Cadillac Unveils Eddie Griffin Edition Escalades
Griffin, seen here, has always enjoyed grabbing for loose balls
DETROIT – Cadillac debuted its latest foray into the limited edition SUV market – the Eddie Griffin Edition Escalade. Cadillac says the before-mentioned EG Edition Escalade was inspired by randy NBA legend Eddie Griffin, who’s recent run-in with the law has inspired Eddie Griffin Laws in 27 continental states prohibiting motorists from watching pornography while operating a motor vehicle.
Cadillac VP of Special Edition Marketing Chet Dicklitter noted that Griffin’s recent legal troubles (Griffin was recently cited for operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated and performing sex on himself while watching pornography) created a niche market for, “Horny alpha males who demand a superior driving and comfort experience. The EG edition gives the driver precision handling, superior response and of course privacy.”
The Escalade EG edition comes fully equipped with the following standard features: Mirrored ceilings, custom tinted windows, new car smell replaced with that “just had sex” smell, surround sound featuring perfectly shaved tweeters, digital satellite feed to the entire Vivid Video catalogue, interior windshield wipers, NASA-designed boner holder™ for “hands free” steering, and cooled seats.
Fully loaded (no pun intended) models will reportedly come complete with chrome plated monogrammed anal beads hung from rearview mirror, GPS system voiced by legend Jenna Jameson, and moan-activated lotion and tissue dispenser.
Griffin seems turned on to have his large fingerprints on nearly every aspect of this project, “I was excited when Cadillac came to me for my input into the design of the vehicle. For instance the cooled seats option was completely my idea cuz (sic) I noticed my undercarriage would get real sweaty on long drives. You know what I’m saying?”
Though rival SUV makers scoffed at Cadillac aligning itself with Mr. Griffin and Vivid Video, it looks like they will be the ones laughing and wanging all the way to the sperm bank. Early indications are that Cadillac will have a hard time keeping the EG editions on the lots. “We test marketed the EG in select cities, and we are getting reports that there is a three week waiting list for test drives,” reports Dinklitter.