The Sports Hernia

Hey Vick, Fuck YOU!!!!!!!

Hi Michael (or Mike, or whatever the fuck you want to be called) welcome back to society. I would like to welcome you back with a big FUCK YOU!

You are a fucking scumbag, we all know this. And I really don’t give two shits about the actual crime, I am not some PETA whack job on a crusade to save dogs, turtles, insects or insects stuck to shit, I just simply think you are a piece of dung, and the fact that you got your old job back pisses me off.

Why did you get your old job back? Oh right, because you are famous and have an extraordinary skill set that is suited for the NFL. During your bogus 60 Minutes interview the other night, I was just hoping Mr. Brown would have asked you one very simple question, actually two questions.

1. Are you remorseful that you were killing dogs, or that you got caught?

2. If you were never caught, would you still be dog fighting today?

That is all. I would venture to guess that you are pissed you got caught, which is why you lied about it when the charges were brought against you and I would bet the Bad Newz Kennels would still around today if you hadn’t been caught — so fuck you, you piece of dog shit, pun intended.

And you know what, NFL? Fuck you too. You are just as guilty as Vick in this situation. This is just another example of you spineless bastards letting criminals back into your league for ratings. This has been going on for years, but you continue to have a selective memory for players that have rap sheets as long as the Dead Sea scrolls. I would bet a million dollars if I were thrown in the clink for two years my employers would not hire me back once I got out. Those are just facts.

So, thank you NFL for teaching us this valuable lesson: You can break any law you want, just as long as you say “sorry, my bad” and find the lord while you are all clinked up. Come on back and play football for millions of dollars. It’s all good. They clearly have no standards, so fuck you, NFL, and fuck you, Vick. You two deserve each other. My vomit has more class and standards than you two combined, so get Sunday-fucked from now ’til February.

* Actually, under the same circumstances, The Sports Hernia would hire BBW back.

All-American University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow admitted yesterday that he is in fact a virgin, rendering the normally chatty batch of reporters on hand utterly fucking speechless.

After regaining consciousness, one particularly flummoxed reporter complained, “I mean, this guy should be dripping with vag.  I don’t care if he has to sit out a few games for wang or herpes-related injuries, he’s at Florida for chrissake, not North Dakota State!  I’ll confess, I get a Teboner just thinking about all the girls he could plow.”

While others find the young QB’s patience and virtue commendable, some physiologists have warned that whoever Tebow chooses to marry could face an eruption the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since Krakatoa.  “Think Peter North in Bankok after taking a vitamin B shot…multiplied by 1,000″ warned one expert.

“That scene in Scary Movie will look like a faulty park water fountain compared to Tebow’s pending Old-Faithful-on-steroids eruption.” said another concerned physiologist.  “Like dropping a ton of Mentos into a 30-gallon bottle of Coca-Cola.”

And while some laud Tebow’s religious convictions, not everyone is impressed.

“Listen to me and listen to me good: It ain’t fuckin worth it,” a clearly irate A.C. Green said.

(MOUNT AIRY LODGE, PA) — Former NBA player and full-time ass melter, Kiki Vandeweghe, released his much hyped and highly anticipated musical debut Tuesday, “I Won’t Play Any D Baby”, immediately becoming the highest selling jazz-flute album ever.

The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”. Read more »

At least once a year, those manly, extreme magazines found at Hudson News stores in airports or 7-11s post lists of “50 things to do before you die.” The lists are generally way too ambitious, time-consuming and expensive to achieve, leaving only the likes of someone such as Scrooge McDuck able to actually complete them – because he is not real.

Nonetheless, the Sports Hernia has taken on the unenviable task of putting together its own list of unrealistic things to do. Good luck.

1. Run your fingers through Kelly Tripucka’s chest hair.

2. Refer to a girl as Chocolate Thunder – or any other Darryl Dawkins’ dunk.

3. Find and buy a pair of Phoenix sneakers and play a game in them. If you can find a pair of Patrick Ewing’s old brand of sneakers we commend you. If you play an entire game in them, we feel bad for you. Call the orthopedic surgeon in advance.

4. Sex Mutombo.

5. Go to a Tennessee/Alabama football game and wear a shirt that says “The South never rose and never will.” Read more »

The ESPN Countdown crew, led by the shameful boozebag Chris Berman and a collection of jock-sweaters, took their Favre mancrush to a new level during Sunday’s broadcast. Berman, accompanied by an especially retarded-acting Stuart Scott, opened the show in unusual fashion.

