The Hernia Bucket List
At least once a year, those manly, extreme magazines found at Hudson News stores in airports or 7-11s post lists of “50 things to do before you die.” The lists are generally way too ambitious, time-consuming and expensive to achieve, leaving only the likes of someone such as Scrooge McDuck able to actually complete them – because he is not real.
Nonetheless, the Sports Hernia has taken on the unenviable task of putting together its own list of unrealistic things to do. Good luck.
1. Run your fingers through Kelly Tripucka’s chest hair.
2. Refer to a girl as Chocolate Thunder – or any other Darryl Dawkins’ dunk.
3. Find and buy a pair of Phoenix sneakers and play a game in them. If you can find a pair of Patrick Ewing’s old brand of sneakers we commend you. If you play an entire game in them, we feel bad for you. Call the orthopedic surgeon in advance.
4. Sex Mutombo.
5. Go to a Tennessee/Alabama football game and wear a shirt that says “The South never rose and never will.”
6. Go to a Grambling/Southern game and wear a shirt with the General Lee on it.
7. Find Bobby Fischer.
8. Get viciously berated by Bobby Knight or Vince McMahon.
9. Najeh Davenport some chick’s dorm room closet.
10. Snort a hashmark.
11. Tell everyone at the bar that you are Tim Tebow.
12. Intercept Vinny Testaverde.
13. Call Chuck Liddell a “pussy homo.”
14. Intercept Neil O’Donnell.
15. Threaten to eat someone’s children.
16. Vehemently deny taking steroids to a grand jury, then later test positive.
17. Go sledding on one of Mitch Albom’s ears.
18.Show up to Eagles training camp and claim to be Vincent Papale’s step child.
19. Stare directly into Greg Ostertag’s eyes for 5 seconds. I dare you.
20. Get A.C. Green LAID!!!!!!!!!
21. Go to work one day wearing Macho Man Savage’s robe and crown. Have a co-worker hum his entrance music.
22. Propose to someone named Miss Elizabeth.
23. Start a fight with Shawn Bradley.
24. Have a threesome with the San Diego Chicken.
25. Be managed by Bobby The Brain Heenan in some capacity.
26. Use Mr. Fuji salt on a food item or pair of eyes.
27. Speak like Mutombo during a best man toast.
28. Wear Andre the Giant’s tights to Christmas Eve mass.
29. Jam with Wayman Tisdale.
30. Smash Bronson Arroyo over the head with a guitar.
31. Eat a turnbuckle.
32. Pump up your Reeboks and throw down a tomahawk jam.
33. Find the beef.
34. Join Early Boykins for a sleepover at Neverland.
35. Play point guard for the Washington Generals
36. Bone Maria Sharapova
37. Get ripped with Johnny Mac
38. Legally change your name to World B. Free jr.
39. Take a slip ‘n slide ride down Pat Riley’s head.
40. Use Serena Williams’ ballsack as a punching bag.
41. Get into a staring competition with Stu Scott, Booya!
42. Eat dirt and bark at the moon as a sign for respect to fallen sailor, Bison Dele.
43. Find the guy that killed Nicole Brown Simpson.
44. Assist Clemens in investigating MLB for investigating his steroid use.
45. Pretend to go to a Grateful Dead show with Bill Walton.
46. Carjack a NASCAR driver.
47. Get in a fist fight with someone while both of you wear football helmets.
48. Go cougar-hunting with Mark Phillappoussis.
49. Impersonate Olden Polynice impersonating a police officer.
50. Go to work dressed like boat captain George Steinbrenner.
51. Go through a fast food drive-thru with nothing on but a Lions helmet.
52. Learn how to speak John Starks.
53. Play a round of golf without quoting Caddyshack.
54. Play a game of Scrabble with Evander Holyfield.
55. Get a haircut at the Coming to America barbershop.
56. Put a fish into a ziplock bag and scream “who’s comin’ with me?”
57. Trade yourself to the Devil Rays.
58. Screw your cell phone, get a helmet phone.
59. Urinate on Moises Alou’s hands
60. Start a bar fight and say “My ring’s outside.”
61. Update the website on a somewhat regular basis
62. Party with Breakin 2 Electric Turkoglu