Paul McGuire Points Out Man On Field Is ‘A Football Player’

Stunning insight from husky broadcaster ends fan confusion

By: A. Grady

PHILADELPHIA - In one of the most shockingly precise sports commentaries ever uttered, ESPN NFL announcer Paul McGuire pointed out that Eagles offensive lineman, Jon Runyan, was 'a football player', immediately blowing the minds of every single person watching the broadcast. The amazingly perceptive comment ended mass fan confusion and will likely result in multiple Emmys for the former punter turned announcer.

McGuire was calling the Eagles-Cowboys pre-season game on ESPNd "The Douche" when the camera started to focus on a sweaty and dirty Runyan sitting on the bench. Seemingly out of nowhere, McGuire unveiled his masterpiece.

"You see that guy, THAT GUY, is a football player."

Broadcast partner Mike Tirico's head immediately exploded upon hearing the words, while an unfazed McGuire kept going, knowing full well he had stumbled upon something massive.

"That guy came to play football. He's a football player.  That's what he is. He didn't come out here and try to play tennis or golf or Parcheesi, ‘cause that would be a mistake. This is a football game, and you need football players to play football. You can't win NFL football games with a bunch of guys out on the field trying to play tether ball. The guy's a football player."

Within minutes, the shockwaves could be felt throughout the entire sports world and fans everywhere were eternally grateful for the clarification.

"I can't believe it, this is amazing." said Eagles fan Barry Dunkleworth. "I couldn't figure out what that dude was doing out on the field, I actually thought it was that famous volleyball guy Karch Kiray for a second, and then McGuire just dropped some serious knowledge on me."