Tripucka Busted for Hairroids at Ultimate Body Hair Tournament

By: A. Grady, M. Noonan

LAS VEGAS, NV - Kelly Tripucka was escorted out of the Octagon at the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament Friday night for failing a harroid test, just moments before his chest hair was to fight against Danny Schaye's back hair.

Tripucka's hairroids scandal throws the Greece bracket of the Ultimate Body Hair Tournament into chaos.

The former NBA player and current New Jersey Nets TV commentator has been fighting hairroid allegations since his early days at Notre Dame and was practically the cover boy of the Hairroid Era in the mid-80s (famously peaking the night he was banned from playing the Los Angeles Lakers after state officials feared his chest hair would ignite in brushfire).

Speculation had cooled off since his retirement but broke out again when his chest hair attacked TV partner Ian Eagle in what seemed like a classic case of hairroid rage. "We were in the booth, just going through our routine," said Eagle, still shaken from the event. "And I mentioned something about Scott Pollard's new 'do. Next thing I know this monsoon of hair leaps from Kelly's shirt and strangles me. That's all I remember."

Tripucka defiantly entered the UBH Tournament, traditionally held in Greece, and was predictably named the top seed. But now with Tripucka out, the No. 1 seed falls to Jon Runyan and his smothering back hair.  It also opens the door to the feisty Sam Wise-Gamge's feet hair (a controversial UBH alternate).

Without a doubt, the tournament’s most intriguing participant is former UNC star Dante Calabria, whose basketball career veered tragically off course in 1995 after OD'ing on hairroids at a NBA pre-draft camp.  Calabria had injected himself in a bathroom minutes before taking the court, hoping to wow the scouts with his already impressive man-rug, but ended up scaring the bejeezus out of everyone when he fell to the floor and practically turned into a werewolf.  Embarrassed and blacklisted, Calabria fled the country and was last seen in Italy working as a human buffer for the MF1 Racing Team.

Here are the other seeds:

1. Jon Runyan – back hair, tricep hair

2. Carlos Boozer's - tightly wound chest hair

3. Dante Calabria – inner thigh hair

4. Rony Seikaly – exploding chest hair

5. Eugene Edgerson – head of hair

6. George the “Animal” Steel – salt & pepper back hair

7. Carl Weathers – greasy, matted chest hair

8. Earthquake – ass hair

9. Danny Schayes – unkempt back hair

10. Joe Torre – nose hair

11. Any member from Oakland A's 2006 lineup - deadly beards

12. Hillbilly Jim - beard is like the black hole

13. Peja Stojakovic - neck hair

14. Dan Majerle – stomach hair

15. Giant Gonzalez – painted pubes

16. Sam Wise Gamge – Feet hair

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Retired RW/RR Challenge
Uber-Hunk Joins Crips

By: J. Hamel

SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES - In an effort to jumpstart his sagging post Real World/Road Rules challenge career, Mark Long has begun the initial stages of applying for membership in Los Angeles’ notorious street gang – the Crips.

Unavailable for comment at this time, due to the sensitive and secretive nature of the Crips pledging process, we interviewed a member of the RW/RR Challenge All-stars for his take. Though it seems to be a dangerous move for the former RW/RR Challenge livewire, he has the backing of one former cast-mate.

Extreme athlete and no-talent ass-clown, Mark Long

“To be honest, I was there when the idea came to him. We were getting our asses waxed last week for a huge and important appearance I had scheduled at the Manhole Bar and Grill in Encino, when he just blurted out ‘I NEED to be in a gang brah. And my gang name will be Chewie.’ It was a total epiphany (sic.).” explained Steven Hill (RW Las Vegas).

Mr. Long reportedly began the initiation process on or about June 15^th, and nobody is willing to admit if they have seen or heard from the noted cocksman since. Phone calls to Long’s shared studio apartment are met with a taped answering machine message of his signature swagger asking for the ‘dilly yo’ while CrazyTown’s “Butterfly” is being played audibly in the background.

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Rally Monkey Vigil for Barbaro

By: M. Noonan

BEEFARINO, KY (AP) - The Anaheim Angels' rambunctious Rally Monkey led a vigil of fellow sports animals outside of Barbaro's hospital room late Thursday as the Kentucky Derby champ remained in critical condition.

The Monkey rallied a pack of fellow sports animal celebrities including Smarty Jones, Air Bud, a collie named Ricochet from the Outdoor Games, 2006 Best in Show winner Rufus, and that chimp from the movie "Ed" with Matthew LeBlanc.

The Monkey nearly started several fires as he couldn't keep his candle steady without performing multiple backflips. Emotions began to run high in the waiting room area as Smarty Jones got into it with the horse from Hot to Trot who, although a close friend of Barbaro's, has never seen eye to eye with Jones and was not on the hospital guest list. As tempers flared, the rally monkey began an impromtu 'Yankees Suck' chant uniting the motley group while doctors and nurses looked on with approval.

Several dogs, cats, squirrels, rabbits, and other neighborhood animals were gathered outside the hospital to wish Barbaro well but were not let inside for fear the large crowd might turn the hospital into a chaotic animal house.

Barbaro remained under observation forcing his handlers to cancel his turn on ESPN's exhilerating 'Budweiser Hot Seat' as well as his exclusive interview with Stephen A Smith.

Additional Reporting by T. Ryan

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97-Pound Jockey Fined For Head Butting 2,000-Pound Horse

By: B. Weiss

Horse jockey Paul O’Neil was suspended for one day and sent to his bedroom for head butting his horse, City Affair.  This is an incident that has rocked the horse-racing world, people are shocked that a 4’ 8” kid head butted his horse after the 5-ton animal tossed him like Raggedy Ann.

The clip, which has been shown countless times worldwide, has kept the earth in suspense about what sort of punishment would be sent down to Mr. O’Neil for head butting an animal 4,000 times his size.  Fighting in Lebanon and Israel stopped as the verdict was read. 

“I really had no idea they would suspend me for one whole day. I really have no idea what I am going to do with myself and the $40 in pay I will be docked,” O’Neil said from his bedroom in Northern Ireland.  “I guess I can pick up some work as an Ewok, or I can just catch up on the list of chores mom has laid out for me.”

As the fighting continued in the Middle East and the good people of ESPN reported this news in a timely fashion, the rest of the world is finally at ease that every 5-ton horse forever more will be protected from jockeys.

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