By: M. Noonan
Brenda Warner, seen here in new wig made of bleached buffalo pubes, scares evil spirits out of Kurt’s eyes.
ARIZONA – For many moons the Evil Coyote Spirit has destroyed the crops of the Guhunka tribe of Arizona. Such was the case this past summer into fall, rendering the tribe’s yield insufficient.
But hope has come to the Guhunka, thanks to a new addition to the Arizona Cardinals sideline named Brenda Warner, and to the outside-the-box thinking of one loyal tribesman named Red Cloud.
In the middle of a heated brainstorming session about the Coyote, presided over by Chief Preying Wolf, the young tribesman mustered up the courage to speak.
“Chief Preying Wolf, if it is not too presumptuous of me, allow me to make a suggestion,” a timid Red Cloud said.
“Speak,” replied Preying Wolf.
“My cousin Larry told of a great temple where the white man throws around the hide of a grown pig, in great combat against foes,” Red Cloud said. “As the story goes, on the 7th day the sun rises, inside of this temple sits a curious yet powerful figure in prime 50-yard-line seats.”
“You’ve got my ear,” replied Wolf.
“The figure is called She Who Lays With QB Who Looks Like Her. It is said that she brings great and frightening power. It is said that she warded off all that was impure in the Lands of the Underarea.”
“You mean Amsterdam?”
“Yes. That place,” Cloud replied. “It is even said that she is more powerful and more frightening than the Great She-Devil Carcass that scared away Vulture Spirit from our neighboring Kehoonaka tribe.”
“Impressive,” the chief said. “Very well. So, with the smashing of this ceremonial eagle egg, it is decided that we will summon She Who Somehow Now Has Blond Hair And Lays With QB Who Also Happens to Look Like Her But Only Many Moons Younger.”
And so Brenda Warner was summoned. The over-under on when she will try to convert the tribesmen to Christianity is 4 minutes.