HERNIA HEADQUARTERS – With the 2007 MLB season rapidly approaching, reporters from The Sports Hernia were deployed across the country to various bars, clubs, strip clubs, bath houses, whore houses, courtrooms, prisons, rehab centers and crime scenes to get the latest inside info for the upcoming campaign. Let the buzz build no more, it’s the 1st annual MLB Preview, Hernia style.
Paul Lo Duca intimidating with his waxed eyebrows
New York Mets
With “Cocoon” extras Julio Franco, Tom Glavine, Moises Alou, Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez, Sandy Alomar Jr., Ruben Sierra and Rod Carew filling out the squad, the Mets wisely moved their Spring Training to Del Boca Vista and scheduled more day games this year, letting their players catch more early bird dinner specials.
In other news, Shawn Green’s new chinstrap should prevent his helmet from falling off on the basepaths. Team brass knew they had to do something when the updraft from his ears nearly sent his sombrero-helmet into orbit last year on Shea Stadium’s “Mexican Day”.
Good news: The Mets will have an edge this year as they plan to hide three extra bench players in Carlos Delgado’s gigantic oversized uniform. Even better, suave yet villainous looking 2nd baseman Jose Valentin has agreed to become the lead spokesman for Colt 45 and Camel cigarettes.
Bad news: Paul LoDuca has really taken David Wright under his wing. Expect the young 3rd baseman to have freaky waxed eyebrows, a severe gambling problem and 136 teenage mistresses scattered throughout the country by mid-season.
Joe Girardi took a team full of rookies and amazingly kept them in the playoff hunt all last year earning him Coach of the Year honors. So naturally, longtime assbag team owner, Jeffrey Loria, fired him. The lesson here: kill yourself if you’re on the Marlins.
Good news: Dontrelle Willis has refined his delivery to look even more like Elaine dancing on “Seinfeld”.
Bad news: Turns out Dontrelle has a totally normal looking delivery, but he’s just drunk all the time.
The Nationals are set to split their home games between the RFK, USAir Arena, the White House lawn, the Reflecting Pool, Puerto Rico and Guam this year. Pitcher John Patterson is considered the team ‘ace’ and rock of the rotation with everyone after that a question mark. It should be noted this ‘rock’ has average about 80 innings a year for his career. Promising stuff.
Good news: Nick Johnson’s new WD-40 greased helmet only got caught on his gigantic head 14 times last year, down from 52 the year before, making many plane trips much more comfortable for the Nats first baseman.
Bad news: The Nats have been scouting strong-armed peanut vendors in Spring Training as possible starters in the rotation. Even worse, 63-year old hot dog vendor Barney Coopersmith has been hired to run the team’s farm system.
The Braves boast a 34-year old man who still wants to be called “Chipper”, a fan base that can’t even sell out a playoff game, and to top it off, one of the stupidest crowd chant ever. Let’s hope actual Native Americans invade the stadium one day and slice these people’s arms off in mid-chop.
Good news: Team brass is optimistic after hitting coach Terry Pendleton explained to Jeff Francoeur that he is not legally required to swing at every pitch this year.
Bad news: TBS will continue to broadcast Braves games nationally despite a public outcry for more re-runs of Saved By the Bell: The College Years and Small Wonder. Even worse, don’t be the least bit surprised to see Bobby Cox wearing boxers and openly drinking scotch in the dugout this year.
With MLB going through a major HR drought, the Phillies shrewdly built a new stadium with the exact same dimensions as the Williamsport Little League World Series field. With the right field wall measuring at a daunting 75 feet, look for Ryan Howard to average 90 HR’s and 250 RBI’s a year for the next decade.
Aaron Rowand has managed not to break his face this Sping, delighting Phillies execs.
Good news: Aaron Rowand has managed to avoid running full speed into flag poles, brick walls, fire hydrants and cactuses in spring training thus far. Even better, notorious boozing coochie connisuer Pat Burrell has been neutered to help shift his focus back to the field.
Bad news: The Philly Phanatic has been suspended for the first 50 games of the season after a steroid sting in a Nevada desert caught him in the act of buying HGH with longtime cronies, the Phoenix Gorilla and the San Diego Chicken.
