By: M. Noonan
College football analyst Lee Corso, feeling a bit insignificant in the midst of March Madness, challenged Digger Phelps to the first-ever duel involving a pencil and a hi-lighter.
Corso, flanked by uncanny assmagnet Kirk Herbstreit and the musk-voiced Craig Fowler, laid down the gauntlet two days after the NCAA Tournament seedings were released when he charged into ESPN studios, screaming for “that big fat Digger.”
Phelps, who was sitting in seclusion in preparation for an upcoming broadcast, emerged calmly from his training pod and approached Corso in front of the SportsCenter desk.
Fowler stood to the side and attempted to bowl Phelps over with a mighty bellow but the former Notre Dame coach was not fazed, causing Fowler to go into an uncontrollable cough. Herbstriet then tried to melt Digger with his eyes, but Phelps merely waved his hand. Herbstriet stood in disbelief, squeezing a football tightly between his hands.
Corso, who one intern described as hyper “as a hedgehog hopped up on meth,” pushed forward with a photocopy of a 2007 NCAA bracket held in front of him. He then placed white fencing gloves on his hands, whipped out his familiar No. 2 pencil and tore the bracket to pieces, muttering something like “tournaments are for the weak.”
This immediately sent Jay Bilas into a tizzy. The former Duke goofball screamed from his seat, telling Corso to “take a hike, ya muppet.” Meanwhile, Reece Davissat smiling and clapping and smiling.
Digger calmed both of them with his steely gaze and – like Luke in Jedi – unveiled a newly colored hi-lighter, one that only a Master NCAA Bracketologist could wield.
“Oh baby, you’re mine. That puny hi-lighter is nothing, baby!” Corso yapped before charging at Phelps.
Digger stood in silence and as Corso’s leaden blade was one inch from Digger’s neck, he spun out of the way, swung his new “electric mustard” hi-lighter behind him, lopping off a handful of Corso’s dirty mop hair.
A haunting silence filled the ESPN studios. Reece Davis stopped smiling. Fowler vomited on the floor and Herbstriet popped the football between his hands.
Digger picked up Corso’s chopped-off hair and handed it back to him. Corso, now weeping uncontrollably, accepted the hair in both hands and left the studio with his football crew.
Digger sat next to Bilas, who was covering his eyes with his hands, shrugged, and said “March Madness. It’ll get the best of us. Now let’s make a show.”