The Sports Hernia

(MOUNT AIRY LODGE, PA) — Former NBA player and full-time ass melter, Kiki Vandeweghe, released his much hyped and highly anticipated musical debut Tuesday, “I Won’t Play Any D Baby”, immediately becoming the highest selling jazz-flute album ever.

The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”. Read more »

After years of courting, the fashion giants of Milan finally got their man, luring ex-NBA coach and full-time boob juggler Jeff “All Man” Van Gundy over the pond. Working from Milan, the fashionistas threw a boatload of cash, scores of women, custom-made Honda Civics, promises of world domination and crisp chest passes at the former NBA coach. But Donatella Versace and Georgio Armani, who spearheaded the recruiting effort, were only able to nab Van Gundy after relenting to his demands that the majority of his outfits come in his trademark “Diet Coke Silver.”

Van Gundy, who has been dogged by rumors of his imminent departure to the modeling world since his clothes were torn clean off his body during a famous fight with Alonzo Mourning’s leg, finally made it official Monday. Read more »

DETROIT, MI – NBA announcer and ultimate hairdo visionary Hubie Brown delved into excruciating detail Sunday during a reply in the second quarter of ABC’s broadcast of the Chicago Bulls-Detroit Pistons matchup.

It was a familiar scenario for many NBA viewers: In discussing a play that viewers had just seen mere seconds ago, Brown discussed every detail of that same play, as if he were describing the scene to a bunch of blind, retarded head trauma victims in a loony bin.

The play in question involved a pretty routine drive to the lane by Pistons guard Chauncey Billups, who then passed it to Tayshaun Prince for a three pointer.

“You see what he does right here, is he goes by his guy and drives to the paint, which he can do. He’s very underrated as a player,” Brown said of Billups, a former NBA Finals MVP. “And then what he does, just watch right here, he passes the basketball out to his teammate, Tayshaun Prince, who you know can hit that three point shot.”

Brown could have easily cut his losses there and stopped talking, but something underneath his albino rat’s nest hair made him believe that he had to “educate” the dumb viewer on other matters. (truncated version) Read more »

Hey, OJ Mayo. I barely know who you are. I’ve never even seen you play. I couldn’t point you out in a freaking 2 on 2 game. But let me just give you this:

A preemptive “Fuck You” before you start pissing me off on a daily basis.

So it’s been said you want to go to USC for future marketing opportunities and that Los Angeles is the best place to start. Awesome. The NBA needs another self-promoting Prima Donna douchebag like strip clubs need a wildly contagious form of genital warts to break out. Announcing this was also a brilliant idea, now the NCAA will be investigating USC as soon as you and your porn-stache set foot on campus. This is great for the college game, well done. What a fuck nut, I hope you become Jayson Williams’ new limo driver. You are the poster boy for an amateur athlete.

This is an actual quote from one of Mayo’s entourage (which all high school basketball players need) when Tim Floyd asked for his cell phone number: “OJ doesn’t give out his cell,” he said. “He’ll call you.” What? This spoiled fucking jackass needs a reality check. If Floyd were a self-respecting coach, he would have told Mayo to get fucked, play somewhere else. They are hiring at McDonald’s. These spoiled high school kids control college coaches, which just speaks volumes about how spineless some of them are. Mayo also said that he wants to go to a program where he can make a mark, maybe he isn’t wanted at other respectable programs because of his fucking thug past.

During Mayo’s first visit to USC he brought along a documentary camera crew, what a savvy move. Another thing all great high school players need, because it worked out well for Sebastion Telfair and his “Through the Fire” documentary. Can someone let me know how Telfair is doing? Last I heard he was tearing it up with the Beasts of the East, the Boston Celtics. Well played.

Which reminds me, Dildo Mayo, how many arrests do you have and how many high schools have you attended? Just about more than you have fingers on your hands. It is always a good sign when a player bounces around high schools, a great sign of stability. He sounds really coachable, just what every college needs. I don’t see any problems with him moving to LA, so much less trouble to get into than in West Virginia. Surely there will be a plethora of refs that he can literally push during games like he
did in high school. I hope Dick Bavetta gives him a scissor kick straight to his nuts during his first NBA game, if he makes it that far.

By the way, nice fucking performance in the McDonald’s All-American game: 4-17 shooting, very impressive. That definitely warrants being a total fucking jackass and pushing people around. How about this, score a point in college before you get all Lebron James on us. Better yet, stop being such a fucking dildo and just play basketball and let that do the talking for you. Also, why don’t you do some research on Kevin Durant, you can’t hold his jock, but you talk like you are a fucking Michael Jordan.

So, in summation, before you get more out of hand, get fucked, and get fucked hard, you insanely pompous fucknut.

Below is real news about this shitbag, enjoy.

In January 2007, Mayo allegedly assaulted referee, Mike Lazo, after being ejected from a Huntington High game vs. Capital High School at theCharleston Civic Center [6] According to West Virginia Secondary School Activities Commission rules, Mayo was suspended for two games. However due to allegations supported by video evidence that Lazo had overreacted and faked the incident, a temporary restraining order was signed byCabell County Circuit Court Judge Dan O’Hanlan, temporarily lifting the suspensions on Mayo and five other players suspended due to incidents at that game. [7] However, shortly after, the restraining order was nullified and Mayo was suspended for three games, a punishment that Mayo described as “fair.” [8]

On March 9, 2007, Mayo and three other men were cited by the Cabell County Sheriff’s Dept. for misdemeanor simple possession of marijuana. Officers found the cannabis in a car in which Mayo was a passenger and, since no one claimed possession, all occupants were ticketed. [9] Charges against Mayo were dropped on March 12, 2007 after one of the other passengers in the vehicle took responsibility for the marijuana.[10]