Dressed in French maid outfits, the two poster boys of hell, along with Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski, began taking turns dancing and fondling a grotesquely stained life-size cardboard cutout of Brett Favre, while highlights of the beloved quarterback ran on the flat screen in the background.

Read more »

The Arizona Cardinals final home game of the season will most likely be lacking enthusiasm but won’t be short on spine tingling chills. Old friend Timm Rosenbach will be making a special appearance at halftime when Arizona brass add the horrible ex-QB to their storied Ring of Embarrassment that encompasses the facade of the upper tier, similar to the Ring of Heroes that normal football franchises have.

The ceremony will include highlights on the jumbotron of Rosenbach’s most improbable interceptions, jaw-dropping red zone gaffes, laughable fumbles and many of the devastating sacks he suffered during his tenure as a Cardinal.

“We thought it would be a nice way to celebrate the continued misery here in Arizona,” said the latest incompetent Cardinals executive. “It’s an eclectic group, or maybe it’s just a stupid group. I don’t know, but Seeing Timmy’s name next to Joe Bugel, Randall Hill and Kent Graham will be quite a moment for us personally as well as the thousands roasting in attendance. Ring of Heroes? I think not. What’s a hero anyway?”

In town for the festivities are former Cardinals and Ring of Embarrassment hopefuls Steve Beuerlein, Stan Gelbaugh, Chris Chandler, Terrence Flagler and Denny Green along with RoE mainstays Bugel, Hill and Graham.

Oddly enough, Rosenbach is also set to enter Washington State University’s Hall of QB Jokes this fall too, joining fellow legends Mark Rypien and Ryan Leaf.

(BARBARO’S APARTMENT, HEAVEN) — The 2008 Kentucky Derby ended in controversial fashion with one horse getting shot and the winning horse not having a clue as to what the fuck he just did.

First, the winning horse, Big Brown, continued galloping after the race was over, declining an interview with NBC and instead aggressively sniffing the pace horse’s face and ass. It was clear Big Brown had no idea what he just accomplished or why some lady riding a horse and looking like Gazoo was chasing him with a black stick and Greg Gumbel’s puffy hair attached to it. We really can’t blame Big Brown for his behavior, partly because that lady seemed a bit too ‘in your face’, but mainly because he is, like Barbaro was last year, a fucking HORSE. Read more »

(BRISTOL, CONN) — Kansas City Chiefs message board regular Neil Boninghouse (aka “ChiefsRule86″) believes its only a matter of time before ESPN execs recognize his awesome sports knowledge and glorious writing skills and make him a regular columnist on ESPN.com, the world-wide leader in douchebags.

Despite writing the majority of his commentary naked in his parents basement between furious masturbation sessions to “BangBus.com” trailers, ChiefsRule86 provides an insightful, while altogether unique voice, especially when he routinely dishes out his trademark zinger “Trent Green RULES!”, a real treat for those lucky enough to be on the board at the same time. It’s insightful, witty commentary like that which has no doubt raised a few eyebrows in Bristol.

Read more »

I am: Part centaur

Seeking: A full-blown centaur

Interested in: Weights, bodybuilding, female bodybuilders, sex with weights

Location: GNC stock room

Occupation: House thrower, part-time ref, full-time hard-ass

Ethnicity: Immortal

Religion: Joe Wieder

Star Sign: 100-pound plates

Relationship Status: Single and hungry as hell

Have Children: I gave birth to an Altered Beast once

Want Children: Only as worthy sparring partners

Read more »

After years of courting, the fashion giants of Milan finally got their man, luring ex-NBA coach and full-time boob juggler Jeff “All Man” Van Gundy over the pond. Working from Milan, the fashionistas threw a boatload of cash, scores of women, custom-made Honda Civics, promises of world domination and crisp chest passes at the former NBA coach. But Donatella Versace and Georgio Armani, who spearheaded the recruiting effort, were only able to nab Van Gundy after relenting to his demands that the majority of his outfits come in his trademark “Diet Coke Silver.”

Van Gundy, who has been dogged by rumors of his imminent departure to the modeling world since his clothes were torn clean off his body during a famous fight with Alonzo Mourning’s leg, finally made it official Monday. Read more »