St. Louis Cardinals
The Cards pile in Tony La Drunka’s station wagon and are the favorites to take the Central, if not the World Series again. But with the loss of studface Jason Marquis to the Cubs, the departures of Suppan and Weaver, and Mark “over the shoulder Mulder holder” out until mid-July, La Resta is looking at the tasty possibilities of Anthony Reyes (5.06 ERA), Kip Wells (ERA of 6.50) and freaking Braden Looper as starters. Kip Wells should be on “90210” or “The OC” or be an inline skater or something with that name. Kip?
Good news: Tony La Russa can drink. You don’t even know!!!.
Bad news: David Geekstein is seriously contemplating a career in midget wrestling as The Mini Poet. Even worse, Leaping Lanny Poffo refuses to manage him.
The last time the Cubs won John the Baptist was just growing pubes. Don’t expect $300 million in idiotic off-season deals to bring them to the promise land. Cubs singed Ted Lilly to a bloated deal and hope that Jason Marquis can be a solid No. 3 pitcher. Yes, really. Expect Lilly to give up roughly 35 HRs in Wrigley. Oh hey, his full name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly, which is significant because Teddy Roosevelt would have spoken softly and beaten the crap out of Jim Hendry for being an idiot for the past 5 years.
Good news: Mark Prior is not yet hurt. Anyone who cares about that is a moron. Yes, we’re talking to you, 10,000 drunk Cubbie girls.
Bad news: The Cubs’ training staff still uses hot tubs so Kerry Wood could go down any day.
The Brewers new CGI crowd has team brass giddy.
Prince Fielder and Corey Hart? C’mon, if nothing else the Brewers have to look good with names like that. I picture Prince as this tall drink of water, fielding balls as if her were plucking daisies or girls’ hearts and rounding bases with both speed and grace. Meanwhile, Corey Hart wears shades at all hours of the day AND he is able to pull off sick motocross tricks.
Good news: In an attempt to fool TV viewers, the Brewers hired CGI experts to fill the seats with virtual fans from Ninitendo’s "Bases Loaded 3" game.
Bad news: Team set to replace bats with brats by Memorial Day. Coincidentally, this will be the first game Cecil Fielder plans to attend.
Randy Johnson is giddy to be back in Arizona despite his request for Big Johnson t-shirt uniforms being denied.
Someone make this team go away. They are just highly annoying playing in their Legoland Park, formerly named after the worst company in U.S. history, next to whatever company made Jarts. I guess Biggio is a nice elderly fellow. But if Clemens comes back again the league needs to step in and send a Hummer to his dinner table.
Good news: Carlos Lee rumored to enter every home game on a horse with Van Halen’s “Panama” blaring from the PA system.
Bad news: The top-of-the-ninth "Lights Out Lidge" sound and light show is currently powered by two hamsters. Even worse, those hamsters look like Ken Rosenthal.
On paper, the Pirates’ bats should get better this year with Dirty Sanchez and Adam LaRoche, but unfortunately, they play in Pittsburgh. Even their sandwiches look better on paper. You know things are dismal when the last news of note coming out of your city was Sienna Miller making fun of it.
Good news: Pittsburgh affiliate, AA Altoona and the Pirates continue their ongoing talks of switching rosters "just for the shit of it". Even better, in an honorable effort to cut costs, the Pirates will fly with the Royals, Devil Rays, and a bunch of roosters when schedule permits.
Bad news: New rule implemented by a drunk intern will have any pitcher who can’t make it through 3 full innings walk a plank into Lake Erie as 10 randomly chosen fans get to pelt them with steel baseballs.
Expect Griffey Jr. and the Cubs’ Prior and Wood to open up their own glass company by May. The Reds are also considering signing Mark Rypien, Allen Houston, Jeff George, Doug Johnson and that kid you grew up with who appeared to be an awesome athlete but was constantly getting injured.
Good news: Adam Dunn will likely hit 50 Hrs, strike out 150 times, and eat 250 burgers this year. Even better, Mickey Tettleton and Rob Deer applaud this.
Bad news: Reports coming out of the Cincinnati music scene say that Bronson Arroyo is entering his sitar stage.
