The 78-minute sex romp sees Vandeweghe explore the seediest, darkest alleys of the NBA player and GM life, virtually seducing the listener with an orgy of flute solos over tribal beats. Critics are already hailing the album as a “landmark fusion of music and sex” and “America’s answer to Bangkok”.

Indeed, Kiki has pushed the envelope here, with sales of the record already being banned in virtually every music store in the U.S. as well as iTunes. Sources say there is even word of the “full” album cover circulating on the black market, featuring the bottom half of the original photo, showing Mr. Vandeweghe in all his glory.

Vandeweghe also calls upon some of his longtime NBA cronies for some scintillating guest appearances, including Isiah Thomas on the 12-minute epic “Let Me Bust Your Salary Cap (Luxury Tax)”, a seedy double entendre that builds steam over a chorus of boos, screams and women panting.

Here’s a look at the scintilating track list:

1. Nothin’ But Nylon (Your Panties Better Be…)

2. Let Me Give You a Vande-wedgie

3. Won’t You Feel My Denver Nuggets?

4. I Won’t Play Any D, Baby

5. Don’t Tskitishvili Me

6. So You Know I Scored the Most Points in the Highest Scoring NBA Game of All-Time, Right?

7. Let Me Bust Your Salary Cap (Luxury Tax)

8. How High’s Your Vertical? My Wang Wants to Know…

9. Don’t Be Afraid of My Finger Roll

10. If You Want, I Can Dunk

11. Unconventional 3-point Play

12. I May Not Draft You, But I’ll Give You a Private Workout

Van Gundy, who has been dogged by rumors of his imminent departure to the modeling world since his clothes were torn clean off his body during a famous fight with Alonzo Mourning’s leg, finally made it official Monday.

“It’s time” said Van Gundy, who was draped in fur and flanked by Tim Gunn, Marcus Schenkenberg and Marv Albert at an impromptu press conference at JFK airport Tuesday night. “I’ve done the NBA thing. It was a nice ride, I made some great friends. But now it’s time for something different. I can’t deny this calling any longer. I can only hope my friend Mike Fratello changes his mind and joins me as well.”

By Wednesday, Van Gundy was seen strutting his stuff down a Milan runway with his trademark arrogance and one of his closest confidantes, a poodle named Peter van Penelope. Reports of him and Giselle kanoodling backstage after the show have not yet been confirmed.

Notes: Many reporters noticed the extravagant fur that Van Gundy was draped in during the lengthy press conference appeared to be slowly moving up and down his suit at times. Many just chalked it up to being an optical illusion until a colorful section of the fur took a fierce swipe at Marv Albert’s toupee… Albert flinched a bit, but didn’t seem all that bothered. He’d already had a colorful ordeal himself shortly before the conference when he realized a squirrel had hitched a free ride to the airport atop his toupee. The squirrel, reportedly from Brooklyn, set off on his own near Terminal 3, close by to where the press junket began.

It was a familiar scenario for many NBA viewers: In discussing a play that viewers had just seen mere seconds ago, Brown discussed every detail of that same play, as if he were describing the scene to a bunch of blind, retarded head trauma victims in a loony bin.

The play in question involved a pretty routine drive to the lane by Pistons guard Chauncey Billups, who then passed it to Tayshaun Prince for a three pointer.

“You see what he does right here, is he goes by his guy and drives to the paint, which he can do. He’s very underrated as a player,” Brown said of Billups, a former NBA Finals MVP. “And then what he does, just watch right here, he passes the basketball out to his teammate, Tayshaun Prince, who you know can hit that three point shot.”

Brown could have easily cut his losses there and stopped talking, but something underneath his albino rat’s nest hair made him believe that he had to “educate” the dumb viewer on other matters. (truncated version)

