The ESPN Countdown crew, led by the shameful boozebag Chris Berman and a collection of jock-sweaters, took their Favre mancrush to a new level during Sunday’s broadcast. Berman, accompanied by an especially retarded-acting Stuart Scott, opened the show in unusual fashion.

Dressed in French maid outfits, the two poster boys of hell, along with Chris Mortensen and Ron Jaworski, began taking turns dancing and fondling a grotesquely stained life-size cardboard cutout of Brett Favre, while highlights of the beloved quarterback ran on the flat screen in the background.

“This is the guy we love to love,” Berman said to an audience that was dropping by the millions with each word he squeezed out of his wing-and-cock vacuum of a mouth. “And we’re not afraid to say it. Ever since I caught Stuie and Jaws in their boxers staring at this cutout, we decided to turn it into one big group love session. That love spread from the pre-show meetings to the actual show. As you can tell from this show, we love this guy, just as we really love this cutout,” he said while sliding the back of his hand down the cutout’s left cheek.

Mortensen, standing to the other side of the cutout like a little schoolboy, eased his ear into “Paper Favre’s” mouth and said: “What’s that Brett? You like to eat hamburgers with ketchup and mustard? Well, that’s exactly the way I like to eat them. We’re so much alike!”

Just then, a visibly sauced Jaworski swooped “Paper Favre” out of their grasps and performed what appeared to be a version of the electric slide with it. Scott, who was stone-cold sober, circled around the pair, doing a painfully white jig while giddily yapping “Boo-yah, Boo-yah, Boo-yah.” After a final dip, Jaws raised the ante and most likely ended or furthered his career with ESPN.

“As much as we don’t want Brett to retire, there’d be nothing more pleasing to this guy than if he posed for Playgirl. This cutout has kept us company on many late nights, but nothing would compare to the real thing.”

At the end of Jaworski’s confession a wild chant of “Playgirl! Playgirl!” broke out, forcing producers, while excited about the potential buzz of the segment, to go to a commercial break.

Despite writing the majority of his commentary naked in his parents basement between furious masturbation sessions to “BangBus.com” trailers, ChiefsRule86 provides an insightful, while altogether unique voice, especially when he routinely dishes out his trademark zinger “Trent Green RULES!”, a real treat for those lucky enough to be on the board at the same time. It’s insightful, witty commentary like that which has no doubt raised a few eyebrows in Bristol.

During a recent heated discussion on the Kansas City message board about the future of Trent Green, ChiefsRule86 dropped this truth bomb: “All I know is, the Chiefs better know what they’re doing if they release or trade Trent Green. They could be in real trouble if they don’t have another QB ready. They should trade Eddie Kennison for Drew Brees or something. Thank god Larry Johnson RULES.”

That mind-blowing declaration sent shockwaves throughout Kansas City and the Chiefs front offices, and left NFL gurus like John Clayton and Chris Mortenson shaking their heads in awe.

But it’s not just the big boys at Bristol who are impressed with Boninghouse. His fellow message board writers have a deep respect for him, constantly showing their approval of his commentary with thumbs up symbols, enthusiastic happy face emoticons and the occasional flash-loop of a storm trooper humping the air over and over again, the highest of honors.

“I swear, Boninghouse must eat sports almanacs sprinkled with milk of magnesia” says Paul Beaverham (aka—”RamsSuck83″) “because he can just throw up these 50,000 word rants ad nauseum. It’s awesome.”

Not to be outdone, message board newcomer and bitter rival “ChiefsDefinitelyRule84″ has displayed sure talent, clearly evidenced in his recent post “Herm Edwards needs to coach better”, a stunning departure from ChiefsRule86′s theory that “Herm Edwards kicks serious ass.”

Only time will tell who will get their hands on ChiefsRule86′s brilliant football mind first, ESPN or the Chiefs themselves.

Despite not having a Super Bowl representative from the AFC or NFC determined, ESPN’s Chris Berman and the network’s countless courageous football analysts trudged through Day 4 of their 2,201-hour Super Bowl pregame special in Miami, Florida.

Each stooge has been super glued to their stadium outpost guaranteeing that they cover almost every single thing that happens in and around the stadium until the yet to be announced kick-off time, set to take place a little less than two months from this coming Sunday. Given the show’s unusual length, the network has stopped at nothing to ensure talent remains fresh throughout the dread-cast.

Chris "I make Patrick Ewing look dry" Berman has been supplied with an endless array of tacky bright suits that, at his request, have been deep-fried instead of dry-cleaned. Also, since he can only be seen from the waist up, his feet have been soaking in a giant bucket of blue cheese to provide extra comfort. Countdown cohort Tom Jackson has been successfully aided by a large spit-bowl said to be 9 times the size of the standard spit-bowl used by former Heavyweight boxer, George Forman. The other notable and most dramatic wardrobe change so far has been for Steve Young, who has galloped onto the set atop a giant white horse to give his hourly quarterback analysis. Michael Irvin, the bouncy, high-spirited, peppy analyst has surprisingly been the least needy of the crew, with his only request being that his on-set barber tidy up the nearly flawless lines on the side of his head every 16 hours.

Producers have gone to great lengths to make sure fans have been getting their full dose of hell. Chris Berman and the underused Stuart Scott have been doing an unusual and seemingly moronic "split-screen shoutout", where both assclowns synchronously do their trademark "back-back-back-back-back!" and "Boo-yahs,” respectively. Speaking of split-screen airtime, John Clayton missed his third straight joust with archrival Sean Salisbury after producers again mistook him for Stewie, the hilarious baby from Fox’s The Family Guy, and refused to allow him on set.

To round out Day 4, Mike Golic was relieved of his duties for the remaining three months of the broadcast shortly after he morphed into Fozzy Bear during the 23^rd hour of a senseless rant — half of which was not even being taped.

Undoubtedly, there will be more to come.