NEW YORK, NY – A recent study conducted by cable companies revealed that almost 98% of it’s current HDTV customers can’t stand viewing broadcasters such as Dick Stockton, Hubie Brown, Bob Davie, John Madden, Dick Enberg, Joe Buck, John ‘Beaker’ Clayton, and the devastating tandem of Joe ‘Fish-Alien’ Morgan and John ‘Bald Cap’ Miller.
Four key members of the DNSUAC list.
"I’ve been getting calls daily, and it’s been almost non-stop since the beginning of football season," said freelance intern Barry Bugel. "I get callers saying things like ‘I paid six grand for this plasma, please have that tanned-pizza dough looking Dick Enberg wear a mask next time’. And ‘can you at least make Bob Davie wear a hat? His hair looks like silver tinsel hanging from a Christmas tree. And my favorite, ‘can you send Joe Morgan back to the set of E.T.? He’s really freaking me out.’ It’s ridiculous, but after reviewing the tapes, these people do have a reason to gripe."
The rapidly growing issue has forced network players to delicately create a ‘Do Not Show Under Any Circumstances (DNSUAC)’ list and black out the faces of the banned broadcasters where HD is available. Some networks like NBC are taking it a step further. While John Madden’s live voice will still be used, his face will be digitally replaced with, as one producer suggested, ‘a Shadow Stevens or a Mario Lopez’. Others like ESPN have taken a different approach and have begun slapping ads across the broadcasters faces. Joe Morgan was recently plastered with multiple logos including promotions for Applebee’s shrimp bar and the disgusting brownie campaign by Dominos pizza.
Viewer onslaught has only gotten worse on the web as posters have flooded message boards calling for all HD cameras covering Dick Stockton (affectionately known by bloggers as ‘The Crypt Keeper’ and ‘smoke-hair’) to be stationed a minimum of 30 feet away and equipped with a ‘no-zoom’ lock. Other posters have asked that Hubie Brown simply stop ‘scaring the crap out of them’, while over 1,100 different posters described John Clayton’s split-screen airtime featured on SportsCenter as ‘fatal’.
Circuit City and Best Buy have acknowledged over 30,000 returns nationwide since the start of pre-season football as well as an 88% increase in full coverage insurance policies since many customers have begun throwing their flat-screens out the window. Industry insiders expect these numbers to balloon as either Joe Morgan or Joe ‘ventriloquist dummy’ Buck will broadcast every single playoff game that is geographically possible.