satan, hopes the trend continues. While he hit a rough patch several years back with busts like Ray Carruth and Lawrence Phillips, the tides have certainly changed. "I love it!” gushed the Prince of Darkness, “Who are we kidding here, over the past few years alone, I've picked up Randy Moss, Jamal Lewis, Ray Lewis, all by either trading or picking them up off waivers from J.C, it's laughable!!" Satan then proceeded to queue up the entire Bengals team on his draft board.
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