San Francisco Giants
The Giants hilarious line-up sports an average age of 41, so expect a dizzying array of flying limbs, cartiledge, nosehair, and teeth to be an integral and exciting part of any San Francisco Giants game. More importantly, Barry Bonds returns for a curtain call this year sporting a size 13 1/2" baseball cap, beating Kevin Mench’s record by a whopping 6 full sizes.
Good news: After the inevitable happens and Bonds breaks Ruth’s home run record, he plans to drown himself in McCovey Cove. Even better, no one will care.
Bad news: Benitez still hates ‘fags’ as much as Ozzie Guillen does. Even worse, the "Ask Barry —>" t-shirts are getting gayer by the minute.
Franchise player Todd Helton looks to bounce back from a sub-par season in which he had only 15 hr’s and 81 rbi’s which roughly translates to –7 hr’s and 3 rbi’s in any other park. The Rockies will also be flashing an impressive 5-corpse rotation that includes free agent splash Rodrigo Lopez (9 wins, 18 losses in 2006) and the amazingly in control, Byung-Hyun Kim.
Good news: Scientists think they had a huge breakthrough this off-season in deadening the ball by dipping each one in a bucket of game-used Jason Giambi hair gel.
Bad news: Took Rockies brass 10 years to figure out "Hey, maybe we should develop more sinker-ball pitchers since we play on the moon?"
Los Angeles Dodgers
With the emotional, gut wrenching departure of win-at-all-costs warrior J.D. Drew, its unclear where the Dodgers franchise will turn to for leadership in 2007. While no-frills attached utility injury bug, Nomar Garciaparra sounds like the logical choice, best bets are on Juan God Pierre whose down to earth ego and stable personality seem to be what L.A. desperately needs.
Good news: D-Lowe has listened to his handlers and opened several different cell phone accounts for the various sets of tits he’s banging on the side. Even better, Tommy Lasorda has done the same thing.
Bad news: Luis Gonzalez has already set-up his postseason broadcasting schedule. Even worse, pitcher Chin-hui Tsao thinks he’s a member of the Yankees.
The D’Backs sadly ended their contract with Horrible Design Inc. and took the purple and teal out of their team colors, leaving the SportsHernia with much less material to work with here. Look for the Mets to make a late appeal and acquire these cast-off colors for their already hideous threads.
Good news: Starting pitcher and teradactyl Randy Johnson returns to the comfy confines of his old bird nest high aloft in the Chase Field retractable roof.
Bad news: The D’Backs boast an awesome array of prospects. Unfortunately, so have the Devil Rays for the past 10 years.
San Diego Padres
The Padres had an emotional year in ’06, with 3 of their players getting lost in the cavernous outfield of Petco Park, never being found again (with the exception of a young Padres prospect whose corpse CF Mike Cameron tripped over during a September game). This year, the Padres have wisely equipped all outfielders with a homing chip and flare guns.
Good news: Electric rods installed in all stadium seats should keep a better percentage of fans awake this year.
Bad news: So should David Wells’ gas.
Kansas City Royals
The reason the Royals have decided not to field a 1st baseman in 2007.
The Royals signed their first free agent in franchise history this off-season by unloading their revenue sharing money on Hall of Fame lock, Gil Meche. The sure handed ace comes into Royals camp coming off an eyepopping 11-8 record last season which has the younger, future losers on the team, gushing with envy. With 52-year old Reggie Sanders flashing the leather in various outfield duty, expect an awkward, "looked like he got shot with a rifle" type diving catch to end his crappy season prematurely.
Good news: The Royals team page remains on MLB.com. Even better, management has expressed interest in breaking their 100 losses per season streak.
Bad news: Team has remained firm on their bold strategy to not field a 1st baseman for the entire season. Even worse, the rabid Royal fanbase refuses to forgive management for letting free agent catcher Paul Bako get away.
Feisty Manager Jim Leyland returns with the same team that won the ALCS, but more importantly has announced he will continue to do his hilarious, duck-like walk to the mound. Anchored by psychotic leaders in amphetamine-fueled Kenny Rogers and lesbian catcher Pudge Rodriguez, the team welcomed legally insane Gary Sheffield with open arms.
