HERNIA HEADQUARTERS – As the 2007 football season fastly approaches, Hernia sources have again scoured the nation flooding each and every training camp pestering any coach, executive, or hot female intern for the latest juice, gossip, and ridiculous tidbits about your favorite teams. Without further ado, it’s the Hernia’s 2nd Annual NFL Preview.
New York Giants
Raging pterodactyl Tom Coughlin amazingly returns for yet another season, even after the entire roster took turns throwing him under the bus last year (more times than not, a Girls Gone Wild bus driven by Jeremy Shockey). Tiki Barber has retired, leaving behind a gaping hole in the running back, blinding teeth and awkward ass slapping categories.
Good news: While Barber may be gone, it’s always a positive sign when your new starting running back, Brandon Jacobs, uses 45-pound weight as a breath mint and runs a 4.4.
Bad news: Eli Manning continues to have the body language of a gawky teenage girl about to get clotheslined by Magnus Van Magnerson. Even worse, his hair still looks like his mom combed it right before he ran outside to catch the bus.
Jezuz, this team sucks. And frankly, it’s time to change the Redskins name. If they refuse, shouldn’t the league at least call the next expansion team “the Honkeybacks” or something? Just to even things out? Have the mascot be Clark Griswald, riding around the field in the family truckster.
Good news: The 2008 draft coverage should start in about a week.
Bad news: Those rumors of a Tom Cruise ownership bid never transpired, depriving the SportsHernia an endless supply of material. Even worse, Daniel Snyder has resorted to dumping large buckets of money out the window instead of going through the mundane legal mumbo-jumbo of writing contracts.
You call that a beard Donovan? Baron Davis owns you.
The Eagles defense should be impressive this year with Jevon Kearse and Takeo Spikes in the fold, both poised to tear their ACLs by Week 5. And with every single football preview predicting Reggie Brown to have a breakout season this year, look for him to be absolutely awful and suffer a gruesome injury by October.
Good news: Most 30-year old QBs who rely on their elusiveness, coming off two consecutive years of suffering a sports hernia (YES!) and torn ACL, rebound to be better than ever…ehhh..uhh
Bad news: Donovan McNabb’s beard, which used to look like a raging bee’s nest, now looks like unimpressive stubble after Baron Davis viciously unleashed his beard on the sports world.
Look for the Cowboys to be on national television every f’ing week even though they haven’t done sh*t in a decade. Also look for this writer to kill himself by Week 4.
Good news: Did you know Jason Garret is the new offensive coordinator? Hey, he went to Princeton! Did you know that?! Oh, OK. Well you can look forward to an absolute flood of idiot announcers bringing this up 57 times a game and treating us to witty banter like “Jason Garret is a Princeton graduate…. Hey, you think that guy’s pretty smart?!? Hey Bill, what you get on your SATs? I think I got my shoe size!!” Just kill me…
Bad news: Terrell Owens still exists.
The Bears are a lock to win the North, so long as their locker room doesn’t explode from Italian beef farts coming out of the likes of Olin Kreutz, Brian Urlacher and John Tait. If Tank Johnson plays this year, the Bears are hoping he brings an arsenal of moves that rivals his personal arsenal of assault weapons. Chicago also drafted Greg Olsen, who could become the prototypical Miami TE: highly talented and extremely retarded. But will he opt for patriotic tattoos and skanks, or poorly timed military analogies and motorcycle wheelies?
Good news: Tommie Harris’s after-sack dances. The guy has more moves than a bowl of full of jell-o being eaten by King Kong Bundy in a demolition derby in Japan during an earthquake.
Bad news: Now that they no longer have Thomas Jones, the Bears will learn this year that it takes at least two decent running backs to even have a chance of neutralizing the shittiness of Rex Grossman.
Green Bay Packers
Sonofabitch, why couldn’t have Favre retired? Just so that we wouldn’t hear any more speculation on whether he’d be back next season, when or if a new QB will see snaps, how gray his hair his, how strong his arm still is, how much he still loves the game and how erect Berman’s boner still is for him.
Good news: The good news is for Aaron Rodgers, since he gets another year to be lazy or party it up or do whatever he likes and have no one judge him for it. He probably has the best job in the NFL.
Bad news: The bad news is for Aaron Rodgers, since he will soon actually have to prove himself to rabid Cheeseheads. We’ve seen those people face-to-face and they are vicious and stinky.
Uh, can someone unfreeze William Clay Ford… like now?
