Jesus sheepishly poses with longtime fantasy QB, Kurt Warner, who hasn’t heard the news about being dropped from the squad.
(AP) HEAVEN – In a long overdue move, Jesus has finally parted ways with his longtime fantasy football QB Kurt Warner. The shocking news was revealed when Jesus e-mailed in his 3 “keepers" to the rest of his league (High Rollers and O.G’s on CBS Sportsline) and the former grocery-bagger-turned-arena-league-QB-turned-spiritual-Superbowl-MVP-turned-crappy-has-been wasn’t on the list.
The move comes on the heels of a horrendous 5-year run in which Jesus finished in last place in each of those seasons. Once a feared fantasy football god, Jesus has fallen on hard times lately with his stubborn refusal to let go some of his favorite players. Fantasy football analyst and gigantic nerd, Marty Fishsticks, explains: "He had a nice run about 5 years ago when Warner was at his zenith, but let’s face it he’s been AWFUL of late. I mean, he just gave away Dante Culpepper last year after the sex boat scandal, and the fact that he still keeps Reggie White on his roster…while it was a nice sentimental move that first year, it’s really hurting his roster flexibility."
Reigning league champ Satan, hopes the trend continues. While he hit a rough patch several years back with busts like Ray Carruth and Lawrence Phillips, the tides have certainly changed. "I love it!” gushed the Prince of Darkness, “Who are we kidding here, over the past few years alone, I’ve picked up Randy Moss, Jamal Lewis, Ray Lewis, all by either trading or picking them up off waivers from J.C, it’s laughable!!" Satan then proceeded to queue up the entire Bengals team on his draft board.