“Now what’s going to happen that the camera doesn’t show is that Prince hits the three. But if you watch Billups here, he is able to tell that Prince is his teammate because Prince is wearing the same color jersey as him. The rods and cones in Chauncey’s eyeballs are working properly, enabling him to distinguish between different colors. Of course, it also doesn’t hurt that the two have been teammates for many years and Billups’ brain is able to retain the image of Prince, recognizing him as someone he knows and trusts. You can’t leave Prince alone. He is one of the premier three point shooters and lizards in the league. Now what Billups does after the pass is nice. He continues to breathe, he inhales air, most of which is composed of nitrogen but what his lungs do is take in the oxygen part. The oxygen is what they want. He exhales what his body doesn’t need – the nitrogen and the carbon dioxide. There is oxygen released as well — many people don’t know this but the NBA player can only take in so much oxygen. But the stuff he does take in then goes into his bloodstream and the blood takes it to Billups cells, Chauncey has very tough, underrated cells. These cells receive the oxygen and the mitochondria within the cells – the true workhorses of the league – just go to work, enabling Billups to get back on defense and cover Duhon. Now the thing about Chris Duhon…”

Hey, OJ Mayo. I barely know who you are. I’ve never even seen you play. I couldn’t point you out in a freaking 2 on 2 game. But let me just give you this:

A preemptive “Fuck You” before you start pissing me off on a daily basis.

So it’s been said you want to go to USC for future marketing opportunities and that Los Angeles is the best place to start. Awesome. The NBA needs another self-promoting Prima Donna douchebag like strip clubs need a wildly contagious form of genital warts to break out. Announcing this was also a brilliant idea, now the NCAA will be investigating USC as soon as you and your porn-stache set foot on campus. This is great for the college game, well done. What a fuck nut, I hope you become Jayson Williams’ new limo driver. You are the poster boy for an amateur athlete.

This is an actual quote from one of Mayo’s entourage (which all high school basketball players need) when Tim Floyd asked for his cell phone number: “OJ doesn’t give out his cell,” he said. “He’ll call you.” What? This spoiled fucking jackass needs a reality check. If Floyd were a self-respecting coach, he would have told Mayo to get fucked, play somewhere else. They are hiring at McDonald’s. These spoiled high school kids control college coaches, which just speaks volumes about how spineless some of them are. Mayo also said that he wants to go to a program where he can make a mark, maybe he isn’t wanted at other respectable programs because of his fucking thug past.

During Mayo’s first visit to USC he brought along a documentary camera crew, what a savvy move. Another thing all great high school players need, because it worked out well for Sebastion Telfair and his “Through the Fire” documentary. Can someone let me know how Telfair is doing? Last I heard he was tearing it up with the Beasts of the East, the Boston Celtics. Well played.

Which reminds me, Dildo Mayo, how many arrests do you have and how many high schools have you attended? Just about more than you have fingers on your hands. It is always a good sign when a player bounces around high schools, a great sign of stability. He sounds really coachable, just what every college needs. I don’t see any problems with him moving to LA, so much less trouble to get into than in West Virginia. Surely there will be a plethora of refs that he can literally push during games like he
did in high school. I hope Dick Bavetta gives him a scissor kick straight to his nuts during his first NBA game, if he makes it that far.

By the way, nice fucking performance in the McDonald’s All-American game: 4-17 shooting, very impressive. That definitely warrants being a total fucking jackass and pushing people around. How about this, score a point in college before you get all Lebron James on us. Better yet, stop being such a fucking dildo and just play basketball and let that do the talking for you. Also, why don’t you do some research on Kevin Durant, you can’t hold his jock, but you talk like you are a fucking Michael Jordan.

So, in summation, before you get more out of hand, get fucked, and get fucked hard, you insanely pompous fucknut.

Below is real news about this shitbag, enjoy.

In January 2007, Mayo allegedly assaulted referee, Mike Lazo, after being ejected from a Huntington High game vs. Capital High School at theCharleston Civic Center [6] According to West Virginia Secondary School Activities Commission rules, Mayo was suspended for two games. However due to allegations supported by video evidence that Lazo had overreacted and faked the incident, a temporary restraining order was signed byCabell County Circuit Court Judge Dan O’Hanlan, temporarily lifting the suspensions on Mayo and five other players suspended due to incidents at that game. [7] However, shortly after, the restraining order was nullified and Mayo was suspended for three games, a punishment that Mayo described as “fair.” [8]

On March 9, 2007, Mayo and three other men were cited by the Cabell County Sheriff’s Dept. for misdemeanor simple possession of marijuana. Officers found the cannabis in a car in which Mayo was a passenger and, since no one claimed possession, all occupants were ticketed. [9] Charges against Mayo were dropped on March 12, 2007 after one of the other passengers in the vehicle took responsibility for the marijuana.[10]