This team has more receivers than Radio Shack, more hopeful catchers than those retards in McCovey Cove. But instead of a juiced-up Bonds, they have the equivalent of a Neifi Perez trying to reach them. Look for the Lion’s to somehow unfreeze William Clay Ford from his Hans Solo carbon chamber and finally fire Millen. That’s doubtful actually, look for another improbable contract extension for Matty, and disgusting burger bits in his mustache to go with it.
Good news: Lions picked up free agent T.J. Duckett in the off-season. Expect the classy Detroit crowd to cheer “Duckett or Fuck it” in goal line situations.
Bad news: The coaching staff will undoubtedly suffer watching game films late at night, since they lost their key naked Wendy’s drive-thru go-to guy.
If you have to ask who is behind center for the Vikings this year, well, pat yourself on the back because you are totally normal. Tavaris Jackson will be taking snaps with Brooks Bollinger likely to be getting pummeled a few games.
Good news: While they do play the Chargers this year, the Vikings play in the NFC North and their joke-of-a-schedule includes games against Green Bay, Detroit, Oakland, Wichita St., the Waco Texas Motherships and the Colorado St. PunterStabbers.
Bad News: Where my Whizzanators at?
Nobody brings more phony leadership skills to the game than Joey Harrington, dazzling the audience with and array of over-eager fist pumps, mad dashes to touchdown celebrations, awkward ass slaps to teammates and painfully forced dialogue for NFL Films and Inside the NFL cameras to catch. Expect every goddamn announcer to babble on and on about how he’s grown and matured from his experience in Detroit. Then expect him to promptly throw an INT right into the chest of a giddy linebacker.
Good news: Now that I’ve viciously attacked Joey Harrington, he will go on to have a Pro-Bowl year.
Bad news: Every teammate that vehemently defended Vick’s innocence looks like a giant jackass now. Actually, put this under ‘good news’.
Tampa Bay Bucs
Coach Jon Gruden is banking on Jeff Garcia being his new Rich Gannon, so hopefully Tony Siragusa will decide not to completely flatten him as well. On the bright side, the pirate ship in the stadium is set to take sail as soon as Tiki and Ronde show up on the sideline for a Good Morning America segment wearing matching ass-less overalls.
Good news: It’s sunny in Tampa. Even better, the Devil Rays play there too.
Bad news: David Boston and his daily changing eye color are expected to be as productive as he’s been the last three seasons. Even worse, with Chris Simms now third on the QB depth chart, expect Phil Simms to storm the practice facility only to be greeted by Jon Gruden and one his devastating ram-man headbutts.
Have no fear Carolina fans, DeShaun Foster doesn’t look like this… yet.
With Jake Delhomme suddenly playing with the savvy of a drunk fan in an impromptu tail-gaiting game, the Panthers are clearly poised for great things. Soon to be starter David Carr will inspire more optimism if he doesn’t have the poise of a squirrel on crystal meth after the beatdown he took in Houston.
Good news: DeShaun Foster isn’t wearing a full body cast yet.
Bad news: That gay panther growl they play on the PA after a big defensive play, extra points, the coin toss, substitutions, and every single play for that matter, is still very present at Panther home games. Even worse, the fans think it’s cool.
New Orleans Saints
The Saints return in 2007 with most of their key players from last year, with the departure of crazy Joe Horn strictly a loss in entertainment value. The fact that he signed with the Falcons before the Vick mess should make for an interesting train wreck over there. Look for a breakout year from Reggie Bush as long as someone can yank his head away from Kim Kardashian’s cartoonish ass for a few minutes to focus.
Good news: The backfield still consists of guys named Duece and Bush.
Bad news: Judging from the luggage under Sean Payton eyes, the chances of him not burning out, growing a ridiculous beard and moving to Fiji by 2009 are slim.
Poor Denny Green has been showing up to Cardinals camp dressed like this.
Not a whole lot to be excited about if you’re a Cardinals fan (and that’s a huge if). Yes, they have more talent than they’ve had in years and yes, they finally have a quarterback but they are still the Cardinals and the Cardinals always suck. You could put a Pro Bowl roster together and simply place Cardinal helmets on their heads and call them the Cardinals and they wouldn’t even sniff the Wildcard. They always suck, so stop arguing with the screen, you look ridiculous.
