The Sports Hernia

Messier clearly overwhelmed by the recognition for what he called his "greatest achievement in life."

NHL legend and longtime ass-crushing coochie connoisseur, Mark Messier, was inducted into the Bone Zone Hall of Fame Saturday in an emotional 3-hour ceremony in which “The Captain” broke down on several occasions, profusely thanking all the ladies he porked along the way that made the historic day possible.

The former Oilers, Canucks and Rangers pussy-splitting forward has led an almost mythical journey through the bone zone, banging the likes of Madonna, a young Tyra Banks and supermodel Frederique, all while maintaining his mind-boggling run of 6,037 straight days in the zone as well. Visibly humbled by the overwhelming induction ceremony into the BZHOF, which recognizes the greatest ass antennas on Earth, Messier could barely get the words out.

“You know, growing up a small town boy in Alberta, Canada, never in a million years did I imagine I would be drowning in exotic supermodel ass” said the tractor-beam pants wearing Messier, “But now, years later, standing behind this bronzed penis microphone, I truly feel at peace with myself, with everything. Man, I’ve plowed some Grade A poon,” he said, shaking his head and pausing for a moment. “Man.”

The legendary taco-pulveriser harkened back to his days in Alberta when he first entered the bone zone as a scrappy 10-year old with a group of Molson Ice Party Girls in the back of their tour bus, to his red-light ringing swordsman days in Edmonton, to his years in New York with the Rangers, where he seemingly juggled supermodel pussy like a barrel chested, stick wielding Houdini.

A teary-eyed, reflective Messier.

Messier, who was originally scouted to be a goalie because of his natural lack of a five-hole, ended the event on a high note. “In closing, I just have to say this is an awesome honor. It’s like at some point in my life, God came down and enveloped me in a cloak of primo tail and I’ve never looked back” said Messier, tears streaming down his face “For I am, King shit…of Fuck Mountain”

The crowd burst into a thunderous ovation as the visibly fatigued Mess was helped off-stage by a couple of swimsuit models. Right before disappearing into the darkness though, he turned and winked to the crowd, which immediately erupted into a giant orgy.

Canadian officials have confirmed that they are in fact erecting the “Le Coc Tower” in Montreal to honor Messier’s entry into the Hall.