Good news: Sheffield safely arrived to camp with all seven of his personalities. Even better, Kenny Rogers left hand still has that shit stain on it.
Bad news: Jim Leyland is still chewing the same tobacco he was chewing in Game 5 of the World Series. Even worse, Joel Zumaya’s problematic burrito gas in the bullpen now has frightening company in Jose Mesa.
Roger Dorn has been a magical breath of fresh at Indians camp.
With the core of Cleveland’s roster set to return, including all 5 starting pitchers and the addition of God’s co-pilot and best friend Trot Nixon, the Indians surely seemed destined…. for something. If nothing else, Trot Nixon’s horse-mane hair has never looked better.
Good news: With Keith Foulke retiring, fans need not to worry as they still have journeyman Roberto Hernandez to viciously abuse for the entire season. Even better, retired Indian legend Roger Dorn has been a delight at camp so far working with Andy Marte at 3rd base.
Bad news: Cliff Lee could be headed to the DL with a strained oblique that continues to linger from an atomic splash suffered at the hands of departed closer Bob Wickman. Even worse, C.C. Sabathia’s request to wear a hat with no brim and a jersey with a "half-eaten" look was denied by the commissioner’s office.
Sidney Ponson could have a huge impact on Minnesota nightlife.
Following a disappointing ALDs last year in which they got dick-smacked by Frank Thomas, the Twins and their wacky, free spending owner went out and signed Ramon Ortiz and reliable workhorse Sidney Ponson. Don’t expect to see any retarded homer hankys in October this year.
Good news: See bad news.
Bad news: After receiving $21 million in revenue sharing, management sprung for new towels in the locker room.
Chicago White Sox
After an overhaul on the pitching staff and the noticeable absence of Neil Cotts’ ridiculous sideburns, look for the team to lean on Mark Buehrle to grow a beard covering his entire face, striking a bizarre resemblance to an Owl and similar to the stuff you’ve seen on Maurey Povich. With so many new faces and big shoes to fill, expect a hilarious, hate-filled Guillen rant on YouTube by June 1st.
Good news: Ozzie Guillen and Tim Hardaway recently had an amazing dinner together. Even better, Paul Konerko and Jim Thome have installed a kegerator at 1st base.
Bad news: The average weight of a female fan at a White Sox home game remains 263lbs. Even worse, catcher A.J. Pierzynski hasn’t left baseball to pursue a full-time wrestling career with TNA.
Billy Beane continues to make saebermetric guru’s scratch their collective eggheads with the Mike ‘tranny in training’ Piazza signing and last year’s Esteban “I cant drive 105” Loiaza deal.
Good news: Piazza seeing the ball better after most recent eye/face lift. Even better, everyone in the starting line-up has their own personal beard barber.
Bad news: Nick Swisher’s girlfriend Danielle Gamba is keeping him on a short leash – literally. Apparently she makes Ana Benson look like Maya Angelou. Even worse, Mike Piazza has yet to find a West Coast weatherman that suits his taste.
Outside of Ichiro not having a Matsui size pornography collection, and a lights out closer with the last name of Putz, what can we say about this team? Holy crap… there is a Weaver involved!
Good news: Jeff Weaver is totally stoked to have two Japanese teammates, as he is hoping they will help him find the best rub and tug joint in the Seattle metro area.
Bad news: Jeff Weaver has been eager to show Japanese Catcher Kenji Johima the American meaning of 4:20 in his custom detailed cruising van after day games.
Bartolo Colon slowly morphs into Jon Favreau shortly after eating him.
Let’s start with the halos’ rotation – workout STUDD Bartolo Colon decided against off-season shoulder surgery and elected for strengthening exercises – savvy. Jared Weaver spent the off-season building backyard rockets and drinking Everclear and Jolt in suburban San Jose, thus ignoring the team ordered off-season strength exercises for his tired arm.
Good news: New high priced FA outfielder Gary Matthews Jr. has NOT been implicated as a possible father of Ana Nicole Smiths kid. Even better, ever-growing veteran Bartolo Colon’s attempt at a Howie Kendrick-Orlando Cabrera fajita was thankfully stopped by an alert Vlad Guerrero.