Good news: Matt Leinart continues to read Playboy inside his bible during Kurt Warner’s lengthy morning religion discussions. Even better, Leinart’s neatly trimmed half-beard and off the field discipline have drawn rave reviews from teammates, coaches and whores..
Bad news: Edgerrin James has not been seen since he began fake boob rock climbing on the ASU campus to improve his grip on the ball and decrease fumbling. Even worse, a very confused Dennis Green routinely shows up to the Cardinals practice facility with a clipboard and wearing Vikings apparel.
San Francisco 49ers
Feisty coach Mike Nolan returns in 2007 with almost all of his starters, some key free agent additions and a gigantic steel billy club for anyone who has difficulty listening. Expect a big year from Vernon Davis who, aside from Ed Hochuli, might be the most feared physical specimen to tackle among defensive backs.
Good news: This was the first off-season where the contract of retired tight end Brent Jones did not count against the salary cap. Even better, if the Niners win the division Nolan has agreed to smirk for a second.
Bad news: Jerry Rice’s bizarre mid-life crisis appears to have no end as he was last seen partying at Hyde in L.A. with Scott Baio, Drew Lachey, and a ‘Joe’ from SpikeTV’s “Pro’s vs. Joe’s.” Even worse, the Dennis Erickson portrait at the Niner’s practice facility has yet to be removed and still has a pee stain on it.
The Seahawks return with an aging team most likely on the decline and a coach coming close to completing his transformation into a giant walrus. Expect Holmgren to flop into the Pacific by Week 10 and for the entire Red Bull-infused Seahawk fanbase to not even notice.
Good news: With the retirement of Tiki Barber, Shaun Alexander is now clearly the most effeminate running back in the NFL. Even better, his teeth are now professionally whitened on a weekly basis.
Bad news: They parted ways with Jerramy Stevens in favor of a 35-year old tight end who had 12 catches last year. Even worse, Matt Hasselbeck, in a tribute to middle aged men everywhere, stubbornly refuses to shave the sides of his bald dome.
St. Louis Rams
The Rams figure to be one of the premier offensive teams in the league this year, a remarkable thought considering it’s been two years since likeable genius Mike Martz sadly left St. Louis. Despite Isaac Bruce aging in dog years and a quarterback whose hair looks like a brillo pad, the Rams attack looks dangerous enough to get their fanbase horny.
Good news: With Randy McMichael on board, Joe Klopfsenstein will become the back-up tight end but will continue to have the most ridiculous name on the team. Even better, the whitie void at WR left by Kevin Curtis was immediately filled by Drew Bennett.
Bad news: With the departure of key offensive linemen including Adam Timmerman, enormous pro bowler Orlando Pace will be playing three O-line positions at once, something he hasn’t done since he began eating defensive lineman at Ohio State.
New England Patriots
With a newly chiseled Tom Brady on his backside, Dan Koppen sees no reason not to be bent over and ready.
The Hernia is looking forward to another season of BB world class, head-turning trend-setting style, humble respect for rival coaching staffs, and his legendarily forthcoming post game analysis. If that’s not enough, the Patriots added the text messaging stallion himself, Dante Stallworth.
Good news: Brady spent the off-season in NYC boning the hottest supermodel on the planet – always good for the mojo – or maybe not (see Mark Gastineau, Petr Nedved).
Bad news: With Brady’s newfound chisel, center Dan Koppen has not stood upright once since training camp began. Even worse, actually, it doesn’t get worse than that.
New York Jets
Last year we joked about how Eric Mangini’s name rhyming with Vagini – that one still gets me every time. So to update, they still have Chad ‘Trapper Keeper” Pennington running the show, so why waste new material?
Good news: Team morale was at an all time high when 2nd year linemen D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold held their inaugural ‘Crap Off’ after taking a meal or four at a local Chi Chi’s too far. Even better, Jumbo Elliot and Jason Fabini were there to applaud… and booze.
Bad news: The “Crap Off” clogged 72 septic tanks within in an 11-mile radius of Hofstra and flushed Michael Lohan out of hiding.
What is Brenda Warner doing in a Dolphin’s Preview? Ask Trent.
New coach Cam Cameron (that name just pegs him as a fearless leader OR a character in a crappy Hillary Duff movie) takes over this once proud franchise, which shares it’s early home games with the FLORIDA freakin’ MARLINS. Can’t be good for karma.
Good news: New QB Trent Green has grasped the spread offense fairly quickly.
Bad news: New QB Trent Green has grasped the Rams spread offense from ’01 and keeps looking over his shoulder for a spiky haired man goblin.
