CHICAGO – More than 10,000 female fans greeted the Chicago Cubs with misdirected applause and nondescript noise this past Saturday at Wrigley Field, utterly clueless as to what the fuck was going on.

Despite a revamped team, tension in the clubhouse and a new batshit crazy manager, broads everywhere in Wrigleyville remained clueless.

“Woo! Nomar!” yelled Mitzy Reynolds from Iowa City, Iowa, even though the Cubs faced the Cincinnati Reds that day.

Reynolds, standing in the bleachers and clad in a blue Cubs Garciaparra jersey, cutoff jeans shorts and ridiculously large white sunglasses, joined thousands of other Midwestern girls in screaming completely out of sync with each other.

Two rows down from Reynolds sat a steaming drunk Deb Johnson, a 23-year-old Miami of Ohio grad who was stuffed into an old Kyle Farnsworth jersey. Johnson was berating her boyfriend Rick for reasons unknown, as he checked up on how his fantasy team was doing on his Dingleberry two-way.

The most exciting and unifying moment of the game occurred in the sixth inning with the Cubs down 6-5 and Aramis Ramirez at the plate. Ramirez, on his way to hitting for the cycle that day, smashed an opposite field homerun that plunked an unidentified girl in a Mark Grace jersey. Everyone laughed at once.

The second most exciting and unifying moment of the game was actually a tie between when Reynolds flashed outfielder Matt Murton, or when Johnson yelled out to everybody and nobody: “Who’s getting shots with me at the Cubby Bear after this?”

Cubs win. Cubs win.

Note: Similar reports have come in from New York in regard to slags crammed in David Wright and Jeter jerseys…