The Sports Hernia

Hey, OJ Mayo. I barely know who you are. I’ve never even seen you play. I couldn’t point you out in a freaking 2 on 2 game. But let me just give you this:

A preemptive “Fuck You” before you start pissing me off on a daily basis.

So it’s been said you want to go to USC for future marketing opportunities and that Los Angeles is the best place to start. Awesome. The NBA needs another self-promoting Prima Donna douchebag like strip clubs need a wildly contagious form of genital warts to break out. Announcing this was also a brilliant idea, now the NCAA will be investigating USC as soon as you and your porn-stache set foot on campus. This is great for the college game, well done. What a fuck nut, I hope you become Jayson Williams’ new limo driver. You are the poster boy for an amateur athlete.

This is an actual quote from one of Mayo’s entourage (which all high school basketball players need) when Tim Floyd asked for his cell phone number: “OJ doesn’t give out his cell,” he said. “He’ll call you.” What? This spoiled fucking jackass needs a reality check. If Floyd were a self-respecting coach, he would have told Mayo to get fucked, play somewhere else. They are hiring at McDonald’s. These spoiled high school kids control college coaches, which just speaks volumes about how spineless some of them are. Mayo also said that he wants to go to a program where he can make a mark, maybe he isn’t wanted at other respectable programs because of his fucking thug past.

During Mayo’s first visit to USC he brought along a documentary camera crew, what a savvy move. Another thing all great high school players need, because it worked out well for Sebastion Telfair and his “Through the Fire” documentary. Can someone let me know how Telfair is doing? Last I heard he was tearing it up with the Beasts of the East, the Boston Celtics. Well played.

Which reminds me, Dildo Mayo, how many arrests do you have and how many high schools have you attended? Just about more than you have fingers on your hands. It is always a good sign when a player bounces around high schools, a great sign of stability. He sounds really coachable, just what every college needs. I don’t see any problems with him moving to LA, so much less trouble to get into than in West Virginia. Surely there will be a plethora of refs that he can literally push during games like he
did in high school. I hope Dick Bavetta gives him a scissor kick straight to his nuts during his first NBA game, if he makes it that far.

By the way, nice fucking performance in the McDonald’s All-American game: 4-17 shooting, very impressive. That definitely warrants being a total fucking jackass and pushing people around. How about this, score a point in college before you get all Lebron James on us. Better yet, stop being such a fucking dildo and just play basketball and let that do the talking for you. Also, why don’t you do some research on Kevin Durant, you can’t hold his jock, but you talk like you are a fucking Michael Jordan.

So, in summation, before you get more out of hand, get fucked, and get fucked hard, you insanely pompous fucknut.

Below is real news about this shitbag, enjoy.

In January 2007, Mayo allegedly assaulted referee, Mike Lazo, after being ejected from a Huntington High game vs. Capital High School at theCharleston Civic Center [6] According to West Virginia Secondary School Activities Commission rules, Mayo was suspended for two games. However due to allegations supported by video evidence that Lazo had overreacted and faked the incident, a temporary restraining order was signed byCabell County Circuit Court Judge Dan O’Hanlan, temporarily lifting the suspensions on Mayo and five other players suspended due to incidents at that game. [7] However, shortly after, the restraining order was nullified and Mayo was suspended for three games, a punishment that Mayo described as “fair.” [8]

On March 9, 2007, Mayo and three other men were cited by the Cabell County Sheriff’s Dept. for misdemeanor simple possession of marijuana. Officers found the cannabis in a car in which Mayo was a passenger and, since no one claimed possession, all occupants were ticketed. [9] Charges against Mayo were dropped on March 12, 2007 after one of the other passengers in the vehicle took responsibility for the marijuana.[10]

The NBA season is upon us, and I am geared up. Who is with me? Another season of thrilling basketball, of high scoring 80 point games and news on the winning personalities of NBA players, but first I would like to say, how should I put this, FUCK YOU to the following:

Atlanta Hawks: Fuck You and your awful franchise, it pains me to think that the greatest in game dunker of all time is linked to your piss poor franchise. Get your fucking shit together and put a team on the floor that is worth a damn, I mean there are like 30 fans in Atlanta that pay to see you dickbags.

Kobe Bryant: Fuck off and go play for the Real Madrid Teka, or Barcelona FC. Every god damn day with news about whether Kobe is going to play for the Lakers, who gives a shit, the Lakers are going to be shitty with or without Kobe, so get fucked and head to Europe. Look on the bright side Kobe, 16 is the legal age over there.

San Antonio Spurs: Jesus, I want them to Fuck Off already, they are the most boring team to watch. I would rather watch two friends play NBA Live on Xbox with the Bobcats and Hawks before watching a Spurs game. It would be way more exciting than seeing Tim Duncan and his fundamentally sound move into the lane, where he tries to get fouled by throwing his arms in the air. Holy fuck they suck to watch. It is embarrassing that they had to knee Nash in the balls to move onto the NBA finals. Speaking of which…

Cleveland Cavaliers: You can Fuck Off as well, thanks for being solid competition to the most boring championship series since the first title in 1947 when Chicago took on Philadelphia. Outside of game two where Cleveland topped 90 points and San Antonio topped 100, the final scores are almost identical to the 1947 title. Back then, they were playing in loafers and business suits and were not allowed to dunk and there was no three point line. Lord, you guys fucking suck, and now I have to sit through an entire year wondering if these two shitbags are going to make it to the finals again?

David Stern: Fuck You, really, just fuck off, you have traded NBA’s once great product for the all mighty dollar, there are so many reasons to hate you I can’t just pick one. A friend of mine (or a person that I know because I don’t have friends, I told them all to Fuck Off) is currently writing a book on how you fucked up the NBA, he is worried his publisher won’t go for his 8,975 page version and will have to be edited severely.

Kirk Hinrich: Fuck You, I am not completely sure why, he just seems like a dick. Oh yeah and he went to Kansas, so he has to be an unlikable dingleberry, so fuck off.

This list in no way protects other possible targets because I am sure once the season starts and idiots like Stephon Marbury and Stephen Jackson get into the full swing of the season, more Fuck You’s will follow, so for now, the above people can just get fucked, real hard.