Head coach GregRobinson/DickJauron/WadePhillips – ah who gives a shit – this team is going to SUCK. The team failed to lock up big play corner Nate Clements last year and decided to spend $49 million on a mediocre guard. Savvy.
Good news: Gone are malcontents Willis McGahee, Takeo Spikes, and London Fletcher. Replacing them with steaming, heaping piles of crap like Manny Wight was very savvy.
Bad news: J.P. Losman is the ‘face of your franchise’ which is mind-boggling in a working man’s town like Buffalo. How can they turn the franchise over to Rob Johnson and J.P. Losman in consecutive decades?
The Ravens always seem to compete no matter who they’re lining up at QB, so expect more of the same even though their list of quarterbacks would force you to frantically make a trade for someone, anyone, if you were using this team in a video game. That coupled with no wide receiver sniffing 1,000 yards should have Willis McGahee on injured reserve by Week 10.
Good news: Brian Billick’s hair has never looked worse. Even better, Ray Lewis’s line-up introduction dance will now include a rapid-fire middle finger salute to the crowd.
Bad news: Steve McNair’s favorite receiver during training camp was Chris McAllister. Even worse, he will be throwing from a couch in an elaborate but lazy shotgun offense.
Should be an interesting season for the controversial Bengals, we’d make a jail joke here but that would just be gay. Don’t be surprised if Ocho Cinco doesn’t back up Ocho Crap-o, because his gigantic gold mouth is now far bigger than his week-to-week production. Expect coach Marvin Lewis to finally lose his mind by Week 8 and wear antlers in lieu of a headset for no reason whatsoever.
Good news: Defensive backs are now legally allowed to tackle T.J. Houshmandzadeh by his ridiculous horse mane, which is now down past his ass.
Bad news: Bad news out of Bengals camp is simply laughable. It’s all about football in Cincinnati.
With the long flowing prized locks of young Brady Quinn now completely shaved off, it’s clear anything can happen in this league, so don’t count the Browns out just yet… but you can probably count them out by Week 5. As a gifted Cleveland groundskeeper once put it, they’re still shitty.
Good news: The Browns franchise remains in Cleveland. Even better, Stoney Case is now a season ticket holder and the object of numerous profanity-laced tirades.
Bad news: The Browns suck. Even worse, the Dawg Pound will not be having a moment of silence for the expected loss of Michael Vick’s anal virginity.
No one seems to like you Steely McBeam, better watch out for fellow mascots.
It’s a sad time in Pittsburgh for some fans because this season marks the beginning of the post-Bill Cowher era which means the Steelers unofficial logo is no longer his gigantic movie prop chin. A sad loss indeed but we’re still lucky enough to be privy to the Ben Roethlisberger era. We write this while occasionally gazing over at our walls, which are draped in Roethlisberger FatHeads.
Good news: The buzz on Jerome Bettis’s shitty new book only lasted a day or so. Even better, former coach Bill Cowher put his copy into a blender and drank it.
Bad News: Expect new Steelers mascot Steely McBeam to be gang raped by a hoard of season ticket holders no later than Week 3. Expect the Philly Fanatic and the Phoenix Gorilla to head up that line.
Who named this team, the same geniuses that came up with the "Nets"? This just in, the Giants are changing their name to the New York New Yorkers and I’m changing my name to Man Human. That, and I’m about to fart the national anthem because that sounds like more fun than writing about the Texans.
Good news: No one seems to be talking about them, which means they may sneak up on someone. Actually that’s doubtful, there’s no silver lining in this polluted shitstorm.
Bad news: That high school team from Odessa, Texas gets more respect from the media than this franchise. Even worse… or better for that matter, no one gives a shit.
Jags return with a balanced running attack, as Jones-Drew will provide the sparks, spelling Fred Taylor whenever his groin falls off. Ernest Wilford has shown he might be a great wide receiver, but who cares, more often then not he’ll have to go up and get it, with the inevitable ugly decapitation to follow. Plus, the franchise is still reeling from the Tim Couch HGH/steroids admission, nothing like losing your 12th string quarterback just days before the season opener.
Good news: The combined weight of their top two quarterbacks outweighs the Hart Foundation AND the British Bulldogs.
Bad news: Lack of mullets on the team will likely affect stadium attendance. Even worse, Jack Del Rio’s attempt to purchase Randy Johnson’s old mullet on eBay was outbid in the final minute.