Bad news: Chone Figgins hasn’t been able to shake his new Hollywood ego after his groundbreaking performance in the Wayan’s brothers bomb, Little Man. Even worse, milk-bone chewing pitcher John Lackey continues to channel Scooby-Do.
Truly the least interesting team in baseball. They probably needed to get Sammy Sosa into the fold for spring training or risk losing front-page stories to the men’s field hockey word championships.
Good news: It seemed that Tom Hicks was mercifully removed from Scott Boras’ ass… then Eric Gagne goes and becomes available.
Bad news: Actual headline on CNNSI.com ‘Sosa’s possible revival key for Texas’. Even worse, expect George Bush to be back in the front office by June.
The Orioles are the pride of Baltimore, one of the Eastern Seaboards finest cities and the former murder capital if the USA! After an impressive fourth place last year, Oriole fans should be at ease knowing that Kevin Millar stuck an actual Cowboy Up his ass and will be wearing Tom Cruise’s Aviator Jacket from Top Gun as a head band. But not all is lost in Baltimore, Tejada is off the ‘roids and will continue to put up more subpar power numbers. In other news, Cal Ripken was spotted tying a sturdy noose when he first read the projected starting lineup.
Good news: Kris Benson is out for the year with a partially torn rotator cuff, which puts Anna Benson in line for a partially torn vagina courtesy of the Orioles bullpen and Brian Roberts.
Bad news: Camden Yards has instituted a “no white trash allowed in the stadium” rule so expect Tampa Bay to have higher attendance this year.
Boston Red Sox
After missing the playoffs two years after their historic World Series win, the Red Sox are looking to regroup and make another strong run at second place in the division and pray for a wild card. With the signing of Japan, they are primed and ready to compete in the World Baseball Classic next year. The best news so far out of camp is that Curt Schilling has retired his bloody sock and replaced it with a bloody tampon. No word yet on whose it is, but early reports point to Josh Beckett.
Good news: J.D. Drew is expected to make it through Spring Training injury free.
Bad news: David “Big Papi” Ortiz has decided to replace his bat this year with an over sized Snickers bar.
New York Yankees
The Bronx Zoo is a little tamer this year without roid-head/self-proclaimed scariest hitter in baseball Gary Sheffield, who is proving how much he is over the Yankees by constantly talking about them this spring. However, Gay-Rod is still patrolling third base and NYC nightclubs shirtless. After an embarrassing exit to the Tigers last year, the Yankees look to fire back with the signing of a sub-par Japanese starter and old fan favorite Andy Pettitte. Rumor has it they are looking into adding another bat, the latest front runner is Chewbacca who has been tearing up the Hoth System minor leagues.
Good news: George Steinbrenner’s sunglasses are starring in the latest CSI: Tampa Bay.
Bad news: Torre is not expected to coddle Wang now that he’s fully developed his unusual curve.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
The devil rays, lowercase on purpose, are looking down the barrel of a gun and waiting for someone to pull the trigger and put an end to this god for saken franchise. They have retooled their lineup just enough to get trampled by the rest of the division, but hope to finish 30 games out of first place. With the departure of Lou Pinella, the signing of an actual Devil Ray to patrol center field, and the Wonder Twins Zan and Jan expected to come out of the bullpen, this franchise is well on their way to being the worst is sports history. Carl Crawford and Scott Kazmir couldn’t be happier to be playing in the worst stadium since the Vet and surrounded by a Double-A team.
Good news: They have enough bodies to fill a Major League Roster.
Bad news: There will be more people in the two dugouts than in the stands all year.
Toronto Blue Jays
The team from America Jr. finished in second place last year for the first time in well, forever, however, unless they want to play with the big boys, they really need to bring more to the table than free health care and legalized marijuana. The Jays do have a above average rotation, a solid lineup, and a closer with a mullet. Whether that will translate into wins is another thing.
Good news: Former DH Ed Sprague has expressed interest in buying season tickets. Even better, Paul Molitor recently admitted that he played a few seasons in Toronto.
Bad news: An entire nation will be resting it’s baseball hopes on one team, which means tons of pressure from all 11 French baseball fans in Canada..