When visiting Manhattan during the Summer, Peyton’s forehead has quite often been used to screen films at Bryant Park’s movie night.
The Super Bowl champs come into this season favored to be talked about incessantly on the major networks and disgustingly slurped on Countdown, finally passing the beloved Brett Favre as the most beaten to death (more than one kind of beating in this case – I’m talking to you Boomer and TJ) annoying topic of the season. The most surprising and least discussed storyline of the year might be that Peyton Manning and Sloth have opened the doors to their “Freaky Forehead” club and are rumored to be courting Sheldon Williams.
Good news: It all good news, they are the Super Bowl Champs and as all the talking heads will repeat 1,000 times this year, "until someone wins the Super Bowl, the Colts are still the champs." What a total fucktard comment.
Bad news: Peyton Manning just called an audible on this column and asked for a "nicer fact-based" review. Bad news for Peyton, we don’t give a shit.
Excitement surrounding the Titans, quite literally I might add, figures to skyrocket this year with their newly installed NASCAR racetrack around the field. Yep, that’s about it. They’ll be feisty and probably spoil some playoff hopes, but the biggest story out of Titans camp will always be Jeff Fisher’s hair.
Good news: Jeff Fisher’s hair continues to defy the fashion gods and anyone with a sense of what decade it is. If anyone can bring back the tiger print Zubaz pants, its Fisher.
Bad news: Vince Young knocked 3 fans unconscious in the accuracy drill during the NFL Quarterbacks Challenge this summer. Even worse, his playbook still remains extremely basic, resembling something out of Bill Cosby’s Picture Page.
San Diego Chargers
Here’s an idea: Let’s take a team with the best record in the NFL, the franchise’s best squad since Natrone Means – only much more exciting and with fewer Berman nicknames – and just for the shit of it, let’s fire the head coach, offensive coordinator and defensive coordinator. Is GM A.J. Smith taking a page out of Isaiah Thomas’s “It’s just so crazy it might work” book? Well, they have Tomlinson so it probably will. But we’re certainly rooting for new head coach Norv Turner to go down with an injury. That guy’s a boob.
Good news: Antonio Gates used to play basketball in college.
Bad news: Now that Marty Schottenheimer is out, the sidelines will have to do something to replace the substantial loss of tear ducts. Not since “Schindler’s List” left the theaters, Roy Firestone was pulled from the air and Ron Jeremy retired from porn has America seen such a substantial loss of salty discharge.
This is gunslinger Jay Cutler’s team, so expect him to throw a lot of deep balls and then run straight to the sidelines to grab some nachos while the ball hopefully lands in his receivers’ hands. If the nachos aren’t there, he might yell at his mom again like he did on draft night (Did anyone see that?! Please tell me you did).
Good news: With Champ Bailey and Dre’ Bly at the corners, we might see for the first time in NFL history coordinated moonwalks, funky chickens and other glorious dances before the ball ever snaps.
Bad news: The “Mike Shanahan is actually going to rip a ref’s nuts off countdown” is now going on two years, something’s gotta give.
Kansas City Chiefs
Johnson may need to be carried off the field/teabag someone after every game.
Hey guess what? Herm Edwards plays to win. Or he doesn’t when he pulls his players late in games even when they still have a chance to win. Oh man, this guy is such an enigma!
Good news: Larry Johnsons’s backup is Larry Johnson, who is backed up by Larry Johnson. Johnson will get some snaps at QB, where he’ll hand off every down to Larry Johnson, who will see huge holes in the line thanks to FB Larry Johnson. Expect Johnson to Johnson the Johnson on Johnsons late in the Johnson in the Red Johnson. Touchjohnson? Probably Injohnson Reserve.
Bad news: Did you know that Tony Gonzalez used to date Jose Canseco’s ex-wife?
We’re predicting JaMarcus Russel to be the biggest draft day bust since… well, since Robert Gallery. Remember that fuckin’ mutant hellspawn of a your creepy high school janitor and the drummer from My Morning Jacket? Yeah, he’s still “protecting” QBs, which could be why Oakland hasn’t had any.
Good news: Raiders’ new coach is named Lane and we’re pulling for him to win the French girl, escape that gang of marauding jr. high BMXers and coach on one ski.
Bad news: The Raiders did not schedule any team with a Notre Dame secondary so Russel will indeed suck it this year. Oh yeah, we still need to confirm this, but we think Randy Moss is gone too.